Sunday, February 17, 2013

I Swear to Betty Crocker

You know that thing where you’re reading Wikipedia and you start seeing some weird stuff and then you’re like “Oh, see, someone just screwed up the page as a joke and I saw it before the editors came and cleaned it up. Mary Todd Lincoln didn’t actually pepper her speech with the word bajingo.” Well, I wish I could say that this was the case for the Wikipedia page on Etta Candy, Wonder Woman’s best friend. It is not. Someone actually wrote all of it with the aim of dispensing accurate information.

Some highlights, lifted directly from Wikipedia:
Throughout her adventures with Wonder Woman she is known for her moxie, her love of candy, and for her trademark call “Woo! Woo!” — a catch-phrase derived, in part, from exclamations associated with comic actor Hugh Herbert.

Other familiar characteristics included her junky car nicknamed Esmerelda and a variety of sassy interjections, such as “For the love of chocolate!”

Her father, Hard Candy, and mother, Sugar Candy, lived on the Bar-L Ranch in Brazos County, Texas, which provided the setting for cowboy-themed adventures.

Holiday College was the setting for science-driven stories and it was at nearby Starvard (portmanteau of Stanford and Harvard), where her boyfriend, the gangly but very loving Oscar Sweetgulper, studied.

She was shown to be brave and even stormed a Nazi concentration camp armed with nothing but a box of candy to rescue captured children.

She was aware of her weight but never let it bother her.

[In DC’s Silver and Bronze ages,] she was still portrayed as insecure and weight-conscious, and although she no longer said “for the love of chocolate,” she was known to swear by Betty Crocker.

When Etta finally collapsed due to a lack of food in front of Wonder Woman while trying on wedding gowns, Diana advised her to take better care of herself and maintain a sensible diet. Since that time Etta has gained her original weight back.

She is now African American and depicted as young and ambitious.
It remains to be seen how black Etta Candy feels about her trademark lumpiness. I hope black Etta Candy’s family still owns the dude ranch. By the way, had that horrible David E. Kelley Wonder Woman TV show become a thing, the role of Etta would have been played by Tracie Thoms.

To conclude, here is one more depiction of Etta Candy. See if you can count how many things are wrong with it.

Conclusion: Wonder Woman is such a bitch.

Comic book characters, previously:

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