Toad Had a Bad Dream

What an overworked mushroom sees when he sleeps:


Made from sprites from Super Mario Bros. 2, Super Mario All-Stars and Doki Doki Panic. And too much goddamn time.

End Is the Only Part of the Word That I Heard

Standing in line at the bookstore yesterday, I overheard two young guys — beyond high school but just barely — talking about the Cake song “Friend Is a Four-Letter Word.” And that’s remarkable by itself, because I’d imagine that that song would have come out when these guys were about seven years old. Cake, wonderfully nostalgic though I now find it, isn’t necessarily a band that latecomers would latch onto, especially since its popularity peaked in that awkward phase when grunge and alt rock was giving way to rap rock and what we now call indie rock was a ways off. So for the sake of these younger-than-mes having any awareness of Cake, I was happy.

Things went south pretty quickly, as they often do with me in public spaces. Without a hint of irony or facetiousness in his voice, one guy spoke the following two sentences to the other: “The thing I hate about ‘Friend Is a Four-Letter Word’ is that it doesn’t make any sense. Friend has five letters in it and even if he only heard end that only has three letters.” Yeah. So someone younger than me who was actually waiting in line to purchase a book at a bookstore knew of the band Cake, the album Fashion Nugget and the song “Friend Is a Four-Letter Word” but was apparently unfamiliar with the figure of speech four-letter word. My reactions: “At least I’m smarter than this guy,” for one. And I also decided not to intervene and set this kid straight. Not my place. Not required of me. And I’d probably come off like an ass if I did.

That business aside, I at least had an opportunity to recall how much I loved this particular song. Man, what a perfect goddamn song to come out when it did — not only precisely during my most emotionally volatile teenaged years but also when a little friend called Accutane was basically turning me into the kind of character whose predictions-hidden-inside-crazy-ramblings end up coming true in Shakespeare plays. With that thought in mind, please take a moment to enjoy Cake’s “Friend Is a Four-Letter Word.” In fact, when you get home tonight, slam the front door, proclaim to your roommates that you “hate everything,” stomp into your room, flop on the bed and then listen to this song.

That horn towards the end? I can’t think of a better musical representation of teenaged emotional turmoil.

It Was Supposed to Say Aunt

Photographed by Spencer at the Fairfax swap meet:


It is a birthday plate. (Hmm?) It has images of family members on it. (Uh…?) But the real confusion results from that rather ornate letter “A.” Larry David once faced a similar problem on Curb Your Enthusiasm:

Surely, we could have picked a better word for the sisters of our parents.

What Could Be Worse Than Eight-Bit Video Game Music?

I was easy to shop for in my younger days. I existed in such a perpetually video game-addled state that literally anything that had a Nintendo character slapped on it became the new best thing ever — at least next to actual video games. A Legend of Zelda binder? Awesome! A Super Mario board game that no one will ever want to play with me? Sounds great! Metroid pencils? All the better to write a list of additional video game-related merchandise that I want! I didn’t become picky — and therefore much more problematic around Christmas and my birthday — until later in my life, and I though have to shake my head at how dutifully I bought these shoddy products, I have to admit: There is something noble in being easy to shop for.

Not all these game-related knickknacks were necessarily terrible, however, and I recently discovered one in the back of the bookshelf at my parents’ home that brought back a few good memories.

This is it:

Yes, it’s one of those books of simplified sheet music with the keyboard-like instrument built right in. I say keyboard-like instrument because it’s not an actual keyboard, which would be able to make music, but instead something a lot like a keyboard — in the way that a Super Soaker is a lot like an assault rifle. Oh, and the noise this thing makes: horribly tinny, wavering notes. You could compare the sound to those greeting cards that play awful versions of popular songs when you open them, but those at least come preprogrammed with a melody. With the keyboard-like instrument, the responsibility of arranging the notes into a discernible melody falls on you.

Don’t fret, though, because you have a little help in picking out that ditty. As I mentioned, the book has sheet music with each note color-coded and numbered so that if you are not blind you could theoretically find the right notes in the right order. Theoretically. And did I mention that the whole book is Nintendo-themed?

Hit the jump for a strange intersection of old school Nintendo, music and kid culture.

Take this offering: “My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean” by way of Zelda II. Not the first association I’d make, but it’s not too far off really. Sure, the lyrics are dreadfully lame in a way that could even rankle a little kid, and it doesn’t surprise me that whoever wrote them is credited only as T. Ellis and not a full name that could come back to haunt someone with aspirations of an actual music career. But I can give that a pass — and I likely did, back in the day. What strikes me most about this page is the illustration. It and the rest that follow are surprisingly not too awful and not too off-model, despite the fact that presumably no one affiliated with Nintendo had much to do with them. I mean, yes, it’s the result of a hand-drawn amalgamation of two images from the Zelda II instruction booklet — specifically this one and this one — but they’re fused together pretty well, or at least better than eight-bit Nintendo games are with folk music. Maybe that Nintendo Seal of Quality on the cover belongs there after all.

