Hey, Drew — Why Don’t You Have a Dog Yet?

(What follows is an imaginary conversation that has happened in bits and pieces over the last few months but which is not based off any one interaction in particular.)

OMG YOU GOT A DOG?!

No, not yet.

Oh. But you’re getting a dog?

It’s in the process. I am dog-shopping, by which I mean that I’ve been going to some of the recommended dog rescues and seeing who’s there, seeing who might be a good match for me. It’s higher stakes than dating but lower stakes than adopting a baby, I’d wager.

But you’re taking FOREVER.

I guess? I’ve been working at home for more than a year now, and I wanted to make sure this was a lifestyle I could do longterm before I brought a dog into it. Also, I had to do quite a bit of work in my backyard to make sure that it was secure for a dog — that I’d minimized the changes that one might have escaped or met an angry raccoon or something. It’s there now, though, and I’ve tested it out with some dogs that I’ve watched for friends. None have gotten out or been skeletonized by raccoons. (Don’t tell my friends I used their dogs as test subjects, maybe.)

OMG you should get a dog because on social media you’re just like “dog dog dog dog dog.”

Yes, I know I post about dogs a lot. Dogs occupy a large piece of my mental real estate. This likely will not change once I get a dog, you should probably know.

Ugh, just get a dog already.

No. I feel like this is something I need to take slowly. If you’re dating someone and you feel like you’re not a good match, you and the other person can just decide not to see each other anymore. I’m not sure that would work with a dog, and having that breakup conversation with a dog would just be the most awkward thing. You’d be all, “Well, Fritz, I feel like this just isn’t working out between us. I think you need to pack your things and find another human.” And the dog would be like “[licks you hand],” and you’d be all “Fritz, please. I’ve made my decision.” And then you’d watch him walking out the front door, bindle stick in mouth, whereupon he’d return himself to the shelter. (I’m guessing.) However, I suppose if the dog broke up with me because he found a human he loves more — that is, had more fresh-cooked steaks on hand — then I’d respect his wishes, but I don’t foresee that happened, mostly because I have a lot of steaks in the freezer.

But, like, just get a dog.

No, stop it. I want to make sure I find a dog that I can make happy and who will make me happy. And once the dog gets here, he’s staying no matter what, so it’s especially important that this turns out to be a good dog-human relationship.

When I got my dog, I just walked in and Patches was like “bark bark bark” and I was all, “That’s my dog! I’ll take that one.” And now little Patches and I are, like, super tight.

Well, see, I’ve met Patches.

What do you mean?

Hey! Look at the time! I have a playdate with a prospective dog companion, so I’d better run.

Wait, what were you trying to say about Patches?

[runs away]

Oh, I love my dog Patches. Hey, Patches — where are you, girl? Patches? Patches?! Shit, has anyone seen Patches?

{FIN}

a dog i did not adopt despite off-the-charts levels of cute