Thursday, July 17, 2008

Some Folk'll Never Eat a Skunk

My obsession with names prompted me to look into the long list of kids claimed by The Simpsons characters Cletus and Brandine Spuckler.

The children, and their names, are as follows:
  • First a big group of fashionably named hicklings introduced in the episode "Marge Simpson in 'Screaming Yellow Honkers'":
    • Tiffany
    • Heather
    • Cody
    • Dylan
    • Dermot
    • Jordan
    • Taylor
    • Brittany
    • Wesley
    • Rumer
    • Scout
    • Cassidy
    • Zoe, pronounced to rhyme with "blow"
    • Chloe, also pronounced to rhyme with "blow"
    • Max
    • Hunter
    • Kendall
    • Caitlin
    • Noah
    • Sasha
    • Morgan
    • Kyra
    • Ian
    • Lauren
    • Q-Bert, for some reason
    • and Phil
  • Condoleezza Marie (from "Barting Over")
  • Rubella Scabies (from "I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can")
  • Gummy Sue (from "Helter Shelter")
  • An unnamed child Brandine is giving birth to in Cletus's truck in "Lost Our Lisa")
  • A group of kids introduced in "Yokel Chords," though Brandine claims Cletus is the father of only two of them:
    • Birthday
    • Crystal Meth
    • Dubya
    • Incest
    • International Harvester
    • Jitney
    • and Witney
  • A kid whom Brandine births and for whom she asks Cletus to "cut the umbrellical cord"
  • Children described in "Marge Gamer" by Cletus with the following sentence: "I have sired a dumb-dumb, a mush-head, a whatsit, a dogboy, and something with a human face and fish body what we called Kevin. But my young'uns is not dirty players!"
  • And, finally, in "Apocalypse Cow," two more — Marry Westlemania Spuckler and Stabbed in Jail Spuckler.
So, then, if you only count two from "Yokel Cords" and suppose that the ones named in "Marge Gamer" as being kids already listed, Cletus has 36 strikingly named children.

My work is complete.

More Simpsons:


  1. But you're counting the Kevin the Fishboy as one, right? You're not lumping all the described kids as being previously listed?