Did The Dick Van Dyke Show Make a Semen Joke?

Without even hearing my argument, most people remotely familiar with The Dick Van Dyke Show would answer, “No, of course not, because it’s The Dick Van Dyke Show,” but here I go anyway.

You see, I have this problem with media from before I was born — and before censorship standards on mainstream entertainment got more lax. Sometimes I’ll hear or see something that seems sexually suggestive. Part of me wants to say that this piece of media — a song or a TV show or a movie or whatever — comes from a more innocent time when risque was rare. The other part of me counters that, no, the people who made this thing had the same plumbing as we do today and therefore would have understood the implications.

And in this one instance, I can’t decide which seems more likely.

A little context before the clip: In the episode “The Ballad of the Betty Lou,” Rob and his best friend, Jerry Helper, decided to go halvsies on a sailboat. The idea immediately is vetoed by their wives, Laura and Millie, on grounds that it will tear their friendship apart, but the men proceed with the plan anyway, to Laura and Millie’s dismay. In this scene, Rob and Jerry are talking themselves into why this is a good idea. And during that conversation, the following exchange happens.

Jerry corrects Rob’s nautical terminology: “No, no, Rob. I’ll be the captain and you’ll be the seaman.” Cue laughter. And then Laura and Millie shoot each other a knowing look.

If you assume that The Dick Van Dyke Show was an exceedingly wholesome series that had Rob and Laura sleeping in twin beds, you could interpret the exchange fairly innocently. Laura and Millie’s reaction is simply them already seeing that they were right: Differences in opinion over the boat will ultimately cause a fight between their husbands, just like they predicted.

The person arguing for the more risque reading of the scene, however, would point out that Jerry simply correcting Rob is not very funny, even though there’s a laugh cue immediately after Jerry pronounces the word “seaman.” What about that line should get a laugh other than the fact that “seaman” is pronounced exactly like “semen”? And Millie and Laura don’t just roll their eyes, “Here we go again”-style. In fact, Laura arches her eyebrow.

If actors and comedy writers in 1963 functioned more or less like they do today, I have to think that everyone involved would have realized how close they were coming to making a big, goopy cum joke. (I mean, someone at some point had to make a joke about the show’s name.) But then again, I wonder why a censor didn’t object to the line, if only to avoid the possibility that any puritanical-minded viewer would think that filth was invading primetime TV… unless back then such a joke was so unheard of than no one would have read smut into it, reproductive plumbing notwithstanding.

I’d ask the guy credited with writing the episode, Martin Ragaway, but he died in 1989. What do you think?

And while you ponder that, perhaps also have a think about the time Elizabeth Montgomery was on Password and the secret word ended up being “vibrator.”

EDIT: And if you want to see the joke in the context of the whole episode, here you go. The line comes around the 2:30 mark.

Sally Takes a Bow

From the Dick Van Dyke Show episode “Stacey Petrie, Part 1”:

The imagined context:

“Hey listen, Rose Marie, I know you’re disappointed about Mary being the big female draw on the show and how all the chatter is about her being lovely and wifely and pretty and charming and then we made Sally a flat, dateless wonder. But we have a compromise for you: bows. We thought it would be a nice character touch for you — and Sally too, really — if you always wore bows on the show. And here you’ll be wearing a bow so big it will look like you were shrunk down to subhuman-size — like you some sort of living doll wearing human-scale accessories. People will be like, ‘Yeah, that Mary Tyler Moore is great, but what about the chick in the bow?’ That will be your thing. But just don’t go outside with the bow on, because we did a test run on the assistant wardrobe girl and holy cow! She just walked outside and the wind whipped her over the embankment and she looked like she was hurt pretty good. And maybe don’t wear the bow between takes because the bow-maker said it could permanently damage your vertebrae. Anyway, you’re going to enter the scene and everyone is going to be like, ‘Ew, look at Sally in her stupid bow. How old is she supposed to be really?’ But don’t take that personally, because it’s about the bow. Oh, and the wardrobe girl totally died. So maybe send some flowers. It was a pretty windy day, I guess.”

And it’s not the only time the Dick Van Dyke Show suffered from off-the-mark styling:

I... I don’t even know what that’s supposed to be up there.