Similar deal with this one: “Jingle Bells” by way of Super Mario Bros. 2. Because why not? I mean, Toad’s little mushroom hat looks wonky, but I like the result a lot more than lyrics such as “Little Toad takes a load, never slows him down” and “Princess has special skills, she is glad to share / If we need to jump real far or hover in mid-air.” But hey — at least someone read the instruction manual to the point that they have a basic understanding about how the game plays.

Again, this Donkey Kong art isn’t half bad. Perhaps most surprisingly, it’s the only Nintendo-sanctioned art I’ve ever seen in which Pauline looks like her original in-game sprite — you know, like a dowdy pioneer woman. And given that association, the paring of Donkey Kong with “Clementine” actually makes sense.

And then there’s this: A Metroid-flavored version of “The Hearse Song,” which I think I’ve only ever been aware of in relation to that one volume of Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. You know, “The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out / The worms play pinochle in your snout”? And if I really must critique this book — and apparently I am making myself — then I have to question the artist’s decision to draw space monster Ridley — the one on the left — in a grinning, fetal form. Very weird, but no more so than appropriating a song that cautions children not to laugh at passing Hearses.

And now we come to “La Bamba,” unchanged from its original Spanish version and matched with the Super Mario Bros. 2 B-stringers in a desert setting, for no real reason. I suspect T. Ellis got lazy on this one, and in doing so brought down the quality of the book. I can remember trying to play this one and failing. I mean, look at the colored note numbers. Look at how many there are. This shit would be hard for any child to play, much less on the provided keyboard-like instrument, which, as I’ve said before, sounded terrible. If nothing else, this one provided a valuable service in that it would prompt nearby parents and older siblings to check the batteries in the smoke detectors, because SURELY that persistent ringing noise can’t be that music-toy-thing. Right? And again, I can’t help but to look at the art and wonder how this particular image came to be. The snake coming out of the jar is actually well-drawn, if curiously gendered, but as you move into the background things go downhill. What happened that that Pokey in the back needed to be created? Artist says, “Damn, I’m running out of the sand-colored marker and I need something else to go back there. Guess I’ll draw another one of those cactus things. But I’ll make it look all dopey and sad — you know, for kicks.”

I’m keeping my criticisms to myself for this one. The art looks pretty damn good. And the idea of substituting Death Mountain for Old Smokey? Genius.

The next page offers more Super Mario Bros. 2, which I suppose should I remind us that in 1989 we thought Mario 2 was the next big thing. Little did the people compiling this book realize that that people would come to think of it as the black sheep of the series and that Nintendo itself would prevent most of its key elements from becoming mainstays of later Mario games. The art isn’t bad. I’m not sure how we’re supposed to read Peach’s expression. I’d imagine she is supposed to look worried about the fact that Birdo was firing eggs at her crotch, but her face says to me something more like “Shit, I think I left the iron on.” Doo dah, doo dah. And those last two lines of the first verse are simply too amazing for words: “Look out for Princess Toadstool now / She’s radical and cool.” She really is.

“Frere Jacques”? No. I do not sing “Frere Jacques” without the compulsory “ding dang dong” at the end of the first verse. That’s classic songwriting you don’t screw with. And the accompanying art is a total abomination too. Remember when I said that the artist was running out of the sand-colored marker? I totally was telling the truth, because he or she clearly did not have enough to finish this piece. Nor was there enough ocean-color either, apparently. While we’re at it, why the hell are they all at the beach? There is no beach stage in the original Super Mario Bros. Did the artist also run out of grass color? Thank god all the blood color was used up before the artist could marker in the grisly aftermath of that Hammer Brother’s assault on the back of Peach’s head.

And as happy as I am to see Donkey Kong Jr. get some love, I have to condemn this one as well. When the hell did “Apples and Bananas” become a traditional? Shame on you, T. Ellis. You got lazy again! Learning how to pronounce your vowel sounds has no place in the Donkey Kong games. And neither does a weird version of Donkey Kong Senior who has fists spouting directly out of his shoulders.

That’s all of them. I suppose some of you game-brained readers might get a kick out of this. And if you do, please ponder this: If the people who made this book had the license to use Nintendo characters, then why didn’t they also get the license for the Nintendo music? Really, if you’re talking about early Nintendo games and music, the Super Mario Bros. and Legend of Zelda themes did as much to draw players in as the graphics. And wouldn’t it have been more rewarding to poke out the melody to these tunes than goddamn “Camptown Races?”

