Suggestive Elephant

This magazine cover bother me on a fundamental level, but whenever I think I have identified the single most off-putting quality, my attention shifts to something else — the elephant’s weirdly upright trunk? Hemingway’s skin creases? the blaring red? the upside-down mailing label? the name “Jeton Crosby Jr.”? the name “Bridey Murphy”? the remarkably casual reaction to impending pachyderm stumpage? the juxtaposition of the erect trunk and the elephant’s mouth, given what an elephant mouth looks like? — and I’m left with only the general sense that I don’t like this image and yet still want to look at it.

For the record, the story of Bridey Murphy is fairly interesting.

Dong Dong! The Dong Is Dong

I’d been tasked with finding something snappy and blogable on Tuesday night, perhaps something election-related. Low on energy and ideas, I thought about how Christine O’Donnell had been shut down and jumped to the same association that a thousand other bloggers probably made: “Ding Dong! The Witch Is Dead!” from Wizard of Oz. MGM’s legal team being as fierce as you might expect, no YouTube clips of the movie’s version of the number were easily found. So I figured I’d settle. Then I found the brainmelt.

Reaction to the Del Rubio Triplets’ performance of “Ding Dong! The Witch Is Dead”: First my eyes bugged out of my head like a boy cartoon seeing an attractive female counterpart cartoon. Then they melted down my face. Then the rest of my soft tissue melted through the nearest face-hole. Finally: “Did she just say ‘I’m such a mean old jew’?”

I should also note that the results I got for some kind of official “Ding Dong! The Witch Is Dead” still turned up more appropriate content than my original search, “Dong Dong! The Witch Is Dead!”

I should also note that the Del Rubio Triplets once made a guest appearance on Full House as REM (Renee, Eleanor and Martha) and covered “Whip It.”

They were also on Golden Girls. They played “Neutron Dance.”

Um. They were also on Married With Children.

Not to pull another sitcom into this, but don’t they look like three Jerry Seinfeld’s moms? This all is kind of too much to deal with. But I can’t stop. Because it’s been that kind of day -- that’s why.

The Match Game School Riot of 1977

Via a blog that linked to me, I found one of the best things I’ve seen in a while: a clip from the Gene Rayburn-era Match Game in which both the audience and the celebrity panelists revolt against the off-camera judge. It’s kind of awesome.

Basically, the judge decides that school and scuba school are close enough to count for a point, but school and finishing school aren’t. The audience boos, the celebs start acting up, the audience gets louder, and there’s this back-and-forth with the judge that you don’t ever see on, for example, Jeopardy!. Eventually, they cut to commercial. We don’t see what happens after, but I assume the audience went mad and literally tore their seats from the floor in an attempt to find something to attack the judge with.

My original Match Game post, by the way, makes use of the term “mouth whoopie.” Just saying.

The Thoughts of a Too-Intelligent Dog Wearing a Halloween Costume

Why am I being punished? What did I do?

I am uncomfortable. It… feels so strange to walk in this thing. Am I being shame-paraded?

The children I see are being punished in the same way I am. They must have done whatever I did.

But if I’m being punished, why is everyone so happy to see me? Are they pleased that I got in trouble?

It must have been when I saw the squirrel through the window and barked and barked and they told me to be quiet and to get off the couch. That must be it.

Did the children bark at squirrels too? I wouldn’t put it past them...

But the children are getting children-treats and I’m not getting me-treats.

Do they know I’ve been peeing in the corner of the garage? I’ll bet they knew the whole time.

… Did they cover me up in this thing because I’m ugly?

Why am I being punished?

Monster Mashing

The problem with posting on holidays is that I always feel compelled to put up something festive, inasmuch as I can be festive. (I try. Lord, how I try.) After searching for some old, Greek-derived word that means something like “great pumpkin” or “vampire fangs” or “slutty nurse,” I eventually found one that meets the requirement for Halloween but, in doing so, is awful. But it’s not me-awful. It’s etymology-awful. So go blame etymology.

teratogenesis (ter-ə-tə-JEN-ə-səs) — noun: the development of congenital malformations.

