Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Making Us Look Better by Comparison

Things I know about my downstairs neighbors:
  • They have a healthy sex life.
  • They have sex in the living room in such a manner that the sound channels up from their window and into various parts of my apartment.
  • She’s a talker during sex.
  • He, curiously, is a sneezer and is sometimes prone to burst of nasal activity sometimes five or six sneezes long.
  • I heard her once say “Don’t stop” during the sneezing.
  • They watch really intense movies
  • Just tonight, in fact, they are watching something that has screams and gun shots being played against some foreign-language lullaby-sounding song.
  • Another time the movie involved what I imagine to be a mother screaming about a dead child, then, curiously, what sounded like a car crash.
  • Sometimes they have sex during the movies and it is difficult to differentiate their moans from those of the characters in the intense movies they watch.
  • Don’t stop.
  • Don’t stop.
  • Yes. Like that.
  • I’m gonna fucking blow your head off.
  • My baby! My baby!
  • Don’t stop.
  • Ah-choo.
  • Despite the fact that they drive reasonably nice cars, they have “no money,” if I’m to believe the telephone conversations I hear.
  • They have various money accounts.
  • All of them have “no money.”
  • No money in this account.
  • No money in that account.
  • Seriously, dude, I got no money. I’m fucking broke. You can come see the paperwork if you want.
  • Also, if you don’t want the responsibility, come over and take your name off the account.
  • Oh, so you don’t want to take your name off the account, but you don’t want any of the responsibility. Why don’t you call your dad and tell him that.
  • They’re willing to go to court.
  • They have a son.
  • He is a bit of a tattletale and the dad doesn’t like that.
  • If it’s not your business, stay out of it.
  • If people here you talking about other people, what do you think they’re going to do to you?
  • That’s right — they’re going to tell everyone else what a bad person you are.
  • Is that what you want?
  • Seriously no money.
  • She looks like she might have recently started having a hard life.
  • He looks like a primary factor in those problems.
  • If you’re not going to come over here and see the proof, you have to take my word for it.
  • Fine, don’t sign it.
  • She wishes they had more money to do nice thing.
  • Like move.
  • Allegedly, she’s pissing all the money away.
  • Don’t stop.
  • Yes.
  • Yes.
  • Yes.
  • I don’t know which wire to cut.
  • No money in this account. No money in that account.
  • If it smells bad then don’t eat it.
  • Yes, it’s clean.
  • I just cleaned it.
  • Ah-choo. Ah-choo. Ah-choo.
  • She talks to her sister about being “not not happy.”
  • If I’m to believe what I hear, various members of the family “need to grow up.”
  • Who is that?! Who is that?!
  • It’s the killer! He’s behind you!
  • Don’t stop.
The moral: even a healthy sex life won’t cure all your problems.

3 comments:

  1. Very creative. I feel like I know them so well annd yet I don't know them at all.

    ReplyDelete
  2. McSweeneys! Sent it now!

    ReplyDelete
  3. brilliant. it's fucking poetry. funny poetry.

    ReplyDelete