Leaden, Lenten

What you should have considered giving up for Lent:

• leather
• those medications you suspect you don’t actually need
• your dog
• that attitude of yours
• your natural musk
• using any bathroom that I might have occasion to use
• walking to emphasize the zoop zoop noise of your corduroy pants
• taking my pens
• always talking about how you're allergic to soy
• talking about me with everyone else the way I know you totally do even though I already explained how what happened in the kitchen was a misunderstanding