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Showing posts with label who wore it better. Show all posts
Showing posts with label who wore it better. Show all posts

Thursday, June 18, 2015

With “It” Being Heavy-Lidded Eyes Without Visible Pupils

Yesterday Madonna debuted the music video for her new single, “Bitch I’m Madonna.” The clip has a host of famous types — A- through C-listers — showing up for split-second cameos in which they lip synch the song’s title, which would be very confusing if this were the first Madoonna video you’d ever seen and you weren’t sure who she was. People have feelings about it. I’m not sure I do aside from the fact that the video features a chorus of sock puppets, and I think that undercuts the arguments of anyone claiming that Madonna’s trying too hard to look cool and edgy, because sock puppets — because sock puppets.


I had to write about it for work, which means I had to watch it, which means that I had to find a Tidal login, because Madonna only officially released the clip on Tidal because she’s trying to make the digital musical equivalent of fetch happen. However, I will say this much for the video: It has made me realize that with the right freeze-frame, with the right make-up and the right hair, Rita Ora can bear a remarkable resemblance to Janice from The Muppets


This is all I have for now. In closing, because sock puppets — because sock puppets forever.

Who Wore It Better? — previously:

Sunday, March 22, 2015

With “It” Being Hilariously Outdated Streetwalker Garb

This week, I had to watch Pretty Woman. I realize that I grew up in a generation of kids who watched this movie willingly and repeatedly, but I wasn’t allowed to, I’m guessing because my parents wanted to leave explanations about prostitution to the Bible. As a result of not having grown up with it, I kind of hate Pretty Woman. I think if you see it when you’re a kid, you just accept it as good. If you see it as a grown-up who has the slightest inkling about what a prostitute’s life might be like, you can’t get past its phoniness. In fact, the only part about Pretty Woman I really enjoy is Laura San Giacomo, and that probably puts me in a super-minority.

In watching it in order to write even the dinkiest listicle about it, I realized that my fashion vocabulary completely failed me regarding Julia Roberts’ first costume in the film. You know the one: the most streetwalkery, the least hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold. It’s hooker with an aluminum spleen at best. But while I didn’t know how to describe it beyond “What the fuck is she supposed to be wearing?” and thereabouts, I could liken it to another pop cultural woman of the night.


In the original Final Fight, you encounter a female enemy, Poison, who’d later go on to become playable in the Street Fighter games. She’s never stated to be a prostitute, but she is a streetwalker in the literal sense: She trots up to you as you scroll down the street and attempts to kick your ass, just like every male enemy does. Poison lacks Vivian’s thigh-highs and the smoking jacket, but the two characters are baring similar amounts of skin beneath their tank tops. And then there’s that hat. The Pretty Woman hat is either a pageboy cap or a Greek fishing hat, according to my panel of experts. And while most probably assume Poison is wearing a cop hat, reappropriated punk-style, I think it’s actually a Greek fishing hat.

Were Greek fishing hats in style for a certain class of woman in the early 90s? I have no idea. Was the Pretty Woman outfit representative of something a prostitute would have actually worn? Or would she have looked odd and out-of-place even in the skantastic fashion netherworld that was Hollywood Boulevard in 1990? Again, not having been in the market for prostitutes when I was seven, I can’t say.

And in case you’re thinking that Poison’s outfit might have been a tip of the hat — that is, the 90s prostitute hat — to the most famous hooker of the era, it’s not. Pretty Woman hit theaters on March 23, 1990, and FInal Fight first hit arcades in December 1989. Poison technically debuted first, so the two designs probably originated separately, though I’d be interested to know if they were both inspired by a real-life look, hookery or not.

Who Wore It Better? — previously:

Friday, November 15, 2013

With “It” Being a Lusty, Snaggletoothed Trashmouth

And then I realized that Amy Sedaris as Hurshe Heartshe on The Heart, She Holler looks more or less like a real-life, human version of Lil from Squidbillies, sloppy lines and all. I can’t tell if it’s a result of Adult Swim cross-promotion or just that there’s a certain aesthetic for that sloppy truckstop waitress who clearly puts a great deal of effort into looking like a slopcrundle.


