Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I Really Want to Know

Though I doubt it will pick up the steam that the Twenty-Five Things craze did, the latest Facebook trend seems to be those “What X Are You?” quizzes, with “X” being a city, article of clothing, cocktail, breed of cat, sandwich spread, 80s-era X-Man, or brand of toothpaste that someone, somewhere has deemed to be representative of basic personality types. I want to program these quizzes. And I want them to punish, specifically through assigning every quiz-taker the worst possible evaluation, regardless of their answers.

Example: The “What State Would You Be?” would assign out Delaware with the only explanation being simply “Bland. Forgettable.”

Q: What Sea Animal Are You?
A: Longshoreman.

Q: What Color Are You?
A: Clear.

Q: What Body Part Are You?
A: Nail polish painted on nail-less pinky toe to make it look like it has a nail.

Q: What Language Are You?
A: Midwestern-accented English, slurred loudly.

Q: What Vegetable Are You?
A: An ornamental gourd — pimply, lacquered, inedible.

Q: What Kind of Lunchmeat Are You?
A: Lunchables slice. Discarded.

Q: What Beverage Are You?
A: Brackish water in a Dixie cup.

Q: What Famous Cartoon Character Are You?
A: You would be an unfamous cartoon character.

Q: What 70s Movie Are You?
A: Series of educational films. Released December 1979.

Q: What New York Restaurant Are You?
A: A soup kitchen in New York.

Q: What Book Are You?
A: Title unimportant. Is dropped in a puddle. No one cares.

Q: Which Ninja Turtles character Are You?
A: Irma Langinstein, homely co-worker to April O’Neil.

Q: What Spice Are You?
A: You are not a spice. You are flour.

Q: What Accessory Are You?
A: Polio brace.

Q: What TV Network Are You?
A: The DuMont Network.

Q: What Renaissance Painting Are You?
A: You are a postcard of the Louvre, purchased at Charles de Gaulle.

Q: What Musical Instrument Are You?
A: A garbage can, which technically was used as an instrument in Stomp.

Q: What SNL Cast Member Are You?
A: Laurie Metcalf.

Q: What Kind of Tree Are You?
A: Model tree on train set in sex offender’s basement.

Q: What Kind of House Are You?
A: Whore shanty.

Q: What Looney Tunes Character Are You?
A: You are the human who couldn’t get the frog to sing and dance when he wanted to.

Q: What Mode of Transportation Are You?
A: A two-by-four with rollerskates taped to the bottom by children who lack adult supervision and sufficient funds to purchase an actual skateboard.
Also, all the better if I can design the quiz to interrupt the taker halfway through with the message that it does not matter what he or she picks for the remaining questions because it’s already tabulated the answer.

I will not take on your Top Fives tonight.


  1. Anonymous8:48 AM

    Lol. Marry me.

  2. Anonymous8:55 AM

    When I was a kid, we made one of my neighbors be Irma when we played Ninja Turtles because we had a prettier girl be April. I feel so bad about that now.

  3. Anonymous9:20 AM

    wow. kids who tortured other kids in grade school feel guilt about it now? nice to know.

  4. since it's Poetry Month, this comment thread reminds me of this poem by Tom Lux:

    The Swimming Pool

    All around the apt. swimming pool

    the boys stare at the girls

    and the girls look everywhere but the opposite

    or down or up. It is

    as it was a thousand years ago: the fat

    boy has it hardest, he

    takes the sneers,

    prefers the winter so he can wear

    his heavy pants and sweater.

    Today, he’s here with the others.

    Better they are cruel to him in his presence

    than out. Of the five here now (three boys,

    two girls) one is fat, three cruel,

    and one, a girl, wavers to the side,

    all the world tearing at her.

    As yet she has no breasts

    (her friend does) and were it not

    for the forlorn fat boy whom she joins

    in taunting, she could not bear the terror,

    which is the terror

    of being him. Does it make her happy

    that she has no need, right now, of ingratiation,

    of acting fool to salve

    her loneliness? She doesn’t seem

    so happy. She is like

    the lower middle class, that fatal group

    handed crumbs so they can drop a few

    down lower to the poor, so they won’t kill

    the rich. All around

    the apt. swimming pool

    there is what’s everywhere: forsakenness

    and fear, a disdain for those beneath us

    rather than a rage

    against the ones above: the exploiters,

    the oblivious and unabashedly cruel.

  5. My favorite is the spice quiz. Though they're all glorious, that one made me laugh aloud. LA, if you will.

  6. Fabulous, Drewseph.
    Though, I must admit, my first reaction was: "Laurie Metcalf was on SNL?" Now I'm going to have to go look around wikipedia and end up stuck in one of those endless loops of link clicking.

  7. All: Thanks.

    George: Cool poem. I can't remember the last poem I read.

    Bri: Thanks, and yeah, Laurie Metcalf appeared in the 1980-81 season... for one episode. It was the season just after Jane Curtin and Garrett Morris and the rest of the original cast all left and when Eddie Murphy started. Laurie was a featured player, meaning she was what Casey Wilson and Michaela Watkins are now. As the result of writer's strike, Laurie only appeared in one episode during her debut season and then was not hired back. But hey, she did okay. Certainly better than Emily Prager, who also appeared in one episode only.

    As far as I know, the full-fledged cast member with the shortest-ever stint is Morwenna Banks, who I think replaced Janene Garofalo, but only lasted for four episodes.