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Friday, October 10, 2008

The Blustery Day

It may never rain in Southern California, but it gets windy occasionally, and, really, it’s those days you have to watch out for.

I doubt I would have ever let windy days in Santa Barbara rattle me if I hadn’t taken the job at the newspaper. For the oblivious and urban, I’d imagine, this type of weather means minor inconveniences: wide wakes of dust near open windows and assaulting specks in the eyes during the walk from the parking spot to the office.

I no longer think this way.

Especially in early, dry autumn, I think about fires. Twice, now, I’ve had Independence Day ruined: last year’s Zaca Fire last year, which actually started on July 4, and this year’s Gap Fire, which was sparked on July 1. Plans for holiday relaxation and beachside fireworks-viewing went up in smoke, so to speak, on both occasions. Zaca and Gap may have resulted from human actions, but both blazes nonetheless became hot and sassy centers of my universe during their respective lifespans.

I have the house to myself this weekend. If some horrible firebeast showed up and consumed my plans — and, hell, maybe my house — then we’d have established a pattern, wouldn’t we? We just might. Today, both the county fire department and the Los Padres forest service announced that they would be temporarily increasing ready-and-able staff as a result of hot, dry winds blowing on a hot, dry day over wilderness that, by and large, is also hot and dry. Bad alignment of the stars.

It seemed important to me — and probably only me — that these two notes of caution referred to the winds differently. The first called them Sundowners — or, specifically, “Sundowner-type winds,” which Sundowners most assuredly are — and the second called them Santa Anas — or, specifically, a “Santa Ana wind event.” (It’s diction like this that also gives us “male subject” in police reports when the author actually means “man.” You have to love the law-and-order approach to English, which is at least better than the Law & Order style to English.) At some point, I learned the differences between these two types of winds — or “wind events,” if you want to be formal and therefore verbose about it — but I couldn’t remember today and looked them up.

Wikipedia describes the Santa Ana winds as strong, dry offshore winds that characteristically sweep through Southern California and northern Baja California in late autumn into winter. It goes on to note that they can be either hot or cold but are often thought of as being warm because their arrival can bring the highest temperatures of the year. For obvious reasons, they can also turn a small fire into a large problem.

The term Sundowner, conversely, refers to a wind phenomenon that occurs in Santa Barbara. This I did not know. I thought the term was much more widespread. Probably as a result of its limited habitat, the Wikipedia article on Sundowners is much shorter than the one on Santa Anas. It explains them as follows:
A Sundowner is an offshore wind which occurs when a region of high pressure is directly north of the Santa Barbara area, the part of the California coast which trends east-west. When the pressure gradient is perpendicular to the axis of the Santa Ynez Mountains, which rise directly behind Santa Barbara, the winds blow with greatest force. These winds often precede Santa Ana events by a day or two, as it is normal for high pressure areas to migrate east, causing the pressure gradients to shift to the northeast.
Given this, I suppose that both press releases could be correct: The first was sent only to Santa Barbara media, while the second one went to most outlets in Southern California. And I guess I shouldn’t quibble: I myself apparently am inclined to pronounce “Santa Ana” as “Santee Ana,” possibly because it’s just easier to say and possibly because my hometown sits beneath a mountain whose name is often pronounced by second-, third-, and fourth-generation residents as “Santee Ana Peak.” Either way, it’s a Southern California shibboleth: I sound like some bumpkin awaiting Santy Claws on Krishmush.

In spite of the fact the wind has been blowing all day in Santa Barbara, the origin of Sundowner seems obvious. Wikipedia makes no mention of it, but it goes into some depth for “Santa Ana,” whose origin is stranger than you might think. Despite the existence of the Santa Ana mountains, the Santa Ana River and the Santa Ana Canyon in Southern California, no one sure whether the winds took their name from these geographical features. The origin is obscure. One especially fun theory traces the term to a corruption of the Spanish term for the phenomenon: “Santana winds,” from the Spanish vientos de Satán, which, in turn, comes from a translation from some unspecified pre-Spanish language. The devil, I guess, really is in the details, at least for the topic at hand.

I should note that Wikipedia is politely questioning the accuracy of this claim with a little superscript “citation needed” floating beside the paragraph that contains it. I don’t know why the Spanish would have said vientos de Satán instead of vientos del diablo. (I do know, however, that Carlos Santana just recently played at the Santa Barbara Bowl, so he may well be involved in this as well. I’ll keep you posted.) This point is further complicated by the existence of yet another meteorological term, Diablo winds, which refer specifically to Santa Ana-like winds that occur around San Francisco. Wikipedia claims that this term arose much more recently: in 1991, when area media coined it in connection with the firestorm in Oakland that year. It may have originated, Wikipedia continues, “from the observation that the wind blows into the inner Bay Area from the direction of the Diablo Valley in adjacent Contra Costa County, and [because of] the fiery, sensationalist connotation inherent in devil wind.”