Points for Lil, however: the Hedwig-esque hairdo.

Who Wore It Better? — previously:

Sunday, November 10, 2013

With “It” Being Eyes That Have Seen It All

Should Bjork ever locate the mythical Ice Crystals of Jólasveinn and achieve full use of her snow elf powers, she’d surely master the art of shapeshifting. And were she to transform into an animal that conveyed her full Bjorkiness, that animal would surely be the gerenuk, the African gazelle known for standing on its hind legs and appearing magical. Why, you may ask, would the single most famous Icelander become a animal that inhabits the dry scrub of East Africa? Because of this:


The smirk. The dark eyes. The glint suggesting that both are actually trickster spirits masquerading as earth creatures. Actually, I’m not sure that gerenuk isn’t already Bjork in disguise.

By the way, if you haven’t heard the album Bjork recorded when she was eleven years old, you’re missing out. A sample:


Who Wore It Better? — previously:

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

With “It” Being a Winning, Hamstery Grin

A cool Google trick: Did you know that if you image search the phrase “little critter,” you get a bunch of weird drawings of Lena Dunham? It’s true! Try for yourself. I’ve lined up a few side-by-sides for you. See?






This all came about when my coworker directed me to Tumblr for this post, which posited that Lena Dunham looks like Christina Applegate’s stoner brother from Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead. She kind of does:


At the time I thought the resemblance was strong enough to reblog it, but then someone who follows me on Tumblr tweeted at me — and yes, I realize how funny this sentence will sound in twenty years, but this is really how we used the internet in 2013, children of tomorrow — and she pointed out how Lena Dunham actually looks more like Little Critter. She was right. Oh, how she was right.

Until today, I didn’t know what Little Critter’s name was and couldn’t have located it on Google, since “overalls-wearing porcupine-guinea pig thing that learns lessons” isn’t an effective search term. They used to sell the Little Critter books at the carwash my parents used. I never bought them, but I know they attracted the same kind of people who liked that weird Suzy’s Zoo universe of clothes-wearing farm animals that seemed to be everywhere despite not being, like, attached to a syndicated cartoon. Once in elementary school, a girl who sat next to me explained the whole universe of Pekkle, and I think that was the first time I had the reaction, “I know I’m weird and nerdy, but you have it so much rougher than I do.”

In closing, if Lena Dunham reads this, I would like to think she’d make this face:


Which she can probably do pretty well. And just saying, but if she wants to don some overalls and put a frog on her head this Halloween, I’ll say, “Hey, she dressed up like that woodchuck thing I learned about! What was its name? ‘Litter Clittle’?”

Who Wore It Better?, previously:

Friday, June 22, 2012

With “It” Being a Set of Dead Doll Eyes

Generally speaking, I would agree that Kim Kardashian should be mentioned less. However, when I’m reading an old Tezuka comic and a come across an evil, soulless sex robot with a vacant expression framed by a wall of dark hair, I think that warrants a mention.


It must be the eyes that give me a Kardashian vibe — that blank expression that says both “Whatever, do me, I guess” and “I’m unacquainted with this love you speak of.” Not that I’m saying Kim Kardashian is a robot. No, I’d guess she sucks too much at math to be a robot.

Who Wore It Better?, previously:

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

With “It” Being an Octopus Hat

I have exactly two posts on this blog featuring the label “what I think happened” — the one from Monday about the secretary posing with the opium in the candy box and then one from last October with the girl trying to do her best Mila Kunis from beneath a crocheted octopus hoodie. And it’s kind of weird that just two days after the candy box post, I get to refer to the other of the two posts. See, this new Fiona Apple video came out and lord-oh-God WHY IS WEARING AN OCTOPUS HAT?!

Who cares why, really? It gave me an opportunity to make this little side-by-side.