Why this? Etymologically speaking, the word means something like “the origin of monsters.” Yep — the technical, scientific term for deformity means “monster.” Our predecessors were not polite.

Technically, the term can also mean simply “marvel,” and even in English that relationship still exists. Our word monster comes from the Latin monere, “to warn” or “to advise,” which is related to monstrare, related to the English demonstrate and meaning “to point out” or “to show.” In both uses, there’s the sense of a thing being seen, which I guess would be a vital component in the process of labeling a thing a monster. I guess you’d have to see something before you could declare it a monster, right?

Teratogenesis, however, comes from the Greek root teras, also meaning “monster.” Aside from teratology (which could be interpreted to refer to either mythological beasts or biological ones), most of the English derivations of teras refer to the unfortunate, human kind of remarkables. We have teratogen (something that causes birth defects), teratoid (something exhibiting abnormal development), teratoma (a tumor frequenting the genitals) and even teratophilia (sexual attraction to monstrous or deformed people). In light of this legacy of what really amounts to defamation, let me salute our differently-shaped brethren, apologize for the technical term (and, I guess, this post) and finally wish readers of all shapes (standard and non-) a happy Halloween. 

Previous strange and wonderful words:

• adulterine, ageusia, ambeer, anosmia
• barrack, bissextile, bloofer, breastsummer
• catholicon, cecaelia, couvade, cranberry morpheme, crwth, cummingtonite
• deasil, decussate, deuteragonist, dingle
• eidolon, epeolatry, epopt, espalier, etui
• fabiform, fissilingual, Föhnkrankheit, folderol, froward
• gallinipper, grandgore, grue, guilloche, gyaru
• hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia, hogo, honorificabilitudinitatibus
• ignivomous, isabelline, itaiitai
• jabroni, jamais vu, jehu, jumentous
• kaffir, kakopygian, knipperdollin
• leman, lemniscate, limnovore, linsey-woolsey, longicorn
• malacia, malison, milt, mongo, morepork
• narrenfreiheit, nef, nihilartikel, nobiliary particle, nosism
• ogonek, ombré, ooglification, orchidectomy, ordured, orf
• pace, pareidolia, pavonated, petrichor, pismire, pong, puggle, pulveratricious, purse
• quacksalver, quagga, qualtagh, quidnunc
• ronion, roynish, rubirosa
• salmagundi, scrutator, seneschal, shebang, sinople, stevedore, suovetaurilia
• tergiversate, thagomizer, thon, tiffin, tittery-whoppet, tmesis, toby, tyro
• ucalegon, ultramontane
• veneficial, verdigris, vespertilionine, vinegeroon
• williwaw, witzelsucht, wooper looper
• xenodocheionology, xyster
• yazoo, ypsiliform, yoink
• zanjero, zenzizenzizenzic, zinnober, zugzwang

The Two Googie Renés

Last week’s Saturday Night Live brought back a sketch that I don’t think ran on the show since Anna Faris hosted in 2008: Googie René, who sells awful discount goods. In the most recent appearance, he tries to sell stained, shit-smelling or otherwise befouled Halloween costumes.

Here’s the sketch:

And here’s the best part: the end shot, showing the store’s location.

Oh no! You probably wouldn’t want to shop there at all! But anyway the sketch was in my head this week, so I was surprised when I saw this on one of the blogs I follow:

I was also surprised that this photo made it onto the cover despite everything the woman in blue dress is doing. But more important than that: the exact same name. What the hell? The real Googie René — son of rocker Leon René — was actually kind of famous in his own right as a musician. So why would the Kenan Thompson character have the same name? I can’t think of any reason better than “Googie” being a funny name.

The Festive Threat

Halloween is probably the only time of year during which you can arrive home and find a bloody knife on your doorstep and think “Yay! Fun times!” and not “Wow, I guess someone has it out for me.”

And yes, a decorative bloody knife is still a bloody knife by several standards.