I can’t actually remember if I liked this book or not, though I do remember using it and attempting to learn the songs. Except for “La Bamba,” they weren’t too tough, even with the limited sonic capabilities of the keyboard-like instrument. Regardless of whether this ever actually entertained me, I should say that I at least was not the only one who ever made music with it. When I scanned the book to get these images, the keyboard-like instrument was occasionally pressed against the glass. As the scanning mechanism moved back and forth, capturing the image of whatever page was being scanned, it did so with enough pressure to play the keys. Being a machine designed to take pictures and not to celebrate the wonder that is music, it played without heed to melody or rhythm. As I was sitting there, waiting for the scan to finish, I wondered if I sounded any better when I last attempted to make music with this thing.

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Greystroke City, California

The problem with folk etymologies and any other urban legends explaining how a place name or thing name came to be is that they are usually so very tempting. They fit perfectly — often too perfectly — to the extent that it’s a letdown to discover that the alleged story behind the name isn’t actually the case.

And then, every now and then, there’s the seeming folk etymology that turns out to be accurate.

Take the Tarzana area of Los Angeles’s San Fernando Valley, for example. The name sounds a lot like the name of the protagonist of Edgar Rice Burroughs’s series of novels, but a connection between the literary feral child-turned-jungle king seems so implausible that I’d have to guess that the name came from somewhere else — a family name or maybe a Southern California Indian name that became corrupted into its current state just by virtue of its similarity with the pop culture phenomenon. In this case, however, the obvious association is the right one: Tarzana does, in fact, take its name from the Edgar Rice Burroughs character. In the early 1900s, this land was known as Runnymede. But by 1920, Burroughs purchased the estate of L.A. Times founder and publisher Harrison Gray Otis and built a home there which he named the Tarzana Ranch. The area was eventually subdivided and developed upon, and when in either 1927 or 1928, the area had officially become known as Tarzana.

Another victory for the king of the jungle. Cue “the victory cry of the bull ape.” Somewhere, Carol Burnett is pleased.

Sources: Wikipedia, William Bright’s 1500 California Place Names

An Abso-fuckin-lutely Strange and Wonderful Word

What do Matt Foley, Barney Stinson and Ned Flanders have in common, aside from awesomeness? They each are known for being practitioners of the figure of speech whose name happens to be the word of the week.

tmesis (tə-MEE-səs) — separation of parts of a word, especially a compound word, by the intervention of one or more words.

Examples make it clearer. In order, the instances of tmesis associated with the aforementioned TV characters would be La-dee-freakin’-da, Legen-wait for it-dary and Wel-diddly-elcome or other such diddly-isms. Beyond TV catchphrases, tmesis is employed by English-speakers more often than you might think. There’s a whole nother, for example. And there’s also expletive infixation — the insertion of swear words as a means of intensifying them, such as you might do with abso-fucking-lutely, which means business more than would just an regular old absolutely.

The word tmesis — the only word in all of English to begin with “TM,” according to Wikipedia — comes from the Greek word meaning “a cutting” and was used for poetic effect even in Ancient Greek.

Previous strange and wonderful words:

• adulterine, ageusia, ambeer, anosmia
  
• barrack, bissextile, bloofer, breastsummer
  
• catholicon, cecaelia, couvade, cranberry morpheme, cummingtonite
• deasil, decussate, dingle
  
• eidolon, epeolatry, epopt, espalier, etui
  
• fabiform, fissilingual, Föhnkrankheit, froward
  
• gallinipper, grandgore, grue
  
• hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia, honorificabilitudinitatibus
• itaiitai, ignivomous
  
• jabroni, jamais vu, jehu, jumentous
  
• kaffir, kakopygian, knipperdollin
  
• leman, lemniscate, limnovore, linsey-woolsey, longicorn
• malacia, milt, mongo
• nef, nihilartikel, nobiliary particle, nosism
  
• ooglification, orchidectomy, ordured, orf
• pareidolia, pavonted, petrichor, pismire, pong, puggle, purse
  
• quacksalver, quagga, qualtagh, quidnunc
• ronion, roynish, rubirosa
  
• salmagundi, scrutator, seneschal, shebang, sinople, stevedore, suovetaurilia
  
• tergiversate, thon, tiffin, tittery-whoppet, toby, tyro
  
• ucalegon, ultramontane
  
• veneficial, verdigris, vespertilionine, vinegeroon
  
• williwaw, witzelsucht, wooper looper
  
• xenodocheionology, xyster
  
• yazoo, ypsiliform, yoink
  
• zanjero, zenzizenzizenzic, zinnober, zugzwang
  

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Obscurio: The Most Famously Unfamous Mario Characters

There’s Mario, and then, less famously, there’s also Luigi. From there on out stretches a hierarchy of Mario characters that includes the famously unfamous, the formerly unfamous, the minorly unfamous and finally the Z-listers that you’d only know about if you played and loved and breathed the games — and then did a little bit of additional research. I don’t often do lists on this blog, but if were ever going to do one, it should be on this subject.

(A quick note: In this post, when I refer to a certain title as being a Mario game, that’s my shorthand way of saying it’s either a Mario game or a game in one of the series that have sprung off from the main Mario series. It’s just easier that way.)

First up: Those that recently rose from the depths of obscurity.