And while I hate to be a member of the faction saying “Boo, Fiona Apple, you demonstrated realistic aging since 1997 and now you no longer look like a teenager,” I have to say that Mila Poonis over on the right might look better with a cephalopod affixed to her noggin.

All that aside, I would just like to say that I’m really excited about the idea of more people wearing octopuses.

Who Wore It Better?, previously:

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

With “It” Being the Look of a Woman Who Knows Something

I’m kind of surprised it doesn’t come up more often, especially with the tendency for pop culture put everything in terms of “X is the new Y,” but doesn’t Nicki Minaj look a hell of a lot like Chaka Khan?

Nicki Minaj looks like Chaka Khan

No little joke here. I just think these two are one wig swap away from looking like sisters. I’ve noticed this before watching video footage of Minaj. I’d see a flash of Chaka Khan in there, just for a second. But in this side-by-side in particular, I think the resemblance is pretty dead-on.

Who Wore It Better?, previously:

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

With “It” Being the Blackest of Hearts

As DC universe superheroes and their associates go, Jean Loring never figured too largely into the the overarching plot. Jean was the Lois Lane to the Atom, a B-level Justice League member who, using a comic book interpretation of science — that is, magic, more or less — harnessed the power of white dwarf star to shrink down to teeny-tiny proportions. Jean, one of those lady lawyers, happily Lois Laned from her introduction in 1961 up until the 2004 series Identity Crisis, during which she attempted a reunion with the estranged Atom through a most unconventional means. In short, Jean had the bright idea to endanger the loved one of another superhero in an effort to drive all the masks and capes back to their Gotham City manors and Metropolis apartments and the distressed civilians who await them there. In long (and in horrific detail), Jean borrowed the Atom’s superpower, shrunk down and entered the brain of Sue Dibny — herself the Lois Lane to another DC universe B-lister, Elongated Man. Once inside Sue’s squishy gray mass, Jean triggered a stroke. When Sue died, Jean panicked and took a flamethrower to Sue’s body. Ultimately, her wrongdoing came to light, and Jean was carted away to Arkham Asylum, where she resided among the many brain-fried, criminally insane freaks who constitute Batman’s gallery of rogues… until she became possessed by the all-powerful supernatural entity Eclipso.

Oh, and it turned out that at the time of her murder, Sue Dibny was pregnant.

All that said, I feel it’s worth pointing out that this poor woman — this damsel-turned embodiment of evil — looks like a certain someone.


Also, it’s worth noting that if she thought she’d stand to benefit from doing so, Kris Jenner would totally take a flamethrower to a corpse.

Who Wore It Better?, previously:

Thursday, February 2, 2012

WIth “It” Being an Appealingly Possum-Like Expression Conveying a History of Being Socially Downtrodden

I knew I liked Edith best of all the Crawley girls. Countess Cora sold Edith short when she said that she had been less blessed than her sisters, because she didn’t account for the striking resemblance to George Michael Bluth.


If the Hollywood machine can now start rolling its gears towards a Michael Cera-Laura Carmichael meet-up, we TV snobs can begin vacillating between been really stoked and really creeped out. Also: Lucille Bluth versus the Dowager Countess. Make it happen, someone.

Monday, January 30, 2012

With “It” Being a Very David Lynchy Sense of Hollywood Tragedy

So there’s a singer named Lana Del Rey. Perhaps you’ve heard of her?

In the interest of full disclosure, I didn’t put this one together until Spencer alerted me to a particularly insightful comment on a Del Rey-centric Gawker post. But yeah — now that you mention it, she’s like a character who spiraled straight out of Mulholland Drive, hobbled onstage and started singing a little dirge ditty.


Consider this her name: Lana Del Rey, with the first name presumably intending to evoke the old Hollywood glamour of Lana Turner and the two-part last name skewing very Los Angeles — the Del Rey neighborhood of Culver City or Marina del Rey or Playa del Rey over on the far west side. That’s Lynchy in itself, if you think about his Los Angeles-focused Mulholland Drive period, but it’s also a trick he’s tried before: the FBI agent that Chris Isaak plays in Fire Walk With Me is Chet Desmond — half jazz musician Chet Baker and half Sunset Boulevard character Norma Desmond. (And that’s all ignoring those Hollywood stand-ins for Los Angeles, Chinatown’s Hollis and Evelyn Mulwray.)

