Monday, February 28, 2005

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Directions for Using an Emery Board

I am looking at a package of emery boards and the how-to-use instructions are ridiculously lengthy. I quote:
Nails should always be filed when dry to insure [sic] smooth edges. Place the emery board under the nail edge at a slant and file in one direction only. Back-and-forth filing will result in cracking and splitting. For best results, nails should be filed into an oval shape following the fingertip contour. Filing into a point weakens nail. The emery board has two distinct surfaces: a coarser side for shaping and a finer-textured surface for smoothing.
This is why I don't use such things. Too complicated. The last part is what really gets me:
Keep out of reach of children.
I know this is good advice for most things, but how much damage could a little kid do with Dr. Roger-brand emery boards?

Saturday, February 19, 2005


The Mystery of Life, Vol. 841, Chapter 26: "All life begins with Nu and ends with Nu... This is the truth! This is my belief! ... at least for now." Sometimes I just never know what happens next. I can't wait to turn the next page. Honestly, I have no idea.

Friday, February 18, 2005

I'm a Cuckoo

I use Axe body deodorant unabashedly. I don't care if it's the poor man's cologne — or, more correctly, frat guy stink. I like it and will continue using it until I begin to feel too old to do so. While lost in the hygiene aisle today, however, I noticed a trend among the names of Axe's various scents.
  • Orion.
  • Voodoo.
  • Kilo.
  • Tsunami.
  • Essence.
  • Phoenix.
All vaguely natural-sounding, vaguely spiritual, vaguely elemental, vaguely manly. Makes sense, really, considering that they're marketing to guys who want to smell good without paying much or seeming feminine. (Although I think I'd buy at least one novelty can of the scent called Fagtastic.) But I have a quibble with Tsunami. Recent events on the other side of the world lead be to believe that it's not an appropriate name for a scent, especially because I'd imagine the actual scent of a tsunami would be somewhere between sea water and decomposing Indonesian people. And who really wants to smell like that? Thus, please allow me to propose ten possible re-names for the Tsunami scent.
  • Squall. Still wet and powerful and exotic seeming, but not as widely associated with dead.
  • Lynx. Powerful and quick — and coincidentally the name Axe goes by in England.
  • Genesis. Not particularly masculine, but a word a lot of guys would have a positive association with nonetheless.
  • Super Nintendo. Like Lynx and Genesis, it's a defunct video game system. Why not?
  • Hot Asphalt. About as manly as you could get.
  • Peeing on Hot Asphalt. Okay, this is about as manly as you can get.
  • Cobalt. Or Quartz. Or Slate. Most rocks have a sturdy, manly sound to them.
  • Megaton. For that "kaboom" effect. Now that I mention it, Kaboom wouldn't be too bad either.
  • Pickle. Because I like it.
  • Boner. Ultimately, this is what every cologne wants to suggest.
They might as well be up front about it. I'm honestly surprised there isn't a cologne named Boner already. And it wouldn't have to smell like a boner, either. It could smell like anything. The name is just a concept, you see.Thoughts?

Monday, February 7, 2005

Musica Geodesica

A CD that I just burned.
  1. Goldfrapp - "Train"
  2. Chromeo - "Rage!"
  3. E.G. Daily - "Mind Over Matter"
  4.'s - "I Walk Like Jayne Mansfield"
  5. Electric Light Orchestra - "Mr. Blue Sky"
  6. Luscious Jackson - "Ladyfingers"
  7. Mohammed Rafi - "Jaan Pehechan Ho"
  8. Julee Cruie - "Artificial World"
  9. Broadcast - "The Book Lovers"
  10. Captain Beefheart - "Her Eyes Are Blue a Million Miles"
  11. Icicle Works - "Birds Fly"
  12. Funki Porcini - "Sixteen Megatons"
  13. Pristeens - "Beat You Up"
  14. Grand Funk Railroad - "The Locomotion"
  15. Brothers Johnson - "Strawberry Letter 22"
  16. Electric Six - "Improper Dancing"
  17. Castaways - "Liar Liar"
  18. Clinic - "Welcome"
  19. Aneka - "Japanese Boy"
  20. Myrtle Hilo - "Lover's Prayer"
And I've mentioned Myrtle Hilo, Hawaii's singing cab driver, before in this journal. I haven't listened to her song since summer until today and I still think it's weirdly moving. The lyrics are simple but I think it might be the my favorite long song. So here again are those lyrics.
I do believe the lord above
Created you for me to love
He picked me out from all the rest
Because he knew I'd love you best
I once had a heart that was true
But now it's gone from me to you
Take care of it as I have done
For you have two and I have none
[something indecipherable about heaven]
I'll put your name on a golden spell
If you're not there by judgment day
I'll kow you went the other way
I'll give the angels back their wings
Their golden harps and all those things
And just to prove my love is true
I'll go hell to be with you
I dunno. Something about being willing to go to hell — that's to hell, not through hell — just for love is beautiful. Or horrible. I can't tell and I like that. And I like how casually she throws it into the song. It's nothing. Hell's nothing.