Monday, October 6, 2014

Questions I Have About These New Episodes of Twin Peaks

So this, obviously, is something I never thought would happen, even after season four of Arrested Development and the Veronica Mars movie. It was too far off, too locked into its cult classic status. But no, despite all that, this is happening again. There are new episodes of Twin Peaks coming in 2016.

I have some questions, however.

Would Laura be 25 years older? Despite, you know, being dead?

Would Cooper be 25 years older, despite not existing on our plane of reality all this time?

Isn’t nice how Kyle MacLachlan aged more gracefully than the Twin Peaks makeup artists guessed he would?

Will it be Twin Peaks: The Next Generation?

Can James have married Donna? Could Shelley have married Bobby? Could Audrey have married Johnny Justice Wheeler? And could their kids all be attending high school together?

Or has “Bad Cooper” killed off everyone in Twin Peaks by now? Can the establishing shot be the the town’s population, considerably lowered in the past twenty-five years?

So… no BOB, right? Since Frank Silva died in 1995?

And no Mrs. Tremond, since Frances Bay died in 2011?

And no Pete Martell?

Could the show guest-star Zooey Deschnael and Rashida Jones, since by virtue of being the daughters of Eileen Hayward and Norma Jennings, they’re Twin Peaks legacies?

If the show revisits the doomed soul of Josie Packard, must it keep the same early-90s CGI?

Or could Joan Chen instead play the much-discussed Judy?

Will Molly Shannon reprise her role as Judy the foster care lady?

Molly Shannon Twin Peaks

Can Catherine Martell please be having as much sex as ever?

Would Donna be back?

Would the show have to explain how Donna moved to Hollywood and that’s why she looks like this now?

I tried and failed to find out what James Marshall looks like now. And it’s neither here nor there, but hey, look what a baby-faced James Marshall looked like in a 1985 episode of Murder, She Wrote.

James Marshall Murder She Wrote

Can Annie Blackburn still have her radically 90s moussed-to-all-hell curls?

How weird will it be for people like me — who only experienced Twin Peaks’ original TV run through on-air promos for a show I wasn’t allowed to watch and who has only known the show as a canceled cult classic — to watch a brand-new episode?

I will update this the moment anything Twin Peaks-related crosses my mind. And forgive me, but I have devoted a lot of my mental energies in the past decade to Twin Peaks. This news put them into hyperdrive.

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