Zirconia Ztolen!

Here, finally, are the results to the abstract music suggestion game that I encouraged everyone to play two weeks ago. I actually expected to have this up far earlier, but I was downright stumped by some of your suggestions. Today, I finally paired the last one with an actual song. Prepare yourself for the oddest, most mismatched album ever.

In no particular order:

Alice suggested “nostalgic sighs.” To this, I respond with Andrew Bird’s “Oh No.” Though lyrics about chest-embedded calcium mines may not draw up feelings of nostalgia, I feel the instrumentation on this song does, especially for a simpler era in which string sections and whistling were more common in pop music. “Oh No” tends to make me feel happy and sad at the same time, and I consider nostalgia to be the recollection of a memory that makes you feel these ways simultaneously.

I offer Electric Light Orchestra’s “Twilight” as a match for Tom’s suggestion of “A song to play in the future, as you stand on the corner of a large space cube, having defeated all the Nucleon Tessalators with only the power of your Thor-suit.” I’m probably influenced a bit influenced by the fact that I associate “Twilight” with its use in the promo cartoon for Daicon 4, a neat little audio-visual treat that I’ve blogged about before. In fact, that version of the song might be an even better match, since it has the galactatastic spoken intro. Of course, any version of “Twilight” is wonderfully spacey and triumphant.

Godaigamer suggested this: “I want a song that brings back the relief that my 8-year self felt while playing Chemical Plant Zone in Sonic the Hedgehog 2 when he found an oxygen-bestowing bubble with less than a second to spare. In other words, something with a ‘times were tough, but everything's going to be groovy’ feel.” Difficult, right? This one actually gave me quite a bit of trouble, and I felt I would be remiss if I ignored the music associations I have with Sonic the Hedgehog. After skipping over The Hollies’ “Air That I Breathe” — because a bad match and yet still OBVIOUS — I instead chose to match the idea of calm-extreme panic-calm again. The best I could come up with is Andy Votel’s “Return of the Spooky Driver.” Odd, I guess, but at least blippy enough to not be completely inappropriate for a Sonic-based suggestion.

The anonymous suggestion of “the plight of captivity,” was easy: The Mountain Goats’ “Thank You Mario But Our Princess Is in Another Castle,” a surprisingly good song and one of the few works to not only narrate a story from the point of view of Toad but also to aptly use him as a metaphor.

Dina saddled me with “Theme song for a sitcom about a small dog and its best friend, a can of baked beans,” along with the following visual aid:


I respond with the Sam Lanin version of “Yes! We Have No Bananas.” I know, I know — it’s about bananas and not baked beans, but the instrumental opening could certainly work for this awful sitcom. Of course, the show will be black and white. How could it not be?

From Rey Flowers: “A man rocking a fro, clad in only a headband and cargo shorts, sayin’ to his buddy, ‘The colors man... Do you see the colors?... Cuz I sure do.’” I went with my first association, Olivia Tremor Control’s “A Sunshine Fix” — a good, trippy song in the spirit of 60s psychedelic pop.

I think I may have interpreted Darren’s suggestion — “Finding a moment of purity and beauty amidst seedy decadence, but only a moment. Then it is gone” — a little loosely. I could be way off, but when I read the words “beauty amidst seedy decadence,” my thoughts went towards noir. From there, it was only a short movement to the main title theme of Blue Velvet, which plays over the film’s opening credits and which seems to deliberately recall the melodrama of old detective movies. Too often, characters in these films experience something deep and profound, despite their surroundings, but this connection only lasts briefly. That’s my thought process for this one, anyway.

I’m not sure what Ben’s suggestion of “dinosaur tummy time” was supposed to mean, but he gets this:

It’s from a video game. I’m not ashamed to admit that. And it happens to be the first and only thing I could associate with the suggestion. DINOSAURS ARE EATING YOU!

