Friday, February 18, 2005

I'm a Cuckoo

I use Axe body deodorant unabashedly. I don't care if it's the poor man's cologne — or, more correctly, frat guy stink. I like it and will continue using it until I begin to feel too old to do so. While lost in the hygiene aisle today, however, I noticed a trend among the names of Axe's various scents.
  • Orion.
  • Voodoo.
  • Kilo.
  • Tsunami.
  • Essence.
  • Phoenix.
All vaguely natural-sounding, vaguely spiritual, vaguely elemental, vaguely manly. Makes sense, really, considering that they're marketing to guys who want to smell good without paying much or seeming feminine. (Although I think I'd buy at least one novelty can of the scent called Fagtastic.) But I have a quibble with Tsunami. Recent events on the other side of the world lead be to believe that it's not an appropriate name for a scent, especially because I'd imagine the actual scent of a tsunami would be somewhere between sea water and decomposing Indonesian people. And who really wants to smell like that? Thus, please allow me to propose ten possible re-names for the Tsunami scent.
  • Squall. Still wet and powerful and exotic seeming, but not as widely associated with dead.
  • Lynx. Powerful and quick — and coincidentally the name Axe goes by in England.
  • Genesis. Not particularly masculine, but a word a lot of guys would have a positive association with nonetheless.
  • Super Nintendo. Like Lynx and Genesis, it's a defunct video game system. Why not?
  • Hot Asphalt. About as manly as you could get.
  • Peeing on Hot Asphalt. Okay, this is about as manly as you can get.
  • Cobalt. Or Quartz. Or Slate. Most rocks have a sturdy, manly sound to them.
  • Megaton. For that "kaboom" effect. Now that I mention it, Kaboom wouldn't be too bad either.
  • Pickle. Because I like it.
  • Boner. Ultimately, this is what every cologne wants to suggest.
They might as well be up front about it. I'm honestly surprised there isn't a cologne named Boner already. And it wouldn't have to smell like a boner, either. It could smell like anything. The name is just a concept, you see.Thoughts?


  1. Alan Cumming announced on The Daily Show that he is producing a fragrance entitled "Cumming." I think that's about as fagtastic and you're gonna get.

    --morgan (who is not as obsessed with alan cumming as you might think)

  2. don't be embarrassed about it. i like cummnig more than anybody. in fact, i think about cumming almost constantly.

  3. cobalt sounds deliciously manly. well done.