Thursday, January 15, 2009

Ralph, There's a Coyote on Your Head

Do you think Davy Crockett dresses effeminately? Do you think he has the right basic idea with his rustic mountain man look but blows the whole concept with that sissy raccoon cap? Do you look at Mr. Crockett’s headwear and wish that he could somehow fit more animal up there?

My friends, I have an answer to these problems you have with Mr. Crockett and, likely, several others as well: the Bridger Mountain Coyote Fur Hat, from the hardcore outdoor outfitter company Cabela’s.

Yes, you can prove you manliness to the world — and Mr. Crockett can too! — by purchasing some feral dog carcass for use as headwear.

You might think the Bridger Mountain Coyote Fur Hat — which is appearing on Back of the Cereal Box thanks to my introduction to it by Coworker Ben — was enough of a spectacle on its own, but the weirdness factor goes up to eleven when you read the user reviews of this product. I can only hope this is posted as a joke.

From AlextheEngineer, who gave it four stars out of five:
I have purchased a number of fur hats in my day but this is by far the warmest and most comfortable. Not only does it keep the back of my head warm but you can wrap the legs around your face to block the wind. The only reason this hat did not receive 5 stars is due to the fact that I was attacked by a bird thinking it was wounded prey while I was out for a walk. A rare but unfortunate occurrence when wearing an animal pelt on your head. Also great in the rain. Didn't smell at all after it was wet and it makes a great present. I'm getting one for my wife.
Which should make everyone think that Alex would be better off just getting Mrs. Alex another ironing board cover, especially because she must be a little miffed to hear him going on about the notion of wrapping legs around his face for additional warmth.

From AlantheBeastmaster, who gave it five stars and who, based on how he chose to format his user name, seems like he must be at least friends with AlextheEngineer if not in full-blown cahoots.
My close circle of friends decided I was the only one who could pull off wearing this hat. Boy were they right. Fantastic. Now that my wife and I live in Tennessee, it is gems like this that help us blend in and gain respect from the locals. If birds decide to attack my hat they have another thing coming. While I don't own many dead animal hats, I look forward to many days fishing with my wonderful coyote headpiece. The coyote was a marvelous animal and it is just incredibly warm around the back, neck, and sides of the face. This was the best gift of the year. 5 Stars for my new spirit guardian.
Funny how his guardian is an inanimate corpse resting on his head.

If these testimonies don’t convince you that the Bridger Mountain Coyote Fur Hat is what you need to survive the harsh winter months, then consider this: It can be yours at the low-low-LOW price of $199.99.


  1. I actually ashamed to admit this but my father owns one of these. He had his custom made though, he didn't buy it from Cabela's. I don't know if that makes things worse or better.

  2. In my book, the homemade version is so much better, in the worst possible way.

  3. Are these hats -- or the homemade ones -- fresh kill or are they taxiderm-ied? And do they make a Moose version for obese people/Sarah Palin types?

  4. Dear, Mr. Mackie. While I enjoyed this post most thoroughly, I was disappointed to find that it is the only contribution in your "Dead Things You Wear On Your Head" category. Please add more posts on this topic forthwith.

    Your Friend,
    The Internet

  5. Devon: Skinned and then de-gunked in the manner than happens to any animal that finds itself turned into clothes. A moose one, though impractical, would be amazing.

    Das: That is a problem. Off the top of my head, I could only think of one previous post that fit in this category. It has been retroactively tagged. Please click the above link and gaze upon its awesomeness. (FYI: It derived from talk of animal-based hats, which then took us to a hypothetical "sloth hat," which then was only small jump from what you see pictured.)