Pauline

She once suffered the greatest indignity of all: being not only the first female Mario character but also the co-star of both D.K. and Mario in the original Donkey Kong. But while the ape and the plumber continued on to further starting roles, Pauline fell off the radar. She appeared in the 1994 Game Boy remake of Donkey Kong — her blonde hair replaced with curly brunette locks, apparently to differentiate her from Peach — and in the Game & Watch Gallery remakes of the LCD-age Donkey Kong, Peach actually took Pauline’s place. However, with the release of Mario vs. Donkey Kong 2 in 2006, Pauline came back. Sure, she had bigger boobs and more make-up than ever, but now that she has a fully realized character model floating around, I’d bet that we could see her in the next Mario game featuring a large cast of playables. Come on, Nintendo — why not?

Captain Syrup

If Pauline is the most likely candidate to join the ranks of Mario’s tennis- or golf- or miscellaneous sport-playing buddies, then I’d say Syrup is a close second. Next to Pauline, she’s also the most obscure character to get a reprieve from video game oblivion. Despite being the first female boss in a Mario game and the first boss besides Bowser to be the big bad in more than one game, Syrup only appeared in Wario Land and Wario Land II before the ten-year hiatus leading up to 2008’s Wario Land: Shake It! The game reintroduced Syrup with an improved look and reinforced her role as Wario’s rival but not his archnemesis. (She just wants what he wants, really: money.) I’m glad to see Syrup come back. And if she’s not soon driving a go-kart, I’d be happy to see her squaring off against Wario in a new platforming game.

The Koopalings

The return of the Koopalings in New Super Mario Bros. Wii was perhaps the biggest surprise of all — at the height of their popularity, these little brats were way bigger deals than the two characters I’ve previously described. But I thought the Koopalings were gone for good, what with their apparent retcontastic replacement by Bowser Jr. and their their large number making them difficult to implement in games. (From a few perspectives, it’s more interesting to pit Mario against bosses of all shapes and sizes, rather than seven fairly similarly statured turtle squirts.) But after some false starts — that weird non-speaking appearance in Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga and that nixed appearance from Super Princess Peach — we finally got to see Larry, Morton, Wendy, Iggy, Roy, Lemmy and Ludwig return to the spotlight, in reckless disregard for the logic of birth order. (Bowser Jr. seems like the youngest, but how did he get to be Junior if he’s the eighth born?) Whatever — the important thing is that the eight kids can apparently coexist, and longtimers like me got to relive some fond memories when stomping the initial seven in New Super Mario Bros. Wii.

Stanley the Bugman

Yeah, compared to everyone listed so far, Stanley’s comeback has been puny. But this Mario stand-in from Donkey Kong 3 and the Game & Watch title Greenhouse went from being totally disregarded by Nintendo to at least being acknowledged as existing in two main ways: the Smash Bros. games, where he has cameoed as a trophy and a sticker, and the WarioWare games, where he tends to pop up in 9-Volt’s collections. It’s not much, but it’s something. I’m not saying we need Stanley back, for he is essentially a Mario clone who fires bug spray instead of doing any of the cool stuff Mario can do. But he is nonetheless part of the family, and I’m happy to see that Nintendo remembers that.

Next: Oh, how the might have fallen — one-time big deals still awaiting their revivals.

Donkey Kong Jr.

If the Koopa Kids can reappear alongside Bowser Jr., then it’s technically possible that that D.K. Jr. could hold his own alongside the new Kong family sidekicks, Diddy and Dixie. (And yes, I’m aware of the debating theories about whether the current D.K. is actually a grown-up D.K. Jr. I don’t care. I’m talking about the entity that looks like and acts like the bibbed mini-simian you see above.) Despite being the second-ever protagonist in a Mario game and even being one of the eight selectable racers in Super Mario Kart, D.K. Jr. seems to have vanished from games altogether. Never say never, though — don’t forget that D.K. Jr. once appeared in the same game as the Donkey Kong Country-era D.K. in the Nintendo 64 version of Mario Tennis. However, the fact that Baby D.K. appeared in Mario Super Sluggers makes me think that there’s little chance Nintendo will throw in yet another apprentice ape into the mix.

Wart

For similar reasons, I’m guessing Wart may not make a comeback, even though he has the honor of being the second boss to preside over Super Mario Bros.. Simply put, he just looks too much like Donkey Kong Country big bad K. Rool. And that wouldn’t be a big deal if K. Rool hadn’t finally crossed over into the Mario games with his playable appearance in Mario Super Sluggers. I’m guessing we’ll probably see K. Rool in a playable role again, and I’m guessing ol’ Wart will continue to languish in the video game No Man’s Land, aside from subsequent remakes of Super Mario Bros. 2. Hey — he at least has the Zelda games to cameo in, right?