From BigStompyRobots: “A song to play ironically over the top of an action sequence where someone plows a muscle car into a horde of hipster zombies.” To that, I offer something knowingly retro-sounding, inappropriately upbeat for carnage and finally something those very hipster zombies would likely delight in hearing. It’s “Moto Shagg” by April March, who’s perhaps best known as the woman who sings the closing credits song in Death Proof, which perhaps influenced my choice.

Don’t ask why, Bri’s suggestion of “Those aren’t pandas” in relation to Pedobear made me think of in-your-face, inappropriate sexuality and I wound up with “Purple Wail,” better known to the world as that horn-heavy stock song that plays whenever something comically sexual happens ever.

B’s suggestion — “Sukiyaki. The dish. If the song doesn't have anything to do with the dish, what song should?” in reference to my post on the actual song “Sukiyaki” — confounded me until I stumbled onto an old Elvis Presley song that I hadn’t heard since I was a kid: “Ito Eats,” which he recorded for Blue Hawaii. It skews more toward tiki culture than anything authentically Japanese, but I think the song works, at least according to that mid-twentieth-century worldview that collapses everything between the Caucasus Mountains and the California shore into the category “over there.” While listening, please note how the instrumentation, the beat and Elvis’s voice makes the song sound oddly similar to a song from Vampire Weekend’s first album — from before they became boring.

Because why not? After B posted a comment directly after Bri, I realized that they were not, in fact, the same person. They were different people, posting from opposite sides of the country. Don’t know why I assumed they were the same person, but I commented about it. In honor of this realization, I give a schmaltzy, mediocre song that happens to have a very appropriate title: “I’m Not Lisa (My Name Is Julie),” by Jessi Colter.

Lameness of the song notwithstanding, that’s a pretty awesome title for anything — and a very neat way to shorthand someone as being easy to forget.

Finally, there’s Julia’s suggestion of “I was walking in mud and lost my boot. Now my sock is all dirty.” For this, I give The Woods’ “Rain On.” From the opening strums sounding like heavy footsteps to the general sense of melancholy the song gives me, I think “Rain On” actually matches the suggestion pretty well. Either that or the combination of the song title and the band name made me think of mud. Take your pick!

To close out this playlist, I want to offer one bonus song, which I came across recently and which I realized would be the best song ever to load onto someone’s phone and a prank default ringtone: “Monster (in My Pants),” a solo effort by the B-52s’ Fred Schneider. (“For business meetings, weekly worship services and first dates, let “Monster” be your choice to mortify friends and enemies alike!”) The song is worth a listen for the opening lines alone, though if you could somehow make the phone play the entire track — like, lock all buttons until the song ends — that would be especially good. Can anyone get on this?

You get the whole video element for this one, just because it’s kind of amazing.

And to all you commenters, thanks for playing.

Analyze EKG / Can You See a Memory?

Happy Monday to you all. Because there’s a high probability that you Monday may not, actually, be all that happy, I’m offering a reason to keep living for at least a few weeks longer.

Some of you might remember a game I’ve played before on this blog: abstract song suggestion. It’s pretty fun. It goes like this:

You all tell me what kind of music you want.

In a few days, I’ll post a song for each of you.

However, you can’t request music by band name or genre. You have to describe, in terms of color, mood, texture, taste, or any other creative way you can think of, what you’re looking for in a song, and I’ll do the best I can with what I have. Yes, that means that I may end up posting a song that you wouldn’t normally listen to. That’s part of the fun. Finally, I can’t use more than one song by any given band.

If this still doesn’t make sense, check out the first go-around and the subsequent results post. More people offered suggestions in the second go-around and I think the results were even better. If you want to see how I matched up past suggestions, click some examples below.

Click some of the past suggestions Some examples of suggestions and what songs I matched them with:

“A sweet sixteen birthday party gone bad.”

“If Twin Peaks were set today, what song would Audrey find to dance to in a contemporary jukebox?”

“Having a picnic on a sunny day in a warm, grassy field without bugs, on top of a superfuzzy mustard yellow blanket, on which you make out with someone very attractive (yet intellectual) all afternoon and you never, ever, ever get sunburnt.”

