Monday, June 30, 2014

We Need to Talk About Kevin McCallister

On November 20, 1992, America got a second date with Kevin McCallister, a sly little scamp who thrilled audiences by wreaking sadistic violence upon home invasion robbers. Yes, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York is fraught with psychosexual suggestion, but that’s another blog post. This post concerns one example of the tie-in merchandise 20th Century Fox tried to throw at the people who loved the first Home Alone: the talking Kevin pull-string toy.

Home Alone 2 talking Kevin doll
“my name is kevin mccallister, and i wasn’t given articulated hands.”
Yikes indeed.

Even in my younger, dumber days, I thought pull-string toys were strange. I mean, I was a Teddy Ruxpin kid. He at least moved his mouth. A blind person could tell that these toys weren’t actually talking. (Blind child asks, “Why does he sound like his drunk? And in a cave? Underwater? Why can he only say a handful of things?”) But I was only given this because at the time the Home Alone moves were released, I looked enough like Macaulay Culkin that it had become a running joke in my family, and this little miniature me seemed like a way to capitalize on that… somehow.

Furthermore, I can only guess that this toy resulted from some Tiger toy exec running out of all other ideas and suggesting off-the-cuff a pull-string doll that spouts little Kevin’s many catchphrases from the movie. Of course, those catchphrases didn’t happen. Come on: Just try and remember his lines from Home Alone 2. You can’t. No, don’t lie. You can’t. (Let me have this.) Regardless, the Kevin doll does speak five lines that are apparently from the movie — six, if you count his trademark screaming, and the Tiger toy execs sure did. I’ve made it possible that I can share them with you now.


The catchprhases are, in order:

“You guys give up?”

“I’d rather kiss a toilet seat.”

“This is it. No turning back.”

“I’m down here, you morons,” even though it sounds like “I can’t hear you morons.”

[horrible demonic screaming]

“I’m up here! Come and get me!”

Like I said, they’re not exactly catchphrases. They’re just lines, really. Someone who hadn’t seen the movie might wonder why he’s constantly taunting people with his location, and even someone who had seen the movie might find “I’d rather kiss a toilet seat” strange, when it’s just randomly volunteered out of the context of a less desirable course of action. Like, “Oh, as a rule, you generally prefer kissing toilet seats? You’re one fucked-up kid, Kevin McCallister. No wonder your parents are trying to get rid of you.”

Home Alone 2 talking Kevin doll

He gives good face, though.

Other things I own for some reason:

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