Tatanga

In terms of Super Mario series big bads who aren’t Bowser, Wart came first and Tatanga came second, as the spaceship-piloting alien who kidnapped Daisy in Super Mario Land. But while Wart’s chances at a comeback seem to be handicapped by K. Rool’s existence, I can’t think of any reason why Tatanga couldn’t show up again. For the record, such a thing would actually mark Tatanga’s third appearance in a Mario game, as he’s also a boss in Super Mario Land 2: Six Golden Coins. Though he’s never referred to by name and though Wario is the game’s big bad, it’s clearly Tatanga that Mario must beat at the end of Space Zone. I, for one, would relish the opportunity to tear around a Mario Kart racetrack in some wheeled version of Pagosu, his nifty little spaceship.

Poochy

Oh, who really cares about a dog that doesn’t even have a nose? (Seriously, he doesn’t have one, despite that he mainly helped out in Yoshi’s Story by sniffing out items.) After appearing in Yoshi’s Island, Poochy seemed like he’d continue to grow with the expanding Mario universe. But he hasn’t done all that much, aside for his appearance in Yoshi’s Story and the Yoshi-themed Tetris Attack. When the game that would become Paper Mario was first announced, Poochy seemed poised to break out of the Yoshi game ghetto with a role in a proper Mario game, but alas — the beta screens showing Mario being followed around by the little dog were nowhere to be seen in the game’s final cut. Too bad, Poochy. If only you had a nose, things might have been different.

Baby Chauncey

So, okay, this character isn’t the most significant one ever, but he was for me the most memorable one introduced in Luigi’s Mansion. I mean, hell — he’s a demonic ghost baby. A dead baby — in a Mario game! Pretty dark stuff. And that fight with Chauncey, the game’s first boss, was pretty freaky. Since the game debuted, E. Gadd and King Boo have proven to be the ones who would become series regulars. With Nintendo’s apparent focus on the Mario babies — eight and counting! — it would be nice if they threw one into the mix who wasn’t so overwhelmingly cute. Please, Nintendo? Can we have a playable Baby Chauncey instead of Baby Waluigi? Baby Rosalina? Baby Petey?

Perry

Say what you will about Super Princess Peach, it did introduce a new character to the Mario mythos: Perry the sentient parasol. As Peach’s guide, ally and weapon throughout the game, Perry is fairly important. But the odd thing about this character is that he’s given a mysterious back story that is never resolved in the one game he appears in.

Through a series of dreams Perry has throughout Super Princess Peach, we learn that this character once had a form other than an umbrella. At some point, Perry and his adopted grandfather were attacked by an unnamed pair of bad guys wanting to use Perry’s special powers. When Perry refused to aid them, the bad guys turned him into an umbrella. Perry, in his new form, escaped but ended up being sold to Toadsworth, who have Perry to Peach to help her in her quest to fight Bowser. Perry wonders if he will ever meet his “grandfather” again, but the game gives no closure. What the hell, Nintendo?! Super Princess Peach has its share of problems, to be sure, and the loose end that is Perry’s tragic story is just one of them. Given the critical drubbing that the game got, I suppose we’ll have to assume that we’ll never figure out what the deal with this magical umbrella was.

Everyone from Super Mario RPG

Geno, Mallow, assorted bad guys — we miss you. Tell Square-Enix we want you back, in some form. Seriously. Super Mario RPG was a thing of beauty — and, really, the first glimpse we’ve ever gotten of a fleshed-out Mushroom Kingdom populated by characters rather than just sprites. In their day, the Super Mario RPG crew was big news. They still are, as far as Mario fanboy circles go. And they might not be still holding onto hope had Geno not made that cameo in the non-Squeenix-produced Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga, a fleeting appearance that did not, sadly, yield repeat ones by Geno or anyone else. Personally speaking, the two I miss the most are Booster and Valentina. I’d be very happy to see those two thrown back into the mix. But I’m not holding my breath.

Thirdly: They once played central roles in one game or another, but they’ve always been obscure — and likely will continue to be.

Foreman Spike

Also known as Blackie, Spike is the big bad in Wrecking Crew and Wrecking Crew ’98, a nasty dude who attempted to work his demolition magic to do in Mario. Despite that resume and the fact that he looks like he could have been a prototype for Wario, Spike remains largely forgotten among Mario fans. It doesn’t help that his most recent appearance was in Mobile Golf, a title released only in Japan. But hey — he was playable, at least. I’d be happy to see him in a playable role in some future Mario title, but give that hardly any series fans know who this guys is — “Why is Wario dressed like a gay leather daddy?” — I’ll assume that these wishes won’t come true.

Wanda

Historically, Wanda is important. Practically, she’s not. But for the record, we should all take a moment to acknowledge the efforts of the little fairy who can make blocks appear or vanish with a mere shake of her wand. She’s the first-ever female character to be the default protagonist in a Mario series game, beating out Dixie Kong in Donkey Kong Country 3 and Peach in Super Princess Peach by years. In the Japan-only release Mario & Wario, Wanda was responsible for preventing Mario, Yoshi or Peach from wandering Lemmings-style into certain death. Wanda showed up once more in Wario’s Woods, helping Toad combat Wario once more. Beyond that? Nada. Cute those she may be, I’m not holding out that we’ll see Wanda in action again.

