This year, I selected the L.A. Art Book Fair. But when I left the event space, I carried with me not an expensive, limited-edition art book, but something more valuable: a lesson.
This reluctance to actually interact with the book-peddlers has prompted what you’re now about to read.
(Standing at a table at the book fair, Drew flips through one of the books on display.)Like I said earlier, I did leave the art book fair having learned a lesson: I may not be a Super Bowl Sunday person, but I’m also not an art book fair person. I haven’t figured out what this means yet, but I’m hoping there might exist a third group of people that I’d fit into, one that exists somewhere between the (apparent) poles of “Are you ready for some football?” and “No one ever told me to stop, so now I’m calling it art.” Either that or I just don’t deserve a group, which would be bad news, I suppose, but at least I know where I stand: far away from the art book fair.
Drew: I don’t understand this.
Glasses w/ Statement Hair: It’s a series of original, full-color Sunday Peanuts strips that ran between 1987 and 1992, reproduced with enormous genitals drawn on the characters. In case you need to know, 1992 was the year my psyche broke.
Drew: (pointing at one particular page) So what’s this then?
Glasses w/ Statement Hair: That’s a dick.
Drew: It looks like a tree.
Glasses w/ Statement Hair: It’s playing off the idea of Mother Nature, but maybe the mother is hermaphrodite?
Drew: Why did you give Lucy a dick when all the other female characters have vaginas?
Glasses w/ Statement Hair: (bobbing for no reason) I was tired and dicks take less long to draw.
Drew: Okay. I see its only twelve pages long. Why are you charging so much?
Glasses w/ Statement Hair: (pressing right ear to right shoulder for no reason) I’m a nonprofit.
Drew: How are you a nonprofit?
Glasses w/ Statement Hair: (stares over Drew’s shoulder without speaking)
Drew: I’m not going to buy this.
Glasses w/ Statement Hair: On the back cover I have poetry where I used Google Translate to put news stories about third world atrocities into to their native language and then back into English so that’s poetry now. I called it “Schroeder Pissing on Woodstock. You’re Woodstock.”
Drew: I can’t tell you how much that isn’t an incentive.
Glasses w/ Statement Hair: I also have a series of kids’ mazes. They’re unsolvable. And the whole stack of them come in a sealed mylar bag that if you open it ruins the value of the book. It comes with a pen that’s out of ink.
Drew: That’s not even a book.
Glasses w/ Statement Hair: No, it’s an art book. You’re at an art book fair. I’m raising the price because I don’t like you.
Drew: Okay, well, I’m leaving.
Glasses w/ Statement Hair: Okay, $179 and not a dollar less.
Drew: (runs toward the exit)