A Conversation With Online Advertising About My Recent Underwear Purchase

Me: I have purchased underwear online.

Online advertising: HEY DO YOU WANT TO BUY UNDERWEAR

Me: Hmm? Oh, no. I already did.

Online advertising: HEY DO YOU WANT TO BUY UNDERWEAR

Me: No, I bought a sufficient amount.

Online advertising: HEY BUT UNDERWEAR

Me: Right. I actually use the internet for purposes other than underwear-purchasing.

Online advertising: HEY

Me: Yes? What?

Online advertising: LOOK HERE IS THE UNDERWEAR YOU WERE LOOKING AT

Me: Thanks. I know. I don’t need to see it again until it arrives in the mail.

Online advertising: THEY COME IN COLORS TOO

Me: You know, I’m actually typing in a sort of public space right now…

Online advertising: OUR ADS LOOK LIKE GAY SOFTCORE KINDA

Me: Yes, a lot of men’s underwear advertisements look that way.

Online advertising: IF YOU WERE LOOKING AT THIS PHOTO ON TUMBLR OR SOMETHING AT WORK YOU COULD GET IN TROUBLE

Me: You know, the page I’m on right now isn’t even remotely underwear-related…

Online advertising: HERE WE PUT A LADY IN THE AD IF THAT MAKES IT BETTER

Me: It really doesn’t.

Online advertising: LOOK THERE’S LESS LADY NOW.

Me: …

Online advertising: HEY.

Online advertising: HEY BET YOU’RE NOT LOOKING AT THE LADY NOW HA HA HA

Me: Gosh, this online dictionary site has a lot of banner ads.

Online advertising: HEY WHY ARE YOU EMBARRASSED ABOUT WEARING UNDERWEAR

Me: I’m really not, it’s just that—

Online advertising: HEY ARE YOU GOING ON VACATION MAYBE

Me: ...

Online advertising: HEY BUT UNDERWEAR

Me: [runs away, abandoning laptop at the coffee house]

Online advertising: HEY BUY SOME MORE UNDERWEAR

(And yes, I have written about this exact phenomenon before, but as it’s been said online far too many times this week, It is happening again.)