Wednesday, August 08, 2012

Possible Solutions to The Secret of Seagull Island

This movie exists:


I can say that much. But I will not research The Secret of Seagull Island beyond just verifying that it is, in fact, a thing, because I’ve decided that the VHS cover art is perfectly entertaining and that the actual plot of the film would pale by comparison. I’d much rather just imagine what this could be about.

Observe:

The Secret of Seagull Island (1963) is a classic B-thriller starring French actress Berthe Jean-Alphonse in her English language debut as Babette, an intrepid ornithologist who sails to the fabled Seagull Island in order to determine the cause of strange — and violent! — activity in the local seabirds. But when she discovers that the mystery has ties to her own dark past, she requires the help of her estranged sister Agathe (Jean-Alphonse plays both roles), who may have dark intentions of her own.

See, here’s another:

The Secret of Seagull Island (1974) is an underrated Italian erotic film starring singer-turned-actress Ermina Molinari, as Francy, a lonely lighthouse keeper whose lover, Gabbiano, will only meet with her by moonlight. When Francy learns that Gabbiano has been cursed by the sand dune witch (Molinari plays both roles) to take the form of seagull during the day, she proceeds to make love to every shorebird on the island in a misguided effort to break the spell.

Okay, another:

The Secret of Seagull Island (1969) is a previously banned British horror film starring Flick Dunsow in her final role before her timely suicide. Dunsow plays Imogene, a curator at the London Ornithological Museum who is sent by her plotting superior, Muriel (Lady Caroline Sturgeon, Dunsow’s stepmother at the time), to an island to fetch a rare seagull specimen. The island happens to be the ancestral home of Muriel’s family, and Imogene endures an endless onslaught of attacks from these grizzled, island-bound relatives as she seeks to right a wrong darker than viewers could imagine. (In flashbacks, young Muriel is played by Dunsow in a dual role.)

I could do this all day:

The Secret of Seagull Island (1980) is the avant-garde Swedish epic starring Kajsa HÃ¥kansdodder as Kaw, a girl raised by seagulls after a herring boat disaster left her stranded on an isolated island. Kaw’s tranquil life of scuttling about the shore and scavenging meat scraps from dead seals is changed forever when the island turns out to be Ireland, and a band of nuns pursue her in hopes of making her wear bloomers. (HÃ¥kansdodder plays all roles, including the seagulls.)

No, I really could do this all day.

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