Any discussion of the connection between breezes and Beelzebub should rightly mention the superstition that the Santa Ana winds make people act bizarrely, violently, angrily, and unexpectedly. Strangely, Wikipedia makes no mention of it on the Santa Ana page itself, save for in the section labeled “Santa Ana winds in popular culture,” but I could swore that Joan Didion did in that one book she wrote. (You know — the one where she writes beautifully about some element of California? That single one?) Supposed mood-altering properties are, however, discussed in the entry for foehn winds. (I know, I know — yet another wind. It’s a little tedious to me too, at this point, though the addition of this one makes for four winds, which is also the title of a Bright Eyes song that happens to mention “The Great Satan” as well as the phrase “slouching towards Bethlehem, which was also the title of a Joan Didion book and could very well be the one I’m thinking of.) Also known as föhn winds, Foehn winds — which, as I understand them, occur in Central Europe but are not restricted to that area — are believed to cause some sort of mental illness. In German, the word for this affliction is Föhnkrankheit, which would be altogether wonderful from a verbal standpoint if it wasn’t associated with some major negatives, such as a 10 percent increase in suicides. The discussion of Föhnkrankheit is fairly limited, and any scientific explanation has yet to be proven for it and its apparent cousin illness, Sanatanakrankheit.

At the moment, the winds seem to have died down somewhat. I don’t feel crazy, although the scraping of tree branches against the metal gutter and the spectral swinging of my neighbor’s screen door may push me to that point if the air starts moving again. I’m not presently on fire and, if all goes well, I’ll get a full, unscorched weekend of solitude out of this yet.

The Cargo of My Blueberry Boat

Several species of animals, one less alive than the rest.

324 075

324 086

324 102

324 090

324 081

Oh, and one Hilly.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Call an Opthamologist

Downsides of my office: Fluorescent lights, limited parking, and a particular cheap brand of coffee that I like to call “gut rot.” Upsides: among a few others, occasional, interesting conversations about words.

A few weeks ago, a co-worker — who, as a result of her upbringing, has very good reasons to be unfamiliar with the New Testament — asked me if a person who gave an interview with the paper could have possibly misquoted Jesus. The sentence was this: “Don’t worry about the mote in your brother’s eye, worry about the beam in your own.” Without really reflecting on the word mote, she interpreted the passage to mean that one shouldn’t waste time worrying about a moat — as in, the body of water — when one has some sort of wooden plank that could be used to cross such a barrier. Which makes sense, really, if you haven’t already been told what we’re supposed to think that Jesus actually meant with this strange chunk of syntax. (I’m sure it sounded great in Aramaic.) The quote struck my ears as strange as well, because my Catholic education had familiarized me with a different though not necessarily better translation of the quote: “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” This one avoids using the word mote, which doesn’t get used all that much in modern American English. I think that alone helps the (supposedly) intended meaning to be clearer: Don’t rag on someone for some small fault when you yourself are guilty of something even worse.

To me, the problem with this bit of Christian wisdom is that the wording of it always distracted me from the meaning. When seven-year-old me first heard this one, I was too amused or horrified or just generally preoccupied with the notion of a guy walking around with a portion of Abraham Lincoln’s childhood home sticking out of his eye socket. (What if he turned around? What if a woodpecker lived on him? If he fell forward, would it kill him?) Really, it reminds me of the whole “Lily Allen has a ladder in her tights” thing, which itself was confusing and ridiculous until I found out what it meant.

Beam doesn’t help the situation much, either, especially because now it makes me think of someone taking a laser pointer to the face. Actually, that might be the best way to explain it to seven-year-olds today.

According to this website, which conveniently lists specific Bible passages as different editions translate them, the following are also considered fair game, at least by some whacko sect of Christianity somewhere:
  • “sawdust” and “wooden beam”
  • “grain of dust” and “bit of wood”
  • “splinter” and “beam”
  • “craisin” and “pineapple”
Okay, I made the last one up, but it makes just as much sense as all these carpentry terms. (Oh that Jesus — always talkin’ shop.)

As I said earlier, mote is almost equally problematic, especially if the passage is being recited and not read from the page. Which is too bad, really, because mote is a cool word. Say it to yourself. Ten times. Loudly. Now don’t you feel a little bit better about life?