Winky the Frog

Poor Winky never had a chance. Though he might be familiar to anyone who played through Donkey Kong Country, most gamers might not realize that he only appeared in that one title. Rambi the Rhino, Expresso the Ostrich and Enguarde the Swordfish each appeared in subsequent titles, but Winky faded into nothingness after that first Rare-bred outing, probably because Winky’s one superpower — jumping really high — didn’t make him all that valuable a steed for the Kong clan to mount. In Donkey Kong Country 2, Winky was replaced by Rattly the Rattlesnake as the go-to high-jumper — and at least Rattly appeared in the Game Boy version of that game, Donkey Kong Land.

The Subcon Fairies

Remember those things that spring out of the vase at the end of Super Mario Bros. 2 They’re ostensibly the residents of Subcon, the land of dreams and this game’s setting. They’re also apparently called Subcon, which is confusing. Despite their status at the second Super Mario game’s damsels, players learned next to nothing about them and they never appeared again, aside from various remakes of Super Mario Bros. 2. I wonder if Doki Doki Panic — from which, of course, Super Mario Bros. 2 was made — offers any more detail as to who this winged little creatures are. As it stands now, we barely have any idea what their species name is — and given that the original Super Mario Bros. 2 ending credits offers Birdo’s name as Ostro and Clawgrip’s as Clawglip, I wonder if even their name being Subcon was a mistake or translation error.

Human nobodies in Mario sports games

Ah, to be a boring human in Mario’s world. You must suffer the sad fate of being a playable character but being no sane player’s favorite character in the Mario series as a whole. To illustrate this type of character, I’ve picked eight who will likely be familiar to even avid Mario fans, as they only appeared in the Japan-only title Mobile Golf: from left to right, top to bottom, it’s Ken, Napple, Lisa, Thread, Rozary, Bean, Bird and Powert. You say “Who?!” I say “Exactly.” To be fair, some of these blank-eyed nobodies have squeezed a bit of fame out of their appearances in these Camelot-produced spin-off sports games. Plum, for example, scored a trophy in Smash Bros. Melee, while Azalea had the honor of having her faced stolen by Daisy. And that’s something, at least.

And finally: the far reaches of the Marioverse — the forgotten, the unloved and the unrecognizable.

Katsini

I’m beginning with this weirdo from the Super Nintendo version of Wario’s Woods because he’s especially notable in that he looks just like Tatanga — just better dressed. The purple skin, the fans, the connection to Wario and even the syllable pattern of his name all seem to lead to the idea that Katsini may have some connection to Wario. Does he? Who knows. After Wario’s Woods was released, the introduced characters promptly vanished, so any sort of reunion between Katsini and Tatanga was left up to the minds of Mario fanboys.

Aqualea and Meidou

Also especially notable among the Wario’s Woods freaks are these two mermaid characters — Meidou in the Nintendo version of the game and Aqualea in the Super Nintendo version. Are they one in the same? Is Aqualea simply the localized name assigned to Meidou? We’ll never know. But if they are indeed two separate characters, isn’t it odd that Nintendo would invent two very similar but ultimately different mermaids to fill two almost identical roles in versions of what is essentially the same game?

Ball Bunny

Notable in that he’s made two appearances as a level boss — in Wario Land II and Wario Land III. Also, Wario doesn’t have to beat the tar out of Ball Bunny, just out-score him at basketball. (Technically, the latter game, Mario has to beat him in a game of soccer in which the rabbit-eared one is aided by an unnamed tortoise character. But same idea.) Rather odd. Might he made a good addition to Mario Hoops 3-on-3? Ah, but then he wouldn’t be on this list.

Dangerous Duck

Not too different from Ball Bunny in some respects, Dangerous Duck isn’t even a boss. He’s a generic, boomerang-tossing baddie in Wario Land and Wario Land II. Nonetheless, in the latter, D.D. actually pops up as the central character in Wario Land II in a remake of the old Game & Watch title Flagman. A rare honor, but not one great enough to make him known to the Mario fan community at large.

Blizzaurus

In a game where the gender of the protagonist is emphasized so much, Blizzaurus stands out simply because she’s the only female baddie in the entire game as well as one of the few not from or inspired by a previous Mario baddie. The boss of Super Princess Peach’s sixth world, Gleam Glacier, Blizzaurus initially appears as a hulking dragon. After a few hits, however, the character’s true form emerges: a little pixie. She’s still every bit as devilish and uses ice magic to try and thwart Peach. And like every other boss in Super Princess Peach, she’s a total pushover. But still — thanks, Nintendo, for giving Peach at least one similarly gendered opponent to take on. Bonus points for the NES Metroid-like reveal of “Oh! Hey! This one is a girl, it turns out!”

