Forms of Telekinesis, in Declining Order of Awesomeness

Telekinesis — from the Greek tele-, meaning “far” or “at a distance,” and kinesis, “movement” — takes many forms, and science has proven that most humans can manipulate something psychically. Alas, most of us are given dominion over something too stupid to be useful, too stupid to even try to bother with. Here are the most common forms, best to worst. (You probably have one of the stupid ones.)

pyrokinesis (ability to manipulate fire with one’s mind)

erotokinesis (ability to manipulate lust)

cryokinesis (ability to manipulate ice)

geokinesis (ability to manipulate the earth)

arachnokinesis (ability to manipulate spiders)

phytokinesis (ability to manipulate plants)

peptokinesis (ability to manipulate digestion)

bovokinesis (ability to manipulate cows)

geronokinetsis (ability to manipulate the elderly)

coprokinesis (ability to manipulate shit — no, literally shit)

lekanokinesis (ability to manipulate dishware)

biblokinesis (ability to manipulate books)

rhinokinesis (ability to manipulate noses)

ulokinesis (ability to manipulate wool)

cosmetikinesis (ability to manipulate make-up)

xenokinesis (ability to manipulate foreigners, which is actually the most 

common because we all basically have it)

tyrokinesis (ability to manipulate cheese)

blepharokinesis (ability to manipulate eyelashes)

echinokinesis (ability to manipulate hedgehogs or sea urchins — 

not so cool, even for a twofer)

kakopygikinesis (ability to move someone’s ugly ass — 

no, wait this might actually be the most useful)

Not listed: hydrokinesis, as it is purely fictional.

How does one get a certain telekinetic power of another? It depends what kind of girl you mother was. How do you know which power you have? Ask your local oracle or any person of Greek descent. They know. Oh yes, they know.