Friday, January 28, 2011

Well, Doctor, It Kind of Looked Like Chocolate

I have no control what kind of food comes into my office. That much must be said. Also, I don’t eat most of it, because any relief from hunger would be offset by the sensation of garbage food liquefying in my stomach, then solidifying, then causing digestive distress for days.


However, I have to admit that I have a sick fascination with these horrible food things that I haven’t been around since my freshman year. Some are even new to me. And they regularly fascinate me in their awfulness. Here’s the current champion:

Yes, Special K’s Chocolatey Drizzle. Chocolatey Drizzle. Not Chocolate Drizzle, which would make sense, but instead a spattering of chocolate-like or perhaps chocolate-looking goo. Personally, I don’t think a food-like product should share a name with a polite descriptor for a symptom of food poisoning. But even more than that, I’m bothered by the use of chocolatey over chocolate because I wonder if it’s not chocolate at all. Instead, it’s a chocolate-like substance that Kellog’s can’t legally market as chocolate but can as being chocolatey. You know, in the way that a purple SweeTart is grapey or a Slim Jim is meaty. Finally, I want to express concern that people should not be eating anything that they could conceivably expel from their body in more or less the same form. (Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, and chocolatey drizzle to chocolatey drizzle.)

Look for it on the shitty food aisle!


  1. This makes me think of the Choco Taco, which has this description on the label: "Fudge Rippled artificially flavored reduced fat vanilla ice cream in a sugar taco cone with milk chocolate flavored coating and peanuts. Artificial flavor added. This is not a reduced fat food." Sounds delicious!

    Actually, the whole idea of what food vendors are allowed to legally put on a box fascinates me.

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  3. food" naming conventions and laws have fascinated me recently (and well before the taco bell "meat" lawsuit) Just as an example: there are laws dedicated to what can be called: cheese, cheese food, cheese product, and imitation cheese.

    Since the box says: "Naturally and artificially flavored" there is probably a higher percentage of artificial flavoring than natural chocolate, and therefore it cannot legally be called chocolate drizzle.

    I wouldn't eat it.

  4. I would suspect, because it is a low-calorie food, the "natural" flavoring used is carob, not real chocolate.
    I used to buy "chocolate" cookies for my dog that actually used carob because chocolate is dangerous for dogs. I'd like to say I'd never feed my dog anything I wouldn't eat myself, but I'd be lying.