Monday, December 10, 2012

Things I Did Not Purchase While in New Zealand

(A round-up.)


Bovil, because I presumed it tasted about as good as it sounds.


Ham-and-tongue-flavored spread, because not only would ham and non-animal-specified tongue make for a nasty flavor combination but also this isn’t even ham and tongue. This is just the flavor of ham and tongue. So what is the spread, exactly? That’s a great fucking question.


New Zealand’s weirdly personalized Coke, which encouraged me to drink with a bunch of people I don’t know. The biggest strike, however? No “Share a Coke with Drew.” Sure, there’s “Share a Coke with Meena” — Meena! — but not Drew.


“Come on, kids — don’t you want to eat Santa’s legs?”


No joke here. I just don’t understand the tagline. Is “See how it runs” supposed to underscore that the salt pours smoothly out of the container? Is that Cerebos table salt’s greatest virtue — pourability? And is the kid pouring salt on a frog?


“Come on, kids — suck on something gay!”


If I were an inanimate human-shaped object and not a real human, I’d look less self-satisfied.


Having visited New Zealand since childhood, I’m heartened to see that it’s developed a real national culture to rival that of the other colonies.


I suppose the existence of a New Zealand pig-hunting magazine called More-Pork is weird enough, but it gets even weirder when you consider that there’s a native New Zealand owl called the morepork. So it’s a pig-hunting magazine whose name is a pun on a native animal that is not a pig. Just baffling, really.


What I hope happened is that this dog belongs to the owner of the company, and this is the best picture they could get, because the owner has not realized that his beloved canine is a criminally insane monster who only wants to sink his teeth into soft child-meat. Because if that’s not the case, then it’s just unknowable how anyone would have okayed this photo for the box design.

I pray he does not haunt your dreams as he does mine.

16 comments:

  1. Like all children, I dreamed of killing Santa and feasting on his long and tender legs, but in my old age I came to believe this was no more than a childish fantasy. Little did I realize…

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    1. Point of fact: You wouldn't necessarily need to kill Santa to eat his legs. Just saying.

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  2. Isn't "Bovril" the name of one of the the Loris's in Scott Westerfeld's Leviathan series of books?

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    1. Although I don't know what that is, that sounds about right.

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  3. Bovril is actually quite nice. It's a soup concentrate, like OXO cubes or something, but some people like spreading it on toast, hence it being next to the Marmite. And the 'see how it runs' is a reference to pourability (sp?) - back in the day they didn't have decent anti-clumping agents for salt so if you kept a box of salt in a semi-humid environment for longer than a day or two it would harden into a solid block.

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    1. I'm actually find thinking it's tasty. I'm more objecting to the name than the actual product.

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  4. Ella is right. Bovril is a brand of products that makes soup concentrate as well as broath and consommé. It's sold here in Canada. As for cerebos, I can't say for the tagline, but the brand is sold in europe as well. It doesn't advertise the same, but they have the same child on the packaging and they produce a wide variety of salts and seasoning.

    http://www.actulogo.fr/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/cerebos_packshist.jpg

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    1. Well there you go. Why is the last word in that URL "packshist," I wonder.

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  5. Darren5:21 AM

    For what it's worth, I'll also say Bovril is better than you think (they sell it here in the UK). Years ago I did a short stint working in a hospital kitchen, and we had a fair number of patients who requested to have Bovril just before they went to bed. It prompted me to try it - if you make it as a drink, it's like a beefy broth.

    I like the personalised cokes - I think you should be able to have anything printed on the front. ("Brown shit" perhaps? Maybe that'd work for the Bovril too.)

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    1. "Brown shit" would apply to a whole variety of food products, honestly.

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  6. Moutain Dew did that. I think it ended up with a sub reddit where they got one named after Hitler.

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    1. That is the best thing I've ever heard.

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  7. Yeah, I never understood the salt slogan either. On the other hand, I finally understood the pun on Morton salt: "When it rains, it pours".

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    1. Wait, I'm not sure I understand. Is it just that Morton's doesn't clump when it's humid?

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  8. Self-satisfied seems to be the default expression in much of NZ, so it's only natural that their artificial faces would incorporate it as well.

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    1. They are awfully pleased with themselves, aren't they?

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