“you like CHOCOLATE BABY? then google CHOCOLATE BABY for best prices for CHOCOLATE BABY...”

Yes, I did my best to match a song to a spam comment. This all makes sense now, right? Go nuts with it, people.

Purple Monkey Dishwasher

Critical, ironic meme participation is the best kind of meme participation — but also proof that I use humor to mask my lack of any real personality.

(fig. 1a)

Hi, my name is called when others want my attention.

Never in my life have I been able to invent a previously unknown color.

The one person who can drive me nuts is aided by a dossier listing my various insanity triggers, I’d imagine.

High school was the setting of the popular NBC sitcom Saved by the Bell.

When I’m nervous my body is experiencing a psychological and physiological state whose cognitive, somatic, emotional and behavioral components work together to create a sense of apprehension and fear.

The last song I listened to was played at a low volume if it contained swears.

If I were to get married right now my best man/maid of honor probably someone who I felt would be physically able to participate in the wedding ceremony.

My hair is a vestige of my primitive ancestry.

When I was five not a legal voter.

Last Christmas marked the death of American singer-songwriter Vic Chestnutt.

I should be able to touch my elbows together. And I am.

When I look down I see snakes, if they’re down there, but I’m also opening my front to attacks.

The happiest recent event was complemented by endorphins.

If I were a character on Friends I’d be unlikely to be given as much screen time as the main castmembers.

By this time next year a baby that hasn’t even been conceived yet could be born!

My current gripe is a manifestation of deeper emotional issues, most likely.

I have a hard time understanding Hindi.

There’s this girl I know who began menstruating at puberty.

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be confused as to why I had been assigned a ward until I clarified the miscommunication.

Take my advice when I express it to you through song.

The thing I want to buy is a warehouse full of food, since I’m apparently only being allowed a single purchase.

If you visited the place I was born you’d likely need to obtain a visitor’s pass from hospital staff first.

I plan to visit with neighbors and coworkers in order to earn their friendship and trust.

If you spent the night at my house I would prefer that I knew who you were.

I’d stop my wedding if I spontaneously combusted.

The world could do without the dodo bird, clearly.

I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than lick the bellies of two cockroaches.

The most recent thing I’ve bought myself was done so with a form of currency.

The most recent thing someone else bought me could have actually been stolen, for all I know.

My favorite blonde is freshly shampooed.

My favorite brunette is cut into a kicky summer ’do.

My favorite redhead is a specific red-colored, pigtailed Lego woman’s snap-on head adornment.

My middle name is nice.

In the morning I note the current time with “a.m.” (ante meridiem) instead of “p.m.” (post meridiem).

The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are either insects or powered by jetpacks.

Once, at a bar I was required to show my driver’s license upon entry.

Last night I was suntanning poorly.

There’s this guy I know who eats food and drives a car.

If I was an animal I’d be bad at drawing.

A better name for me would be given to me retroactively by my parents.

Tomorrow I am unlikely to be deported.

Tonight I am unlikely to worry about being deported.

My birthday is annual.

(Meme via someone else via someone else in accordance with how memes work.)

Dark Socks Beneath My Goody Two Shoes

Because I remember it most fondly among all the memery I've pulled on this blog, I'm bringing it back: the unusual music suggestions game. You remember this, of course. It initially went up on this blog about a year and a half ago, and Bri, Meg H., Dina and Pedro played by asking me to find a song that matched an unusual description.

For the record, here are the rules again.

1. You guys tell me what kind of music you want.

2. In a few days, I'll post one mp3 for each of you.

You can't request music by band name or genre. You have to describe, in terms of color, mood, texture, taste, or any other creative way you can think of, what you're looking for in a song, and I'll do the best I can with what I have. Yes, that means that I may end up posting a song that you wouldn't normally listen to. That's part of the fun.

