Water

The Mystery of Life, Vol. 841, Chapter 26: "All life begins with Nu and ends with Nu... This is the truth! This is my belief! ... at least for now." Sometimes I just never know what happens next. I can't wait to turn the next page. Honestly, I have no idea.

I'm a Cuckoo

I use Axe body deodorant unabashedly. I don't care if it's the poor man's cologne — or, more correctly, frat guy stink. I like it and will continue using it until I begin to feel too old to do so. While lost in the hygiene aisle today, however, I noticed a trend among the names of Axe's various scents.

• Orion.
• Voodoo.
• Kilo.
• Tsunami.
• Essence.
• Phoenix.

All vaguely natural-sounding, vaguely spiritual, vaguely elemental, vaguely manly. Makes sense, really, considering that they're marketing to guys who want to smell good without paying much or seeming feminine. (Although I think I'd buy at least one novelty can of the scent called Fagtastic.) But I have a quibble with Tsunami. Recent events on the other side of the world lead be to believe that it's not an appropriate name for a scent, especially because I'd imagine the actual scent of a tsunami would be somewhere between sea water and decomposing Indonesian people. And who really wants to smell like that? Thus, please allow me to propose ten possible re-names for the Tsunami scent.

• Squall. Still wet and powerful and exotic seeming, but not as widely associated with dead.
• Lynx. Powerful and quick — and coincidentally the name Axe goes by in England.
• Genesis. Not particularly masculine, but a word a lot of guys would have a positive association with nonetheless.
• Super Nintendo. Like Lynx and Genesis, it's a defunct video game system. Why not?
• Hot Asphalt. About as manly as you could get.
• Peeing on Hot Asphalt. Okay, this is about as manly as you can get.
• Cobalt. Or Quartz. Or Slate. Most rocks have a sturdy, manly sound to them.
• Megaton. For that "kaboom" effect. Now that I mention it, Kaboom wouldn't be too bad either.
• Pickle. Because I like it.
• Boner. Ultimately, this is what every cologne wants to suggest.

They might as well be up front about it. I'm honestly surprised there isn't a cologne named Boner already. And it wouldn't have to smell like a boner, either. It could smell like anything. The name is just a concept, you see.Thoughts?

Musica Geodesica

A CD that I just burned.

1. Goldfrapp - "Train"
2. Chromeo - "Rage!"
3. E.G. Daily - "Mind Over Matter"
4. 5.6.7.8's - "I Walk Like Jayne Mansfield"
5. Electric Light Orchestra - "Mr. Blue Sky"
6. Luscious Jackson - "Ladyfingers"
7. Mohammed Rafi - "Jaan Pehechan Ho"
8. Julee Cruie - "Artificial World"
9. Broadcast - "The Book Lovers"
10. Captain Beefheart - "Her Eyes Are Blue a Million Miles"
11. Icicle Works - "Birds Fly"
12. Funki Porcini - "Sixteen Megatons"
13. Pristeens - "Beat You Up"
14. Grand Funk Railroad - "The Locomotion"
15. Brothers Johnson - "Strawberry Letter 22"
16. Electric Six - "Improper Dancing"
17. Castaways - "Liar Liar"
18. Clinic - "Welcome"
19. Aneka - "Japanese Boy"
20. Myrtle Hilo - "Lover's Prayer"

And I've mentioned Myrtle Hilo, Hawaii's singing cab driver, before in this journal. I haven't listened to her song since summer until today and I still think it's weirdly moving. The lyrics are simple but I think it might be the my favorite long song. So here again are those lyrics.

I do believe the lord above
Created you for me to love
He picked me out from all the rest
Because he knew I'd love you best
I once had a heart that was true
But now it's gone from me to you
Take care of it as I have done
For you have two and I have none
[something indecipherable about heaven]
I'll put your name on a golden spell
If you're not there by judgment day
I'll kow you went the other way
I'll give the angels back their wings
Their golden harps and all those things
And just to prove my love is true
I'll go hell to be with you

I dunno. Something about being willing to go to hell — that's to hell, not through hell — just for love is beautiful. Or horrible. I can't tell and I like that. And I like how casually she throws it into the song. It's nothing. Hell's nothing.

The Socio-Cultural Relevance of Stephanie Tanner in Today's Media

I had a revelation.

Does anybody remember that episode of "Full House" where Stephanie dances? She's taking a dance class and has to perform this number to "Motown Philly" and she's way psyched about it.

Do you remember it?

But then the whole Tanner clan starts building up the event and Danny starts recalling his days as a pole vaulter in high school and Stephanie begins to freak out. And then there's this whole dream sequence where everybody in the family is dancing and singing about how great Stephanie is and how great it is that she's performing and Danny sings the lyrics "I'm placing all my childhood ambitions on you"?

Do you remember it?

Well, when it comes time to actually dance, Stephanie freaks out and instead of the choreographed number, which she new cold, she just starts doing this jig. And then she runs away and they stop the music.

Do you remember it?

Okay.

Well, think about that and the remarkable similarity to the Ashlee Simpson debacle on "SNL" earlier this year.

It's totally the same thing. Girl freaks out and at a loss for anything better to do, she jigs.

A jig!

I can think of no other instance in pop culture where a female performer has jigged to cover up her inability to perform correctly on stage.

Here's to You, Canada Sue

Boss lady Heather calls me yesterday to tell me that the Flores article with my name on it was the third most read article on National Geographic's news site all year. Yay and all, but the real credit must go to an intrepid little intern whom I call Canada Sue. Of course, I'm still in the byline, so hey.

[ link: Hobbits in the Philippines ]

I'm alive and living in Santa Barbara, by the way. More when all the plugs are plugged and the boxes are un-boxed.

The After-Dinner Candy Most Preferred by Indie Rock Stars

I think it was this Rolling Stone article that explained where the White Stripes got their name. When trying to conceive that unique Jack White-Meg White sound, the two decided that one common, everyday object best represented their goal: those round, red and white after-dinner mints you get at restaurants. Simple. Classic. Beloved. But not knowing the name, they simply called them — and, thus, themselves — the White Stripes. Appropriate, really. The candies jelled with the barebones rock aesthetic and the two ran with it.

A funny story: I'm at the grocery store looking at the bags of Bracch's candy. You know, the nasty, chalky stuff parents hand out at birthday parties after the kids are sufficiently rattled with the good sugar. But those same red and white candies, according to the Bracch's company, are called the Starlight Mints, a name shared by a lesser known but also wonderful indie rock band.

Two bands, one candy and essentially the same name.

Clawglip

Thoughts while sitting on the toilet and playing Super Mario Advance: My love of typos and mistranslations arose all the way back in childhood, during the closing credits of Super Mario Bros. 2, of which Super Mario Advance is a remake. Instead of seeing who actually made the game, you see the characters in it, including the bosses. If you avoided warping and actually played the whole game through, you'd encounter a surly crab monster, Clawgrip, as the boss of the fifth world. He's identified as such in the game's instruction manual, but the credits fall victim to that infamous Japanese-to-English problem with "R" and "L" and we instead see the text "Clawglip."

Anyway, that's not the revelation here. No, I realized that this stupid, easy-to-beat crab monster holds the unique honor of being the first and possibly only Super Mario Bros. character created specifically for American audiences. In its original form, Doki Doki Panic, the game had a different boss for this world: an albino version of the same bomb-tossing mouse that serves as boss for the first and third worlds. That was apparently considered too dull, and so Mr. Clawglip made his grand debut when Doki Doki Panic became the American Super Mario Bros. 2.

Well, it seemed noteworthy to me.

Christmas break, in case you didn't realize, means playing portable video games while using the bathroom.