Let’s Get Awkwardly Physical

Do you love Olivia Newton-John but feel that her greatest achievements could be improved upon? Then you might have a bit in common with Vanessa, the Dutch-born singer who recorded the song “Upside-Down” in 1982, about a year after Newton-John released “Let’s Get Physical.”

It’s not so much that the song itself draws on “Let’s Get Physical” but just that Vanessa — who looks like Vanna White as styled by Dolly Parton — decided to steal the original video’s whole workout motif. Not that Olivia should have owned for eternity, exactly, but she at least deserved to keep it for a year or so. I’d imagine that Vanessa and friends didn’t realize that the early 80s vibe and the decidedly low-budge aesthetic, when combined with the gym setting, either skews porny or specifically gay porny. (You know, in the way that happened with that awful thing that Bruce Jenner did. No, the other one. No, the other one.) Either way, if you do not feel weird about touching surfaces after watching this video, you are weird.

Overall, the result is enthusiastically baffling. Bonus points for the part at 1:49, when the ridiculousness of doing the whole situation overcomes the dude with the mustache and he starts laughing. I have to hand it to him: He lasted longer than I would have gone without laughing or barfing.

With “It” Being a Particularly Feline Expression of Disgust

First the image…

And then the addendum that I do actually believe that Bravo fury Tabatha Coffey was actually born into this world as a white-haired cat that bore a constant expression of condescension for having to tolerate other living beings' existence. She willed her feline body to grow human parts specifically so she could yell at people and make them quake with fear.

Decisive Battle (of Musical Trivia)

Fellow nerds, help me out.

So I like Pink Lady, the Japanese duo who scored big in the late 70s and early 80s and, as I noted in a now-years-old post, ultimately wound up on a variety show on NBC despite the fact that neither member spoke English. (It’s quite the story, actually. Do click through to the original post, if you value from truly bizarre east-meets-west pop culture fusion.) And I recently happened upon a cache of Pink Lady videos on YouTube and caught the follwing rendition of “Southpaw.”

The music at the beginning — from 0:07 onward especially — reminded me of a Final Fantasy battle theme, but I can’t remember which. I can hear it in my head, but I just can’t place the game it came from. I poked around some more on YouTube and ended up with what seems to be a remade, hyped-up version of one of the original NES Final Fantasy tracks.

And this is pretty close, I guess, but the thing is I never played this glossy version of the original Final Fantasy. So is this it? Or is it a different battle theme I’m thinking of? If it is, in fact, this Final Fantasy 1 song, I’m guessing that the game music was a tribute to Pink Lady, since “Southpaw” came out in 1978, nine years before Final Fantasy taught the world about Red Mages and Bahamut. I eagerly await your thoughtful responses on this most urgent matter.

In testament to the greatness of Pink Lady, I’ll point out that they’re one of only two Japanese artists to ever appear on the American Billboard Top 40, the other being Kyu Sakamoto, whose 1961 globe-spanning hit found considerable success in the U.S. as “Sukiyaki.” (The song’s path from a tearful Japanese song to an American hit about a stewed beef dish made for another previous post on this blog, by the way.) Here’s that one American-approved Pink Lady song, “Kiss in the Dark”:

Clearly, it did well with the disco crowd. It’s all the more impressive to me because the Pink Lady singers were singing the translated, English lyrics phonetically. Truthfully, they hadn’t a clue what they were saying, not that their performance reflects this.

But yes — nerds? What say you?

Video games and pop music, previously:

• The Pixies do the theme from NARC
• Final Fantasy (the artist, not the game) and the star maze song from Super Mario Land 2
• Janet Jackson sampled Legend of Mana
• The ice music from Donkey Kong Country 2 seemed to have “been inspired by” a Vangelis track
• The Great Giana Sisters sounds not unlike electroclash
• Scissor Sisters and Mega Man
• Video game-y lyrics in Magic Wands’ “Black Magic”
• The Super Mario Bros. theme and Van Halen’s “Jump,” allegedly 

Son of Dad?

Why yes, I do enjoy my beers making obscure Seinfeld references.

 (An explanation of Denogginizer, if you need one, courtesy of The Seinfeld Dictionary.)

I’m Really Worried About Zooey Deschanel

Like I just said, Zooey Deschanel has given me cause for concern — not about her personal well-being, because that’s a given, but more that she’s secretly some sort of malicious entity bent on amassing power. Look at her. Just look at her.

No one dresses that cute without an ulterior agenda. Just from an aesthetic standpoint, Zooey Deschanel should worry you, too: She dresses in a way that seems to charm old people and hipsters alike. What is that? Like, that’s not something that happens, yet she nonetheless seems to win over these disparate groups. She’s a Hollywood brat who somehow maintains indie cred, and then she jumps from playing at an alt rock musical festival back to L.A. to film an episode of her popular network sitcom, all while wearing outfits that make her look good but which when imitated by mortal women make them look sad, boho dumbasses. I did the math; that shouldn’t be possible. Oh and that blog! That blog! “Hello Giggles”? Did she really trick the literate, adult women of the world into thinking it’s somehow okay to read something called “Hello Giggles”? And why is she the only thing I remember now about Almost Famous? She was barely in it. What was it about? Zooey the stewardess saves the world and kills Kate Hudson? Can’t even remember now.

Here’s basically what I think will happen in 2012: You’re going to wake up one day and say, “Hey, when did Zooey Deschanel become the unquestioned lord and master of the universe? The last thing I remember was I was watching a YouTube clip of her singing some dopey song with a ukelele. But I liked the song, even though anyone else singing the same song with the same ukelele would be pitiful and repellant, and I just got lost in those blue eyes. What color are those eyes? Cyan? Ice blue? Some especially cool shade of winter mint that God spared from the spectrum just so it could exist solely in the eyes of the Zooey Deschanel?” And then when you come to, Zooey is sitting on a throne adorned with the skulls of the her imperfect, failed prototype girlbots — Katy Perry, Emily Blunt, Lizzy Caplan and Anna Friel — and demanding blood sacrifices of us all because her plan worked, dammit, and we were all to fucking busy humming the theme song to The New Girl to notice. She’s reigning over all with an iron fist — iron fists sheathed in vintage pearl white driving gloves are stil iron fists — with her sister, Bones, seated at her right side. And oh yeah — we call her “Bones” now because she actually eats people’s bones. Because she can. Because she always wanted to and now she can.

So yeah, I’ve got to say it: I’m really worried about Zooey Deschanel. And now that I’ve publicly associated myself with these fears, I’m worried about myself. If she comes and kills me, at least she’ll do it in a cute manner.

She’s watching me. She’s watching you. Deschanel Blue sees all.

(Apparently this is how I end the year.)

How the World Ends

Not with a bang but with whimper-growling muffled by foam.

While saner minds stood guard, even. (And sorry, Africa — like, for the millionth time.)

Apocalypse notwithstanding, it was a lovely December afternoon spent on grass.

And the world, you’ll be happy to know, was placed out-of-reach, on a shelf, where it belongs.

The Robots Are Coming

What’s so notable about The Android Sisters’ 1984 song “The Robots Are Coming”? Despite the title, the name of the band and the fact that it sounds like a porny version of the Main Street Electrical Parade theme? This song is unusual in that it has a twist: At one point, the mantra of “The robots are coming” gets paired up with a weirdly sexy, synth “ooh,” giving you the listener the opportunity to wonder if the robots aren’t just coming but they’re also actually coming.

And that, friends, is why The Android Sisters are everybody’s favorite 80s band.