I can't use more than one song by any given band. The point of this meme is to give you a taste of new stuff, not to pirate whole CDs. If you like what you hear, you'll still need to buy it yourself. If two of you come up with identical descriptions, I have to find two bands that both fit, or use one song for both of you.

I can't make the song permanently available. Unless the song in question is already available on the band's website (in which case, I'll provide a link to their site instead of posting an mp3), I'll be taking the songs down in a few days, or posting them on a temporary host so that they'll expire after a few days.

Read the old post if you still don't get it, read the results post if you'd like to see how I went about matching people's suggestions.

By all means, go nuts with this. I'm eager to see how many people I can get to reply.

Foxes Mate for Life

Blog find: Hi From Work, in which people say just that, from just there. And they don't so much say hi and just smile and hold up signs that say hi. Simple enough, right? Possibly everybody already knows about this, but it's new to me regardless. I enjoy it, especially because two people who I know are on it, saying hi from work.

Hi from Hillary.


Hi from Stephanie.


Personally, I feel like they're both saying hi to me specifically, but that's all a matter of perspective, I suppose. Also, there's a hi from a cat named Mr. Pants, which held special significance for me.

This may or may not be cooler than another associate's appearance on BedJump.com.

EDIT: Maybe I am the last to know about this. In the time it took to put up the above post, Betsy's work showed up too.


Hi Betsy!

ADDITIONAL EDIT: Mystery somewhat solved. The whole website is Hillary's baby. It started just a few days ago. Hi!

Custody of Your Life

A needed diversion on a drawn-out Tuesday: this particular blog meme.

The rules, according to George, from someone named Heather:

1. Click on this link. The title of the page is the name of your band.
2. Click on this link. The last four words of the final quotation on the page are the title of your album.
3. Click on this link this link. The third picture is your album cover.
4. Take the pic, add your band name and album title.

My results, compiled:


Or, broken down, the Wikipedia article on Mexican mobile phone carrier Telcel, this photo of a daisy, and this quote from author Anna Quindlen: "When you leave college, there are thousands of people out there with the same degree you have; when you get a job, there will be thousands of people doing what you want to do for a living. But you are the only person alive who has sole custody of your life."

Could be worse. I'd guess that it's either Christian pop or some early 90s alternata-rock quartet that broke up after their frontman overdosed.

If you read this and you have a blog, consider yourself tagged. Do notify me with your results.

Fun Teenager Ketchup Party (The Follow-Up)

I'll bet you four thought I forgot about this. In case anyone wasn't reading for the introduction, the rules went as follows:

Rules:

1. You guys tell me what kind of music you want.

2. In a few days, I'll post one mp3 for each of you.

You can't request music by band name or genre. You have to describe, in terms of color, mood, texture, taste, or any other creative way you can think of, what you're looking for in a song, and I'll do the best I can with what I have. Yes, that means that I may end up posting a song that you wouldn't normally listen to. That's part of the fun.

I can't use more than one song by any given band. The point of this meme is to give you a taste of new stuff, not to pirate whole CDs. If you like what you hear, you'll still need to buy it yourself. If two of you come up with identical descriptions, I have to find two bands that both fit, or use one song for both of you.

I can't make the song permanently available. Unless the song in question is already available on the band's website (in which case, I'll provide a link to their site instead of posting an mp3), I'll be taking the songs down in a few days, or posting them on a temporary host so that they'll expire after a few days.

I've been doing a thousand other things, but that doesn't mean I had forgotten about the arrangement. Bri (Bri!) responded first, with this: If Twin Peaks were set today, what song would Audrey find to dance to in a contemporary jukebox?

My answer: The Gossip, "Listen Up." Like Audrey herself, this song has a retro vibe. I could honest hear Aretha Franklin singing in as well as the girl who does. Besides that, the message of the song seems to be one that a popular rich girl like Audrey would agree with. I'm not 100 percent comfortable with this recommendation, however, so I'm going to double-up with Andy Votel's "The Return of the Spooky Driver," which may not be imminently danceable but at least matches the formal structure of Audrey's theme. Besides, I doubt anybody but Audrey herself could dance to Audrey's theme.

