Reassessing a Childhood Love for Gladiators

“Do you like movies about gladiators?” I laughed about this line without realizing that as a kid I fucking loved gladiators — anything from the whole sword-and-sandal genre, really, barbarians in particular. Conan, Red Sonja, more so Conan than Red Sonja, for reasons clearer now. The love extended to video games, too, and the Golden Axe games consumed a good share of my childhood hours. (Quarters, too, in some cases.) That’s defensible: They’re good games. Still, looking back on the box art, I feel other factors may be at play.

Please note, fore example, what’s taking the focus away from Tyris’s sideboob: speedo peen.

Armored speedo peen, no less, and now that I think about it, it’s very clear what our sword-swinging hero was mostly concerned with protecting based on the skin he’s showing.

And then there’s the box art for the Genesis sequel. The adult me can’t help but notice that someone put time and effort into suggesting a non-dwarf-sized package on the hero on the left.

The character’s name, in case you’re unfamiliar, is Gillius Thunderhead, and no, I’m not joking.

I’m just going to think about that for a bit.

Well, consciously process it, at least, for once, for a change. And remember:

Gay issues (more or less) in video games, previously:

• The surprising choice in Bahamut Lagoon
• Poor gay Tony in Earthbound
• Zelda’s bratty little ponce of a little brother
• Yeah, I am Mr. Gay. Are you?
• A (Sexy) to Everybody
• Your friendly neighborhood gay anthropomorphic dog
• Link submits