Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Apocalypse Postponed

The Doomsday Machine was successful in failing to bring about doom. Which is why you’re able to read this now.

In case you saw today’s Google logo re-styling and were confused, today marks the first successful launch of the Large Hadron Collider, known to some as the Big Black Hole Machine and to me specifically as the Large Hat Iron Collisioner.

Apparently, the first run went off without a hitch, if by “hitch” you mean existence being erased and time stopping. I wrote about such a turn of events only jokingly, but other people took this threat quite seriously, to the point that they were attempting to obtain an injunction against it being operated until its safety could be assured. Even worse, a girl in India allegedly killed herself after she watched news reports about the contraption because she feared being sucked into a black hole. (She ingested insecticide tablets. Have to wonder if that would have been an easier way out than being crushed into the same molecule as her family, her house, my house, Cindy Crawford, Bill Cosby, all giraffes and flightless birds, shoes, dust flakes, pancakes, picnic tables, and the few other things that exist.)

What I think actually happened, however, is that the Large Hadron Collider made a blackhole so large and fast-enveloping that we now exist on the other side of it — not dead at all but continuing life in a parallel dimension that has only that works pretty much like the old one but with one or two significant differences. What those are is anybody’s guess, and half the fun will be figuring them out. My guess: Cigarettes are now good for you and apples are poison.


  1. i think you're on to something.

    forms of government security that we're not even aware of might be outside your bedroom window.

    it's the only logical explanation.

    google is taking over the world anyway. i bet they really built that machine.

    until next time

  2. Hahaha! That entry was hilarious, minus the Indian girl committing suicide. That's crazy, it's so sad and so hard to believe...

  3. Nick: I've always said that the real black holes will be generated somehow by people Googling themselves too much. Oroburos, at least.

    Clay: Thanks. And, yes, that poor Indian girl's fate is sad but true.