Things Promised But Not Delivered by the Poster for the 1989 Film The Wizard

In the end, I learned a valuable lesson about advertising.

1. A world where all pre-teens wear shorts with long-sleeved, long-tailed shirts on top.
2. A Far-Off Place style adventure where three white children are stranded in a hostile environment with only a skateboard, a suitcase and winning smiles.
3. Something that actually might have made me smile, now that I think about it.
4. An adventure in which only Jenny Lewis thought to bring a change of clothes.
5. Video game characters magically coming to life, perhaps as a result of a desert heat-induced hallucination.
6. An inexplicably off-model Mario that’s approximately the size of a fighter jet.
7. And he can fly.
8. A fictional pop cultural landscape where the anonymous green cobra enjoys the same level of fame as with Mario.
9. Fred Savage using the Power Glove to face-punch bad guys he meets in the desert.
10. No appearance by Christian Slater whatsoever, because who would cast him in a movie of this era and then not put him on the poster?
11. A movie that takes place somewhere more interesting than Reno.
12. A young Jenny Lewis incurring an exit wound.
13. Maybe a story about a blind paraplegic, based on that pose.
14. More top billing roles for Fred Savage.
15. An actual wizard.