Friday, September 16, 2011

I Dropped My Wine Glass in the Toilet

(This post has no direct connection to the title. However, the title is accurate. I’d be lying if I said this didn’t happen. Think of it as less of a plot than a statement of theme.)

My apartment has flies. I can do nothing to stop the problem. Every day when I come home from work, I find at least three small, reddish flies buzzing about, often in the vicinity of the bathroom mirror so long as I haven’t left out anything like wine or vinegar. If I have left out wine or vinegar — even sealed bottles of these substances — the flies are instead clustered around the opening like tiny drunks. And if I leave out an open bottle of vinegar — because I wouldn’t leave out bottles of wine, of course — I have to throw it out, because the flies have dove into the vinegar and have drowned in it, turning the liquid into a combination slurry of vinegar and dissolving fly organs.

I know what you’re thinking (I CAN READ YOUR THOUGHTS!!!!): “Oh, this Drew Mackie keeps house in a dreadful fashion and is probably a clumsy thing!” But this is lies, because I actually keep a tidy house and am graceful like swans. There’s just no feasible way to keep the flies out, because the flies are small enough that they (apparently) wriggle though my window screens and I simply refuse to never open my window screens because while I am willing to live in a Fly House, I am unwilling to live in a Smells-Like-Armpit-Ass House, and I therefore have just accepted that the flies are part of my life now. Me and the rotating cast of flies — we’re like roommates now. We’re like a buddy comedy. We’re like fucking Bosom Buddies, except all the hijinks involve them depositing bacteria on my eyes while I’m asleep.

So my question is this: How much have I settled regarding my life as a 29-year-old adultish person?

Addendum: Okay, I’ll explain the post title. What happened was that I dropped the wine glass into the toilet. That’s not all that much extra, I realize. But to pretend that it didn’t happen would be like, I don’t know, saying I realized all the dreams I once had of what my life would be like around this age.

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