Upon Viewing Fire Walk With Me

Dear president of New Line Cinema,

I am writing to inform you of some errors in one of your films.

Recently, I finished my DVD boxed set of the ABC television series Twin Peaks. Upon hearing of the existence of a sequel film, I immediately set out to purchase it, for the last episode of the show left me rather unsettled. (I’m sure you hear this all time. I shan’t go into it.) But after obtaining and viewing your 1992 film Fire Walk With Me, I must say that I believe the copy of the film to be defective. I would like reimbursement and/or a proper version of the film, please.

So as to facilitate understanding of my problems, I have numbered my complaints.

One: While the film itself seems overlong, I believe certain scenes to have been omitted from my copy — namely, all the ones with Sheriff Truman, Josie, Audrey, Lucy, Andy, Hank, Norma and, to a lesser extent, Nadine. Surely, the scenes addressing these characters exist on some “correct” printing of the film, yes?

Two: Given the cliffhanger ending of the series finale, I assume there must exist at least an hour of additional footage explaining the events happening after Agent Cooper’s escape from the Black Lodge. My neighbor — Mrs. De Guzman, with whom I watched the series and film — says that she thinks this is not the case, but I say Mrs. De Guzman is crazy and not to be trusted. (For example, she attends a church that has a lady priest!) I maintain that no follow-up film to a series that left so much explained could have been released in theaters without addressing any of those lingering questions.

Three: I am convinced that my copy of Fire Walk With Me may have been a “joke” version, perhaps which you made for your personal friends to enjoy over drinks. I say this because that talented, young Lara Flynn Boyle — who I so loved as little Donna Hayward — didn’t reprise her role. In her scenes, that awful girl who ruined the first season of The West Wing was there, with her bird’s nest of a hairstyle and her vain attempt at a face. You can bet this obvious prank had me rolling on the floor, but I’m curious to know how the “real” version of these scenes played. (To be fair, Moira Kelly was passable in The Cutting Edge, which I consider to be a surrealist farce much in line with the Twin Peaks canon.) Mrs. De Guzman tells me that Lara Flynn Boyle actually opted not to reprise her role in Fire Walk With Me, but I believe this about as much as I believe Mrs. De Guzman’s claims that she worked on the set of popular mid-90s TV shows and still retains various executive producing credits today. (She really is crazy, you see.) I can imagine how your “joke” printing might have made it to the general market, because the DVD package looks just like the real deal must have. Whatever artist you hired to design it for your friends certainly did a top-notch job!

In closing, I must say “congratulations” on the authenticity of your phony Twin Peaks movie that clearly was never meant to be screened by actual viewers. I really am impressed with lengths some people will go to put one over on their friends. And you even got me, and we hardly know each other! (Though I wish we could know each other better, as I grow tired of that awful, deceitful Mrs. De Guzman.) But please, can you forward this to whoever at your company can send me the real version?

Many thanks,
Hollis Birkhead

P.S. “LET’S ROCK!!!” (Ha!)

Set on an Open Course for the Virgin Sea

I like Lara Flynn Boyle.

Regardless of what anybody says about her and her pointy, skeleton-like appearance, I think she has a certain appeal on screen. She's pretty, in a defined way, and she has this icy-sexy vibe that verges almost on creepy, but in a good way. Like if Morticia Adams dressed sensibly and went on a diet and had high-paying jobs. No, that's a terrible example. Nonetheless, I've enjoyed her work as troubled teenager Donna Hayward on "Twin Peaks" and as tough-as-nails prosecutor Helen Gamble on "The Practice" and as Wayne's obsessive ex-girlfriend in "Wayne's World." She's versatile — and she used to fuck Jack Nicholson, too.

So when "Las Vegas" came on at Todd and April's and I saw that Lara was a guest star, I was interested. I have never seen an episode of the show before, and though I don't recognize a single one of the regulars, I thought it might be worth a shot. The episode itself was nicely done. A comic book convention has taken over the central hotel — the Montecito hotel and casino, a fictional resort with a slant-rhymed name I can't stop repeating — and so the entire episode is framed in a comic book motif, with paneled, word-bubbled pen and ink drawings leading to and from the live-action shots every time the show went to or returned from a commercial. A nice touch.

The episode also had a underlying theme of things slipping away. Subtle, and far better done than I would have expected, it started with a drag queen singing STYX's "Sailing Away" at a funeral — one of the episodes many subplots. Yes, I realize a drag queen covering a STYX song at a funeral is not subtle, but following that, there's these nice little touches here and there that recall that idea. And that was nice, too.

I can't say I was as impressed with Lara. First off, something horrible happened to her lips. They're bigger, no doubt the result of some cosmetic science experiment. Lara may think they look good. I think they press together in the semblance of a duck bill. We're just going to have to disagree for now, but eventually I think she'll realize that she looks like she's had an allergic reaction to her plummeting body mass index. More importantly, Lara's role sucked. She's a domineering sexpot boss — and a boring one at that. When a role like that is poorly written, it just makes the character a villain and gives people a subconscious reason to hate women that make something of themselves. (A theory of mine.)

Lara's character appeared in the very first shot of the episode, and April immediately recognized the show as a rerun. I was stunned. Sure, I can identify any episode from the first twelve seasons of "The Simpsons" within ten seconds, give or take, but I didn't expect April would have honed so squarely on "Las Vegas." I'd be surprised if anyone has, really.

But then there was the episode's final scene. In it, Lara's character calls one of the regulars up to her office on the hotel's top floor for a tongue-lashing. (The bad kind.) She's standing up there on the windy balcony, yelling and berating and wearing this oddly multicolored nightgown that has a cape. Before you can turn to the person next to you and ask why the fuck she's wearing a cape, the wind whips her and her billowy clothes off the balcony and into the distance, like Spider-Man but without any of the superpower prerequisites that prevent him from falling into the pavement at terminal velocity.

Bam! Blend into comic book-style art. "To be continued..."

Clearly, the character is dead, in a wonderful mingling of the episodes two motifs. This, of course, explains why April could immediatelyt identify the episode as a rerun. Frankly, I'm impressed. It's one of the most out-of-nowhere deaths of a major character since Rosalind Shays stepped into an open elevator shaft in a episode of "L.A. Law" and fell out of the show forever. The death may be a jab at Lara's lack-of-weight problem, but I say that's exactly the kind of wild surprise television needs in its hour-long nighttime soaps.

I can't say that I'll watch the show again, especially since my principle draw is pavement goo, but for what it's worth, "Las Vegas" gave me one more reason to like Lara Flynn Boyle.