- “Possible Solutions to The Secret of Seagull Island,” because as sad as it sounds, this is one of the most creative things I did this year
- “The Adventures of Slut the Pig,” because who could resist that title?
- “Why the First Second Is the Longest,” because chronostasis is easily the coolest thing I learned about in 2012
- “Thinking Negatively About Your Body,” because the story behind the word silhouette is a lot more interesting than you’d imagine
- “A Good Day at Work,” because it’s a great example of how I perform when someone asks me a favor on a day when I’m particularly bored
- “With ‘It’ Being the Blackest of Hearts,” because the world needs to know what comic book supervillain bears a striking resemblance to Kris Jenner
- “Deluge of Dongs (or — the Trouble With Google Targeted Ads),” because I sometimes bitch about things eloquently, if I do say so myself
- “The Singing, Dancing, Mystery-Solving Actresses of the 1940s,” because I’ll bet you didn’t know that Shirley Temple solved mysteries
- “The Hadouken of the Undersea World,” because come on — shrimpoluminescence
- “Stage Directions for a Play About the Lives of Housecats,” because just because
- “A Field of Red Amaranth,” because I so rarely get a chance to say anything meaningful about my hometown, and this is the closest I’ve come
- “Best Actor in a Lasagna-Based Drama,” because don’t you want to know what Hollywood icon looks remarkably like Garfield the cat?
Also, don’t you want to know the story behind this adorable bunny rabbit?
Because I would.