In one sense, you could view Lana Del Rey as a Camilla Rhodes figure — the blonde on the top left, the girl whose dreams of show business success come true for no good reason. Like the character in Mulholland Drive, it has simply been deemed that “this is the girl,” without any real explanation. She’s selected by the powers that be to be the one basking in the spotlight instead of anyone else who might be more deserving of the attention. But on the other hand, there’s also a sense that Lana Del Rey is a version of Mulholland Drive’s Rebekah Del Rio — the woman on the bottom with the painted-on tears, the singer whose entire persona is an illusion. Think about it this way: In the Club Silencio scene in Mulholland Drive, Betty and Rita watch Rebekah sing on stage, and they’re incredibly moved by the performance. Before she can finishing singing her Spanish-language take on “Crying,” however, she falls to the ground, as if dead. The song continues anyway. Her whole thing — her presence on stage, her schtick as a singer, her song itself — doesn’t really need her. She’s just one part of an elaborate show. In my head, anyway, this works because her performance on Saturday Night Live revealed that the physical existence of Lana Del Rey, live and in person, pales in comparison to the reputation that precedes her. Watching her fumble through “Video Games” on SNL was sort of like watching her slump over dead on live TV, only we all knew that the song would keep playing no matter how lifeless she seemed.

Aside from all that, the lighting alone in this one shot I’ve found would totally make David Lynch smile. And, of course, if it turned out that Lana Del Rey were both Camilla Rhodes and Rebekeh Del Rio at the same time? That would make David Lynch even happier.

David Lynch, previously:

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

With “It” Being a Particularly Feline Expression of Disgust

First the image…


And then the addendum that I do actually believe that Bravo fury Tabatha Coffey was actually born into this world as a white-haired cat that bore a constant expression of condescension for having to tolerate other living beings' existence. She willed her feline body to grow human parts specifically so she could yell at people and make them quake with fear.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

With “It” Being Square Jaws and Square Personalities

In the past year, two of my favorite shows have benefited from the addition of nerds: Parks and Receation, which got Adam Scott’s Ben, and Fringe, which got Seth Gabel’s Lincoln Lee. Now, I realize that given these two shows’ decidedly terrible ratings, it would be a fairly small number of people who would be familiar with both characters. Trust me — they’re both awkward, stick-to-the-rules types that register in the TV world as uncool, kind of like how Rachael Lee Cook plus glasses equaled an untouchable mutant so many years ago. But even in spite of the character similarities, don’t these two look a hell of a lot alike?


I can tell them apart, of course, but I’m putting this out there to see if anyone else has noticed how these two actors — especially in character on their current, respective TV gigs — have a similar thing going on, to the point that when I see Gabel (the one with whom I am less familiar) on Fringe, my immediate reaction is always “Yep, he still reminds me of Adam Scott.” Anyone?

Thursday, August 25, 2011

With “It” Being a Horn-Like Skull Crest

A departure in my little “Who Wore It Better?” series:


It’s a departure because with all the previous comparisons, the celebrities involved had little idea they would look like She-Hulk or Grimace or whatever. But I’d bet good money Grace Jones donned her little cassowary costume knowing full well how it made her look — and she may have even chosen the cassowary because it’s the only member of the animal kingdom as strangely beautiful and as violently deadly as she is.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

With “It” Being a Pillbox-Style Hat (or Reasonable Substitute)

I had to. I just had to. A coincidence like this doesn’t just happen in nature and not expect you to take notice, you know what I mean?

Sunday, June 26, 2011

With “It” Referring to a Caricature of Female Sexuality

Nicole “Coco” Austin or the Venus of Willendorf: Who wore it better?


Though I suppose if there was to be a real life equivalent of the Venus of Willendorf, it follows that she’d be married to Ice-T.