Aside from confusion with the water-filled river that you put around your castle to keep out invaders, mote is notable for one other reason, as one Shakespeare-savvy intern pointed out during the offices original discussion of this matter. Mote is also a character in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, which itself should not be confused with A Midsummer Night’s Cream. Mote appears as one of Queen Titania’s attendant fairies, alongside Peaseblossom, Cobweb and Mustardseed. It’s easy to forget about Mote, however, because she — or possibly he, I guess — never speaks. In fact, some productions of the play leave the character out altogether.

To complicate the matter even further, some editions of the play render the name as “Moth” instead, which pretty much eliminates the possibility that a reader could interpret the name as a pun on the word mute, which the character could very well be, since she or he has no lines.

Following that logic, I personally would like to read the Jesus quote as “Don’t point out the moth in your neighbor’s eye, when you have the trunk of General Sherman, the tallest tree in the world, in your own.”

Unless that overstates the point.

EDIT: At Spencer’s request and for the sake of accuracy, this post has been retitled “See an Ophthalmologist” from its original title, “See an Optometrist.”

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Bugs! — Or, Overly Long Titles Derided

Ultimately, I suppose Dario Argento is to blame for what you’re about to read.

On the ride back from Solvang — no, we were not making a butter cookie run — I was explaining to Spencer how I had two Netflix arrivals waiting for me, both of them Dario Argento movies. The first was The Third Mother, the long-awaited (by some) completion to the trilogy that also includes Suspiria and Inferno. (If you care, I discussed The Third Mother in some depth in this post right here.) It’s relatively new. The other movie was the 1985 film Phenomena, which stars a pre-Labyrinth, 15-year-old Jennifer Connelly as an American girl attending a Swiss boarding school and, naturally, being pursued by a psychopathic murderer.


Allegedly Argento’s favorite of his films, Phenomena stands out from the rest of his movies, which frequently feature young, interestingly beautiful women trying to escape splattery death at the hands of some shadowy menace. In Phenomena, Connelly’s character, who is also named Jennifer, has the unique talent of being able to psychically communicate with bugs. Oddly, this superpower is not the focus of the film and, except for a few keys scenes, is presented as being rather incidental to the film’s plot. (Side joke: Connelly’s presence in a film that features bugs is especially funny since even as a teenager she has rather thick eyebrows. My dream Phenomena scene would involve the line “Jennifer, look out! There’s sinister, hairy caterpillars crawling on your face!” and her angrily responding “No, those are just my eyebrows, just like they were only my eyebrows yesterday when you said the same thing.”)

eyebrow-riffic image from analog medium

But this post isn’t about Phenomena, Jennifer Connelly’s eyebrows or bugs. (Sorry.)

After I mentioned Phenomena, Spencer asked me if I’d ever read a book titled something that sounds like “phenomena.” I suggested that maybe he was thinking of the John Travolta and Kyra Sedgwick movie and somehow confusing it for being a book, which it probably was, at some point, if only in the form of something that was shoddily adapted from the movie. Spencer swore that it wasn’t and that this book — Feemomeema or Fidonina or whatever — existed and had in fact been read by his friends for various classes. I hadn’t heard of it.

Later today, he figured it out: The work in question was the 1724 novella Fantomina, authoress Eliza Haywood’s tale of a woman who, according to Wikipedia, “assumes the roles of a prostitute, a maid, a widow, and a lady in order to repeatedly seduce a man named Beauplaisir.” I couldn’t imagine why groups of people had to read such a thing, but having survived UCSB’s English major I’m not especially surprised.

Eliza Haywood, it turns out, was quite prolific, despite the considerable handicap of being a woman existing in the 18th century. Wikipedia lists her works as including the following titles:
  • The Injur’d Husband
  • Idalia; or The Unfortunate Mistress
  • Lasselia; or The Self-Abandon’d
  • The Rash Resove; or, The Untimely Discovery
  • The Masqueraders; or Fatal Curiosity
  • The Fatal Secret; or, Constancy in Distress
  • The Arragonian Queen: A Secret History
  • The City Jilt; or, The Alderman Turn’d Beau
  • The Force of Nature; or, The Lucky Disappointment
  • Memoirs of a Certain Island Adjacent to the Kingdom of Utopia
  • The Secret History of the Present Intrigues of the Court of Carimania
  • Letters from the Palace of Fame
  • The Fatal Fondness (1725)
  • The Mercenary Lover; or, the Unfortunate Heiresses
  • The Double Marriage; or, The Fatal Release
  • The Distressed Orphan; or, Love in a Madhouse
  • Cleomelia; or The Generous Mistress
  • The Fruitless Enquiry
  • Philadore and Placentia
  • The Perplex’d Dutchess; or Treachery Rewarded
  • The Padlock; or No Guard Without Virtue
  • Irish Artifice; or, The History of Clarina
  • Persecuted Virtue; or, The Cruel Lover
  • The Agreeable Caledonian; or, Memoirs of Signiora di Morella
  • The Fair Hebrew; or, A True, but Secret History of Two Jewish Ladies
  • Life’s Progress through the Passions; or, The Adventures of Natura
  • Dalinda; or The Double Marriage
  • A Letter from H------ G--------, Esq., One of the Gentlemen of the Bedchamber of the Young Chevalier
  • The History of Jemmy and Jenny Jessamy
  • The Invisible Spy
If you made it through the list, you’ll note that an unusual number of Haywood’s works feature double titles. I realize this was common in her day, but looking at just her books by themselves, I can’t help but wonder if she was incredibly indecisive. Would one not have sufficed? Really, who is the main character of the book: The Mercenary Lover? Or The Unfortunate Heiress? Could it not have been titled The Mercenary Lover and the Unfortunate Heiress?

