Friday, March 27, 2015

How to Remove a Wasp’s Nest — the Drew Mackie Way!

(Inspired by actual events.)
  1. Head out to the garage. See that a wasp is building a nest in the door frame.
  2. Use the Lord’s name in vain.
  3. Stand there watching it, in hopes that it will reveal its secret weakness.
  4. Return inside. Google “how to remove a wasp nest.” Quickly tire of this.
  5. Emboldened by boredom, decide that you can swat it down. After all, you killed that fly on your own.
  6. Go to the utility closet and find the long-handled tool you least care about being infected with wasp evil. Decide on the Swiffer that came with the house, as you no longer have any Swiffer strips anyway.
  7. Return outside, Swiffer in hand, to find that the wasp is lying in wait for you. 
  8. Decide to simply take out the wasp.
  9. Swing. 
  10. Miss.
  11. Drop the Swiffer and run inside.
  12. Lock the door for some reason.
  13. Watch some TV, occasionally peering out the back door to see if the wasp is still mad.
  14. Have some wine, then turn in for the night.
  15. Head out to the garage in the morning, find the Swiffer lying in the dirt.
  16. “Goddammit, Glen, why is the Swiffer out here on the — oh, wait, never mind.”
  17. Not seeing the wasp, you decide to take another swipe at the nest. It falls to the ground without incident. Nothing appears to be inside. You think about that Calvin & Hobbes with the dead bird for a second.
  18. Note that there are other wasp nests along the garage overhang, just none others specifically near where you need to enter.
  19. Decide that the wasps can just have the garage in the same manner in which you ceded the toolshed to the spiders.
  20. Stay inside forever.

This, by the way, is the thematic sequel to my other instructional post, “How to Actually Fold a Fitted Sheet.”

The backyard beat, previously:

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