Imajin, Lina, Mama and Papa

Long before Mario and company ever set foot in Subcon in Super Mario Bros. 2, Imajin’s family ventured through and trounced Wart on their own in Doki Doki Panic. This is now common knowledge, even among casual Mario gamers. However, I say these four shouldn’t just step aside; they should still have a place in the Mario games. This is likely complicated by the fact that the characters may be owned by Fuji Television, as Imajin and company were created as mascots for the 1987 Yume Kōjō festival, which showed off Fuji’s various wares. According to Wikipedia, everything in Doki Doki Panic besides the family members themselves was created by Nintendo, and perhaps that’s why we today have Shy Guys, Bob-Ombs and Pokeys causing trouble everywhere. Still, I feel the characters wouldn’t be out-of-place in a Mario game — brother Imajin and sister Lina in particular. But I also feel that if Nintendo hasn’t opted to use them yet, they probably won’t. Boo. I say mainstream video games need more turbans.

Prince Pine and King Fret

Not all the members of royalty needing rescue are female. In Yoshi’s Safari, Mario first rescues Peach and then Fret and Pine, in that order. Before you assume that their status as he-damsels renders them less masculine than the rest of the male inhabitants of Mario’s world, remind yourself that beyond the events of Yoshi’s Safari both Fret and Pine are respected heads of state… of a place called Jewelry Land. Wait, that’s not any better, is it?

Princess Shokora

One of the lesser-known princesses Mario and crew have ever come across would have to be Shokora, the damsel awaiting rescue at the end of Wario Land Advance. There’s two qualities about Shokora worth noting. First, as I’ve mentioned on this blog before, she manifests in one of four forms in proportion to how much loot Wario scores over the course of the game. As such, it’s not clear what she actually looks like — spoiled baby princess? Wario-looking shebeast? Or maybe she’s the Peach-like princess depicted in the official artwork? But if that’s the case, why does the “best” form — the one the players see if they’ve amassed the greatest amount of wealth — have such severe features, cropped hair and a generally boyish look?

Beyond that mystery, there’s a second shapeshifting matter that actually makes Shokora even cooler than most ballgown-sporting captives: She actually helps Wario over the course of the game, though she does so in the form of a Mr. Game & Watch-resembling shopkeeper who sells Wario “weapons,” many of which actually involve the character herself morphing into the various forms of attack. Additionally, Shokora also appears throughout the game in the form of a black alley cat that follows Wario. So she’s a princess and a captive, sure, but at least she makes better use of her spare time than Peach, what with her letter-writing and item-sending.

Princess Eclair

But there’s always someone waiting to one-up you, even if you’re Shokora. There’s an additional princess who deserves a mention here, however brief, and it’s the mention-but-not-seen damsel from the similarly implied Super Luigi adventure in Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door. Luigi is initially sent to Waffle Kingdom at the bidding of Minister Crepe to gather the pieces of the Marvelous Compass in order to defeat the evil Chestnut King and rescue Princess Eclair. Once he collects all the necessary items, he finds that Crepe is actually the story’s villain and the Chestnut King is Eclair’s true love, transformed. In the end, Luigi stomps Crepe and heads back home. Eclair returns to the arms of her sweetheart and she’s never glimpsed — which is fine, really, since Mario’s world is populated with enough food-named princess as it is.

“Pinky” Kong

There is no Pinky Kong, technically. However, as noted in this Destructoid article, there is an unexplained pink-colored clone of D.K. Jr. who appears as an opponent in Donkey Kong Jr. Math. Practically speaking, this palette swap offered an easy fix to the problem of D.K. Jr. not having enough competition in the game. To the overthinking gamer, however, it creates a mystery: Who the hell is this guy? (Or girl?) If D.K. Jr. eventually led to the creation of the similar Diddy Kong, then I’d like to think that this pink version of the big Donkey Kong’s little buddy is the spiritual predecessor to Dixie Kong, who is also a diminutive simian with a predilection for pink.

Dogu, Oyazi, Onigiri and Onnanoko

Nintendo saw fit to throw in a few extra unlockable playable characters in the Japan-only release Wrecking Crew ‘98 — clockwise from top left, an ancient clay figurine, a middle-aged dude, a living ball of rice and a little girl. Why these four got the honor of tussling with the likes of Mario, Spike and Bowser, I’ll never know, but then again I’ve never played the game. Perhaps their presence is an integral part of the plot?

Hen

Wario tends to get the quirkier characters to pal around with, and Hen is no exception. Hen, as you might expect, is a hen. She’s also Wario’s pet. (Leave it to Wario to give his charge an especially uncreative name.) In Wario Land II, Syrup’s goons make off with Wario’s treasures, including Hen, and one whole stage of the game is spent trying to get Wario to return Hen to her nest. Neat in that it proves Wario can feel actual affection for something that’s not actually worth money. Hen appears only once more, in the “Fire Attack” game in Game & Watch Gallery 4, where she may lay eggs that grant bonus points.