The Gossip and Andy Votel are both available through iTunes, though less legal downloading programs could probably snag the songs as well.

Next up: Dina (Canklesaurus!). She responded with this: I would like to hear a song that you can dance to, but awkwardly. I would like to not quite know how to move because something odd but fun is happening so I must just hop around and smile a lot and wave my arms like a European. I want it to be bubbly like icecream covered in bubbles — inedible but still delicious.

My answer: Soviet's "Candy Girl." It's dance music, but in a very New Wave sort of way. (And no, I didn't just recommend this because I associate a band called "Soviet" with you, my little Russkie immigrant child. If you didn't know better, you'd probably think it came from that era, but it oddly came from the 90s, neatly between the two time periods where such synthy music was in style. It's poppy as all hell, but the singer's voice is so low that it always seemed to me that the vocal track had to have been recorded separately, in the basement of a shoe polish sandwich shop in some country that didn't exist before the U.S.S.R. fell.

Next up: Meg (Meg Horesxhkji!). She shot me this: I'd like to hear something synesthetically red and orange and outlined in thick black lines, something that expresses existential discontent in a cheerfully palatable manner. I'd like it to generate the kind of weirdly nostalgic, mixed up and distressed and simultaneously exultant feelings that you'd have if you accidentally came across your tattered, childhood teddybear up for sale by some stranger on eBay."

My answer: Woof. That's a lot to chew on, but I think I can give you something that captures most of it. The Magnetic Fields' "I Don't Love You Anymore" could probably work on the grounds that it presents a title that ostensibly explain a man's now-dead love for a woman. However, it's very clear from the song that he still carries those feelings. It's a fairly simple song in that it sounds like something a child might write or sing, however, the meaning goes deeper than that. It may not be especially red and orange with black lines, but I'm not sure what would be.

The Magnetic Fields are available on iTunes. But if you download one, you should really get the rest, too. I think you'd especially dig this band.

Next up: Pedro (Pedro!). He spat at me the following: Because you know enough about art history to have a chance at pulling it off: I'd like to hear something Baroque. Not the cats-banging-against-a-trashcan that they came up with themselves, but something that sounds like Baroque sculpture and/or architecture looks.

My answer: Fuck. I don't know much about the Baroque anything. In fact, whenever I see the word, I secretly pronounce it in my head as "barbecue." But I have seen it before. From what I’ve taken in from all things Baroque, this song should be elaborate, fancy, vaguely spiritual, lush and largely grand. I think “The Tain,” by the Decembersists, should work well. It’s an epic eighteen-minute song, with four or five distinct parts. It also features various speakers, including a crone, a soldier, a chorus of waifs, a married couple, a sea captain, and a widow.

As always, “The Tain” is available on iTunes, but only if you purchase the full album. If you have any trouble finding a way around this, tell me and I’ll help you out.

So how did I do?

Fun Teenager Ketchup Party

Stole it from Meg H., who stole it from Bri. It really did sound like fun:

Rules:

1. You guys tell me what kind of music you want.

2. In a few days, I'll post one mp3 for each of you.

You can't request music by band name or genre. You have to describe, in terms of color, mood, texture, taste, or any other creative way you can think of, what you're looking for in a song, and I'll do the best I can with what I have. Yes, that means that I may end up posting a song that you wouldn't normally listen to. That's part of the fun.

I can't use more than one song by any given band. The point of this meme is to give you a taste of new stuff, not to pirate whole CDs. If you like what you hear, you'll still need to buy it yourself. If two of you come up with identical descriptions, I have to find two bands that both fit, or use one song for both of you.

I can't make the song permanently available. Unless the song in question is already available on the band's website (in which case, I'll provide a link to their site instead of posting an mp3), I'll be taking the songs down in a few days, or posting them on a temporary host so that they'll expire after a few days.

And be forewarned: I tend to have fairly odd taste in music. Make of that what you will.