Thursday, September 6, 2012

28 Awesomely Insulting Words for Describing the Body Shapes of People You Don’t Like

Recently, the OED tweeted out a word that may prove helpful in the book you’re writing about that person you hate: napiform, “having the form, shape or appearance of a turnip.” It reminded me of a similarly specific word that you could use to describe someone’s shape in an unflattering manner: fabiform, “bean-shaped.”

Surely, there must be multitudes of words you could use to insult people’s appearance without them realizing, right?

Yes. Oh yes.
  • aciform, “needled-shaped” — I stepped back lest my torso suffer another attack by his accusing, aciform fingers.
  • campaniform, “bell-shaped” — “Had I only been born in the antebellum South,” Lois cried out, “my campaniform torso could work to my advantage for once!”
  • cancriform, “crab-shaped” — The more literate of the yoga instructors would mock her cancriform stance between classes.
  • corniform, “horn-shaped” — What the children mocked as being corniform tufts of hair turned out to be actual horns growing from Martin’s skull… but they’d realize this far too late.
  • cucumiform, “cucumber-shaped” — But you really had to search if you wanted to find the spot where Abigail was surprisingly, secretly cucumiform.
  • cymbiform, “boat-shaped” — Again, she reminded her husband that she’d prefer he not reference her giant boat feet as such but instead to speak of them as being cymbiform, as it sounded more melodious.
  • digitiform, “finger-shaped” — “But wait!” he protested, “Not only is it digitiform, but I can also grip a pencil with it, and that’s worth something!”
  • doliform, “barrel-shaped” — Ironically, his doliform body proved unable to float.
  • ensiform, “sword-shaped” — Plump, candy-stuck fingers but a surprisingly ensiform tongue.
  • galliform, “chicken-shaped” — One hoped that her feathered hat marked her decision to embrace her galliform features.
  • flabelliform, “fan-shaped” — He had no hands, merely pink flabelliform growths with which he pawed at world as it passed by.
  • gelatiniform, “gelatin-shaped” — Not only was she secretly gelatiniform inside her girdle, she was also full of orange slices and marshmallows.
  • ginglyform, “hinge-shaped” — Nothing about him could be said to be round or smooth; in fact, his every joint seemed to be as awkwardly ginglyform as his elbows.
  • hamiform, “hook-shaped” — One day, Edward was certain he’d meet a woman malformed enough to accept his hamiform gift.
  • hippocrepiform, “horseshoe-shaped” — As the salesclerk arrived with yet another set of pumps, he began to wonder if a hippcrepiform pairing might better suit her foot shape.
  • juliform, “millipede-shaped” — With hair winding around her neck in shining but sinisterly juliform curls
  • lachrymiform, “tear-shaped” — Melinda’s teardrop pendant only underscored her overall lachrymiform body.
  • medusiform, “jellyfish-shaped” — Vibrant, flowing fabric stretched over her undeniably wide frame, ultimately giving her a medusaform appearance when a floriform one was intended.
  • mummiform, “mummy-shaped” — Yet another pair of TOMS Shoes gave some unwitting do-gooder tragically mummiform feet.
  • oviform, “egg-shaped” — As a result of his oviform curse, my younger brother was unable to stop himself from rolling down the hill and into traffic.
  • scrotiform, “scrotum-shaped” — As the professor continued his lecture, I was hypnotized by the by the pendulous, scrotiform growth on his chin.
  • semipenniform, “halfway feather-shaped” — Despite her best efforts, the would-be Farrah could style her hair to look only semipenniform.
  • serpentiform, “snake-shaped” — He was, tragically, serpentiform in all the wrong places but unpleasingly squat in the one area that mattered.
  • squamiform, “scale-shaped” — Beneath his collar, we could spy squamiform dry patches that nicely matched his generally iguana-like appearance.
  • unguiform, “claw-shaped” — Nadine’s repeated trips to nail salon resulted in increasingly unguiform constructions that she secretly enjoyed.
  • ursiform, “bear-shaped” — The ursiform stripper had to work the hardest of all yet had little to show for her efforts.
  • vermiform, “worm-shaped” — A hawk-like woman and her conspicuously vermiform husband
  • vulviform, “vulva-shaped” — To the delight of all sitting behind her, the result of her painstakingly pinned, tucked and rolled hairdo was an obscenely vulviform structure.
And now that you’ve reached the end of the list, let me just say that I pity your enemies. Good luck on those memoirs!

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