Monday, April 27, 2009

Toothpaste Smells Like Teacher

Even if our stay in Coachella ended more than a week ago, I still have little these-and-those to post. I’d like to start your morning with this: our evidence of the single coolest thing at the house we stayed at.


In case you make out the writing on the package, it’s a tube of Neiman Marcus scotch-flavored toothpaste. This may be something everyone else in the world already knew of, but it was new to me. The joke, as it was explained to me, is that those who might have some less innocent reason for their breath to smell of scotch in the middle of the day can explain the odor away with the fact that this particular type of toothpaste exists, whether or not they actually have the product at home. In short, Neiman Marcus thinks your alcoholism is cute.

I actually tried it. It tasted about like you’d expect, so much so that I had to start over with my regular, baking soda-flavored variety afterward. The house also had a tube of Neiman Marcus’s bourbon toothpaste. I opted not to try it.

I looked online to see if this particular product can still be purchased. Based on the official Neiman Marcus website, it does not appear to be. I can’t say for sure, however, because I was quickly diverted by more entertaining prospects: the same department store’s after-dinner toothpaste kit, which includes crème de menthe, amaretto, and anisette flavors and a “Cordially Yours” kit that includes peppermint Schnapps, Irish creme, and crème de café. Not to be outdone, the Japanese have taken the notion of flavored toothpaste to whole new levels of goofy. This article claims that the Breath Palette company at some point has marketed toothpaste that smacks of pineapple, green tea, something called “monkey banana,” honey, kiwifruit, café au lait, plum, vanilla, something called “Indo curry,” strawberry, California orange, white peach, Darjeeling tea, lemon tea, bitter chocolate, blueberry, caramel, grapefruit, some awful thing known as “pumpkin pudding,” cola, fresh yogurt, lavender, something called “sweet salt,” Fuji apple, Kyoto-style tea, Japanese plum and grape.

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