Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Fun Facts About the Fantail Dutch Pheasant!

What with chicken egg-collecting, goat-herding, dog-stacking and koi-training, we humans spend our days associating with only a small population of this world’s many animal species. I’m hoping a new series here at Back of the Cereal Box will acquaint readers with some of our rarer cohabitants on the crazy planet we call Earth. Today, I’d like to introduce the Dutch Fantail Pheasant with a list of easy- and fun-to-read fun facts that are fun.

The Dutch Fantail Pheasant is…
  • portly, due to its strict diet of high-carb tubers and discarded movie theater popcorn.
  • flightless, as what would appear to be wings are actually just useless fat flaps.
  • vain, as it spends much of its day gazing as its reflection in puddles or other reflective surfaces, oblivious to all else around it.
  • sleepy, as much of its daily allotment of energy goes to digesting the vast amount of carbs that it eats.
  • noisy, as it constantly whistles a jolly tune even when it is sleeping, all in an effort to draw prospective mates to its location.
  • docile, as it will gladly approach any other organism once it has broken free from the hypnotic trance that results from staring at its own reflection.
  • unintelligent, as many scientists believe it cannot actually differentiate from other animals and its reflection, leading some to believe that it approaches other species only because it mistakenly believes it has spotted another reflection of itself.
  • near-sighted, as it has to get especially close to see anything — for example, reflections, other animals, campfires, hunters’ traps, the yawning mouths of lazy predators.
  • ham-tasting, for reasons science has not yet identified.
  • ham-smelling, again unknown but probably for the same reasons that it tastes like ham, right?
  • picky, as it builds nests of only the choicest savory herbs.
  • gravy-sweating, as it sweats profusely when startled and its sweat also tastes and smells like ham but also maple glaze.
  • frequently naked, because its sole means of self-defense is instantly shooting off each of its feathers in an effort to confuse attacks while it escapes in a cloud of colored plumage.
  • very slow, as it just doesn’t like running.
  • always on the ground, because it also doesn’t like climbing trees or hiding in holes.
  • sometimes found in roasting pans, as it is instinctually predisposed to find them in people’s homes and wait there for predators to leave — sometimes even hiding beneath an assortment of savory vegetables that it chops itself.
  • very clean, as it is always careful to bathe itself in white wine and vegetable broth.
  • beloved my humans, as its death rattle produces a tasty buttercream custard complete with serving-size pastry shell.
  • highly endangered.
So now you know. Remember, we all need to do what we can to recognize the few remaining members of this special, delicious species to ensure its survival for generations to come.

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