Nurse Peach

As much a separate character from regular Peach as Dr. Mario is from regular Mario. Right? While Dr. Mario has enjoyed a certain measure of fame, even appearing as a playable fighter in Smash Bros. Melee, Nurse Peach seems content to wait on the sidelines — appearing more prominently in the instruction manual than she does the game itself, presumably because she’s busy answering phones or weighing Dr. Mario’s patients. Another notch on the obscurity meter: Nurse Peach technically existed before the official switch away from the name Toadstool, so her name really wasn’t ever Nurse Peach, at least in the U.S. versions of Dr. Mario. Technically, Nurse Peach made a cameo in Smash Bros. Melee in one of the challenges. I believe Peach’s white dress in that game was supposed to be a nurse’s uniform to match Dr. Mario’s white lab coat, though Nurse Toadstool generally wears pink and the white dress looked more like a wedding gown.`

The One Red Snifit in Super Mario Bros. 2

I can’t take credit for this one. The Progressive Boink has a whole page dedicated to the fact that Super Mario Bros. 2 features one — and only one — red Snifit in the entire game. I know, I know — the mind boggles.

Unnamed Purple-Haired Lady

And now we’re coming to the real unknowns. I wouldn’t even bother mentioning this one, but she appears fairly prominently in certain screens in the Super NES version of Wario’s Woods. The series in general is known for featuring minor-players as well a host of oddball newcomers such as the two mermaids mentioned earlier, assorted other weirdos and this purple-haired lady. She occasionally takes the place in the game screen usually occupied by Birdo. Why? I honestly can’t remember. I believe she’s good, even though she’s sporting Wario’s trademark purple-and-yellow color scheme. She seems pretty stoked to be in the game but apparently not enough to introduce herself. Rude, really.

“The Professor”

There’s a second mysterious character Wario occasionally runs into during Wario Land Advance — a weirdly unnamed old man whom Wario must pick up and toss around in order to solve various puzzles. He doesn’t talk, exactly, though he might scream a bit when Wario bashes him about. He’s often peering into a magnifying glass, which I think led some to conclude that he’s supposed to be an archeologist examining the Golden Pyramid, the game’s setting. (He also appears in the game’s opening cinema on a newspaper announcing the discovery of the pyramid, so maybe that assumption is valid.) I’d always just called him The Professor, though many erroneously concluded that he’s Mad Scienstein. (That’s a separate Wario character). And, at one point, I could have sworn I read that his name was Paul, though I can’t remember where.

Recently, I stumbled onto a good theory about who this character is and why he ended up in this particular game. Remember Richard from Link’s Awakening? He’s the guy in the villa overrun by frogs, and many know that his appearances is a reference to the Japan-only Nintendo title Kaeru no Tame ni Kane wa Naru, which can be accurately translated as For the Frog the Bell Tolls or humorously translated as The Bell Tolls for the Frog. Just as Zelda’s Richard is originally from this obscure game, so too might this old man be. This message board thread notes his resemblance to a Frog character named Dr. Arewo Shitain. (Ha.) He looks like this:


So a definite match? Maybe not. But the resemblance is striking, and the character designer for Frog also worked on Wario Land Advance. So that, it seems, is the best possible answer to the mystery of this obscure Mario character: He’s most likely not a Mario character after all.

The King of Subcon

And you thought the Princess Peach’s father was the only phantom monarch hovering around a major Mario game setting. No, there is also apparently a King of Subcon — at least according to BS Super Mario USA Power Challenge, a 1996 remake of Super Mario Bros. 2 released in Japan only. A quasi-sequel to Super Mario Bros. 2 that uses the same old levels but takes place after the events of the first time Mario beat Wart, this game boasted quite a few unusual features, including a radio drama that would unfold as the game was played, timed challenges and the added gameplay aspect of collecting golden statues of Mario that the King of Subcon erected to honor the previous victory over Wart. The king appears in the above grid of character portraits, looking quite kingly but also very unfamiliar to this Super Mario Bros. 2 diehard. And that’s the list. I’m sure I’ve neglected plenty of worthwhile characters, but these are the ones I thought to include. Please don’t hesitate to point out who all else you think deserved a mention.

Other noteworthy Super Mario-related posts:

• The strange origin of Mario characters’ names
• Don’t we already have a Super Mario Bros. 4? 
• Super Mario, King of Japan
• The surprising intersection of Super Mario Land 2 and indie pop
• Questions reasonable people should have upon playing Super Mario Bros. for the first time
• The best song from Super Mario RPG and its TV soundalike
• Mario’s lack of balls
• Nature re-creates Super Mario Bros. 3... completely by accident
• Toad had a bad dream
• Who Put the “P” in the P-Wing?
• How the worlds in Super Mario Land got their names