Personally, I think Haywood missed the boat by not going for maximum contrast with her title and either making the paired titles total non-sequiturs or complete contradictions.

Examples:
  • The Diligent Piemaker; or The Lazy Piemaker
  • The Man Who Loved Fishing; or The Man Who Actually Didn’t Love Fishing
  • The Man; or The Woman
  • The Happy Rabbit; or The Embattl’d Governess Who Stole Hairpins
  • Commitment Ascertain’d; or Maybe Something Else, Possibly About Foul-Natured Rich People Who Drink; or Then Again Maybe Something With a Horse That Dances
You see what I mean.

More than anything else, I’m amused by the fact that Haywood’s last listed work is The Invisible Spy, mostly because one of her contemporaries was Aphra Behn, whom I did have to read quite often in college and who would have bored me to death if not for the fact that she worked as a spy for a period during her life. Also, I’ve read enough of her literary compendium bios to know that Behn was not an attractive woman. Such a condition could make one quite conspicuous in some circumstances and rather invisible in others. I’d like to think that Haywood’s book was about Behn herself.

miss aphra behn herself, god rest her soul

And to think — all this as a result of some Italian guy’s movie about bugs.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Stray Puffins and Ponies

I’m happy to report that I’m not the only one who found Vergina beer sniggerworthy. The below photo, which I originally snagged from my cousin Melissa’s blog when she wrote about the Monterey Greek Festival, now appears on the site of name and brand name expert Nancy Friedman.



She manages to one-up Vergina, however, with an even more terribly named beverage. It’s a British product, so it can’t even blame translation errors for this bummer of a handle, as Nancy points out.


There’s a market for it, I suppose.

A small note: The above image, which also appears on Nancy’s site, comes directly from the official site for the energy drink in question. I tried to find a better image of the container — perhaps one that wasn’t weirdly cropped at the bottom — but, upon seeing what my Google image search turned up, I instantly regretted this attempt. I won’t link it, but you could imagine ways in which this all went very wrong.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

The Lady or the Poisonous Witch?

Despite the absence of a word of the week last Saturday, you’re only getting a short one for today, mostly because there’s not all that much written about it. Why rush it, I figure. Strange words abound.
veneficial (ven-e-FISH-el) — adjective: 1. acting by poison, or poisoning. 2. acting by, or used in, witchcraft or sorcery. 3. relating to the doings of Venus, the goddess of love.
The value of this word, of course, lies in the fact that it’s pronounced almost identically to beneficial, even though veneficial would be most often used in a negative context. (Witchcraft isn’t necessarily bad, I suppose, depending on what side of the hex you’re on, and the more venereal of the three meanings could easily turn out badly, as anyone who’s hit puberty can attest.) Most dictionaries that include veneficial — which is not many, by the way, though it does appear in the 1913 edition of Webster’s — note that it’s a variant of the more-common-but-actually-all-that-common veneficious. I found it in Peter Bowler’s The Superior Person’s Book of Words, which doesn’t include an etymology, though it would appear to come from a combination of the Latin venenum, “poison,” and the verb facere, “to do, make, perform or cause.” The linking of poison and sex struck me as strange, initially, since I never associated Venus and venereal with venom, but Derrida’s Dissemination notes that the concepts may be connected, even “double-faced” if explorations into Indo-European and Proto-Indo-European are any indication

Previous words of the week:

Thursday, October 2, 2008

V for Vacation

I stumbled onto this image and remembered how much I liked this latter-day Simpsons episode. Surprisingly good, and with the added benefit of guest starring Alan Moore himself.


This may be even funnier after the Watchmen movie comes out.