Wednesday, August 20, 2014

How to Actually Fold a Fitted Sheet

1. Go to

2. Type in “how to fold a fitted sheet.”

3. Watch Jill Cooper demonstrate the process for you and, when you’re done, think to yourself, “Yeah, that doesn’t seem so hard.”

4. Stand up and hold the sheet lengthwise, with your hands in opposite corners, as if you’re putting on an abstract puppet show.

5. Tuck all the corners into each other like Jill says.

6. Notice how your folded sheet thing looks like shit — nothing like the origami flower that has bloomed in Jill Cooper’s hands.

7. Unfold the sheet and start over again from the top, figuring that this time you’ll catch whatever wrong move you made.

8. Get to the point where you look upon your tucked-in corner thing and see that it still looks like shit.

9. Wondering if you maybe missed a step, watch the video again.

10. Note when watching it this time how fucking smug Jill Cooper seems. And why does she have a Christmas wreath in the background? Didn’t she figure that people would be watching this year-round?

11. Try again. Fail.

12. Throw the partially folded sheet on the ground and yell “Fuck!” and then “Fuck my shit!”

13. “Why the fuck am I even trying to fold a fucking folded goddamn sheet? Who the hell cares? Who needs a fitted sheet anyway if it’s not already on the stupid bed? Is this what I thought I’d be doing when I was an adult living on my own — spending time trying to fold the sheet like that smug bitch Jill Cooper who thinks she’s so great? Not me. Not this cool adult.”

14. Leave the sheet on the ground. Go pour yourself a drink. Who cares if it’s only 2 p.m.? You’re your own boss.

15. Head out for the afternoon. Go buy an ice cream. Maybe look for a new pair of jeans. What, is Jill Fucking Cooper going to stop you? Is she going to ride her fucking sleigh out from Christmas Town, U.S.A., and tell you again that you’re not doing it right? Let her try.

16. Return home after misnavigating the bus route back to your neighborhood and take a nap. You did not find jeans.

17. Leave the sheet on the ground for at least a week.

18. Finally, when company comes, stuff it in a drawer. Location unimportant.

19. Later, when you need a fresh fitted sheet and are unable to find the old one, just head out to Bed Bath & Beyond and purchase a new, crisply folded one.

20. Maybe stop for ice cream.

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