Thursday, September 26, 2013

An Open Letter to E.G. Daily

Dear Elizabeth,

Can I call you Elizabeth? “E.G.” sounds so formal in this context, like maybe you wrote The Outsiders or something. Anyway, I’m a fan — of Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure and The Powerpuff Girls, like a good nerd should be — and I was a surprised as anyone to hear that you’re now a contestant on The Voice.

Here, I found a clip in case you don’t know what I’m talking about, which would be weird.

As would the other aspiring singers on the show, I’m sure you could greatly benefit from The Voice’s multicultural panel of mentors (one blond Latina, one black supervillain, one guy to appeal to liberal white women, one guy to appeal to conservative white women). But I must object to your being on the show, not because you’re too famous to be in the running but because in 1987 you released a perfect song that no current singer — you or anyone else — can hope to top. Of course, I speak of “Mind Over Matter,” the “montage” song from the film Summer School.

Here, again, I found the video in case you don’t know what I’m talking about, though that would also be weird.

It’s essentially everyone’s favorite song, and every song released from 1987 on has been a failure in its own right and in comparison to “Mind Over Matter.” (Fact.) Allow me to enumerate the reasons why this song will never be beaten:
  1. Inspiring yet danceable.
  2. The best use of a singer’s natural rasp that I can think of.
  3. It’s literally the best montage song ever. You could play this over a smattering of scenes of characters doing anything — working out, building above-ground pool, trying on a series of increasingly extravagant hats, anything — and it would work There should be more montages in movies because of this song.
  4. Slant rhymes such as “Sometimes it feels like we’re losing altitude / But I have a winner’s attitude” bravely belted off as if they were actual rhymes.
  5. If you close your eyes, it actually sounds like Buttercup from Powerpuff Girls is singing the song.
  6. The hat you wear in the video.
  7. The fact that the video features the power cast of Mark Harmon, Kirstie Alley, Courtney Thorne Smith and Alotta Fagina from Austin Powers.
  8. Layered pro-education, anti-education message.
  9. The dog that eats the peanut butter around the 3:35 mark.
I think I’ve proven my point. As you said in your song, “we’ll never let dreams die young,” but then again the Summer School kids probably didn’t pass that test because you made them dance around the room instead of filling out the bubbles.

I thank you for your time. Also, how on earth did you pick Blake Shelton over Cee Lo?

Best wishes,
Drew Mackie

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