I Really Want to Know

Though I doubt it will pick up the steam that the Twenty-Five Things craze did, the latest Facebook trend seems to be those “What X Are You?” quizzes, with “X” being a city, article of clothing, cocktail, breed of cat, sandwich spread, 80s-era X-Man, or brand of toothpaste that someone, somewhere has deemed to be representative of basic personality types. I want to program these quizzes. And I want them to punish, specifically through assigning every quiz-taker the worst possible evaluation, regardless of their answers.

Example: The “What State Would You Be?” would assign out Delaware with the only explanation being simply “Bland. Forgettable.”

Others:

Q: What Sea Animal Are You?
A: Longshoreman.

Q: What Color Are You?
A: Clear.

Q: What Body Part Are You?
A: Nail polish painted on nail-less pinky toe to make it look like it has a nail.

Q: What Language Are You?
A: Midwestern-accented English, slurred loudly.

Q: What Vegetable Are You?
A: An ornamental gourd — pimply, lacquered, inedible.

Q: What Kind of Lunchmeat Are You?
A: Lunchables slice. Discarded.

Q: What Beverage Are You?
A: Brackish water in a Dixie cup.

Q: What Famous Cartoon Character Are You?
A: You would be an unfamous cartoon character.

Q: What 70s Movie Are You?
A: Series of educational films. Released December 1979.

Q: What New York Restaurant Are You?
A: A soup kitchen in New York.

Q: What Book Are You?
A: Title unimportant. Is dropped in a puddle. No one cares.

Q: Which Ninja Turtles character Are You?
A: Irma Langinstein, homely co-worker to April O’Neil.

Q: What Spice Are You?
A: You are not a spice. You are flour.

Q: What Accessory Are You?
A: Polio brace.

Q: What TV Network Are You?
A: The DuMont Network.

Q: What Renaissance Painting Are You?
A: You are a postcard of the Louvre, purchased at Charles de Gaulle.

Q: What Musical Instrument Are You?
A: A garbage can, which technically was used as an instrument in Stomp.

Q: What SNL Cast Member Are You?
A: Laurie Metcalf.

Q: What Kind of Tree Are You?
A: Model tree on train set in sex offender’s basement.

Q: What Kind of House Are You?
A: Whore shanty.

Q: What Looney Tunes Character Are You?
A: You are the human who couldn’t get the frog to sing and dance when he wanted to.

Q: What Mode of Transportation Are You?
A: A two-by-four with rollerskates taped to the bottom by children who lack adult supervision and sufficient funds to purchase an actual skateboard.

Also, all the better if I can design the quiz to interrupt the taker halfway through with the message that it does not matter what he or she picks for the remaining questions because it’s already tabulated the answer.

I will not take on your Top Fives tonight.