Thursday, March 9, 2017

Hey! Help Me Write My Roommate’s IMDb Bio!

There are two things to know. Well, there are three if you didn’t know that I had a roommate. I do. His name is Glen, and he has lived in my spare bedroom for two years now. It’s like The Golden Girls, but we are both Dorothy. Needless to say, it is a platonic partnership. He’s really more of a boarder than anything. Once I paid him in pastries to paint my fence.

Here is a telling photo of what Glen is like.

Regarding the two other things that you need to know, the first thing is that Glen wrote words that are being turned into a movie. Yes, from stupid, lifeless words on a page to a glorious movie with acting and lights and everything. It’s quite magical. The second thing is that Glen’s IMDb page lacks a bio. Because I am a thoughtful and caring person, I have offered to fix this failure by supplying one that is both informative and exciting. This is where you come in. (Yay, you!) I’m not sure which bio is the most exciting and informative, so I want you to read all of them and tell me which one works best.

Here are the bios.

Until age 37, Glen resided in a cabin in the Shadow Hills area of Los Angeles with his identical twin, Ben, rarely communicating with the outside world. Following Ben’s still-unexplained death in 2015, however, Glen emerged with the script to his first feature in hand. Eager to pursue subsequent film efforts, Glen was recently cleared of charges in his brother’s death and is currently awaiting a civil suit filed by his many elderly aunts.

Glen resides in Reseda, California, where he lives with his wife Stefanny and children Mirabella and Miasofia. In addition to screenwriting, he runs a rescue for Christian dogs. One time he saw a blimp. Aged 42.

The inspiration for the movie The Ring, Glen has been writing and drawing since a young age. There have been no survivors so far.

Glen was once bitten by a dog whose owners repeatedly swore that “He never bites people” and “That is SO WEIRD.” Glen later died on a river boat.

Father to Step by Step actress Christine Lakin, Glen has been missing since 1994 and was last seen at a Tastee Freez in Barstow, California. The script for his first produced film was found in his storage unit in a steel case marked “secrets.” His hobbies include/included checkers and Tastee Freez. If you see Glen, please call the San Bernardino Sheriff’s Department (909) 387-3545.

Taller than you might expect. Of uncertain origin, possibly toxic.

One time, Glen came over to ride bikes and we rode out to the river and he said I SAW SOMETHING ONCE DO YOU WANT TO SEE??? and so we rode and rode and we went out to this spot by the river and there was this old tree and Glen said one time he was there and there was a dead homeless guy and Marcus dared him to touch the dead homeless guy but he got scared and ran home and anyway the dead homeless guy wasn’t there anymore. Do you think, like the police came and got him? (Hobbies include golf and Netflix.)

Glen is the son of a pioneer researcher in the field of rodent neurology. Glen is a regular human, however, and not the trans-neural equivalent of a human-squirrel homunculus. He was born of a flesh mother, like a regular human would have been, and participates in normal, typical human activities such as driving a car and wearing clothes. Glen’s hobbies include peanuts, walnuts and climbing. Is regular human. Is.

Glen, aged 44, lives in Sylmar, California, and doesn’t know anything about the hikers who went missing, so please don’t ask.

When did I come the closest to capturing Glen? Also how do you submit a bio to IMDb without the permission of the person the bio is about?

EDIT: It should be noted, I suppose, that this is not my first attempt to impose a stronger narrative on my roommate’s life.

I shall not stop. I shall never stop.

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