Some Strategic Razzle-Dazzle

Say you’re watching two objects — one painted in muted colors, perhaps in a similar tone to the background it’s moving against, and the other in bold, contrasting colors that stand out against both each other and the background. Now, which object should be easier to track?

If you think like I do, the answer should be obvious. But navy technicians, at least for a period, thought differently, and around both World Wars they painted battleships to look like extravagantly dressed fat ladies in Tim Burton movies. Observe:

What the hell, right? If anything, these ships should be hard to miss, but the theory behind dazzle camouflage — yes, that’s what it’s called — states that seagoing vessels painted in this manner would confound people watching them to the point that they literally couldn’t tell the front end from the back end, much less whether either was moving away from or toward them. (You can see more full-color examples of how these ships looked here.) Now, at this point in the explanation, the theory behind dazzle confounds me, even when I suspect that practice of it wouldn’t. I mean, should not the simple test of “Is it getting bigger or smaller?” override any color-based, visual trickery? Apparently not. According to Wikipedia, ship movements were tracked using an instrument that pieces images together, and the irregular shaped formed by dazzle camouflage made it hard to tell which piece went where, kind of like how a jigsaw puzzle of a Picasso painting would be an exercise in frustration. Whatever the effectiveness, the world powers’ battleships no longer sport the look of an M.C. Escher mistress stepping out for a night on the town.

I think what’s important to take away from this little history lesson, however, is that a military tactic — one that may well have saved or cost lives, depending on whose side you’re on — went by a name that might describe a certain musical theater aesthetic: “COLORS! And lots of ‘em. I want their eyes just popping out of their heads in presence of all this glitter and zazz! and kapowie! and hey-there! and did I say COLOR?!” The funny thing is that this association isn’t without precedent. In one of my favorite posts about obscure color terminology, I discussed a similar camouflage effort: Mountbatten Pink. Invented by Louis Mountbatten of the British Royal Navy, this shad would purportedly would have let ships pass undetected during the rosier hours of sunrise and sunset. It didn’t work, though it did make these naval ships look more like vessels in the service of the militant wing of the Mary Kay empire.

Best of all, Admiral Mountbatten had a certain reputation, based on his alleged proclivities during his days as a seasoned seaman, that earned him the nickname “Mount Bottom.” I’ve included an annotated painting of Lord Mountbatten so you may further understand the implications this nickname:

Did I mention that he was known to his friends as Dickie? And no, his first name was not Richard.

In conclusion, naval warfare has a history steeped in daring color schemes and overall gaiety.

She’s on Fire

This lady, this Maggie Mae, moves like she has a nerve disorder that she’s determined will not hold her back in life.

No, wait — she moves like she is being constantly bitten by tiny spiders and she’s trying to shake off the spiders.

No, wait — she moves like your mom’s friend at her thirtieth high school reunion when she mixed a white wine spritzer with her mood-stabilizer pills and ended up on the news.

No, wait — she’s actually moving like she’s literally on fire and she just never learned the stop-drop-roll procedure.

No, wait — the way she just starts herk-a-jerking out of the crowd and toward the stage makes me think she’s actually just a crazy woman in the audience who brought her own microphone, and the real Maggie Mae is standing just off stage, asking “Who’s this bitch who stole my fucking number?”

Nice glasses, though.

(Via PCL LinkDump.)

Another Kristen, Another Life

So I tend to see people I know in people I see. It’s not a bad habit, per se, but it can be a frustrating habit when I see resemblances that no one else does. I don’t know why this is. Maybe I just see smaller details than other people don’t notice — expressions, poses, the vaguest hints at someone else. Or maybe I’m just wrong. Regardless, I do this often enough that it has become a minor character trait, and I was recently gratified to learn that I’m not entirely off base.

This is Kristen — friend, lover, business partner and competitive bobsled teammate:

Here she is, terrified and in a tree (as she frequently was for most of college):

And here is a Superman cover depicting Lois Lane that we all agreed looked eerily like our little “muffin in the rain.”

(What was in Superman’s forbidden room? We’ll never know. I’m guessing Kryptonian porn.)

Recently, Spencer stumbled across a photo of the actor Matthew Fox standing beside a woman who looked a great deal like Kristen:

I suspect that the woman is Fox’s wife, Margarhita Ronchi, And while she generally doesn’t look like Kristen, I think the resemblance in this photo is rather striking — and conducive to many, many questions about Kristen’s personal life. Really, does this mean she could be married to Matthew Fox? Lost reference?

The Community-Cougar Town Continuum of Coolness, Continued

It’s a case of “well, I guess I have to post this now.” The season finale to Cougar Town repaid the quick Community cameo of Busy Philipps and Dan Byrn with one by Danny Pudi.

The only way it could have been better would have been if Pudi had crossed through the background of a Courteney Cox scene like he described in the My Dinner With Andre episode of Community. But I’m not complaining.

Notably, having Abed show up in the background wasn’t even the best crossover in this episode. No, that honor goes to the appearance of Ted Buckland, the sad sack lawyer from Scrubs, who reveals that his love interest on Scrubs, the ukelele-plahing Gooch, has run off with Dr. Hooch. And that’s pretty great, but the only way it would have been better, intra-network-crossover-wise, would have been if he had made a joke about the actress who played Gooch, Kate Micucci, now appearing as a recurring character on Raising Hope. What can I say? I have high expectations for pop culture minutiae.

Driftwood and the Island Dog

After a needed break from writing, I’m back, and I’ve revised the blog template to a point that I think is damn near final. What do you think?

I’ve felt for a while that the traditional columns-beside-columns looked too cluttered, and I’ve recently come to enjoy the Shady Characters blog, which does a lot with fairly little, layout-wise. So this was my compromise: white background, no sidebars, a bigger font and all extra stuff pared down and then shoved to the bottom of the page, because I suspect that not that many people paid attention to it anyway. Do tell me if anything seems jarring or if the wider text space goes beyond the confines of your computer screen.

Two Strikes Against Owls

I honestly thought I wanted a baby owl until I watched this video.

 

And I’m not even talking about the one eating the rat. I’m talking about the one next him, silently gibbering, BOB from Twin Peaks-style.

Speaking of owls — which is something I’m doing a lot today, I guess — there’s also this less horrifying depiction of these birds.

I swear, I’ve seen mothers in supermarkets make this exact expression.

Bombay Pam and the Flatbread Gang

Three photos which you may find more or less appetizing, depending on what kind of person you are. First, that cool, new-fangled broccoli that has points. Can anyone tell me what this kind of broccoli is called? I really want to mention it as being superior when anyone else talks about regular broccoli.

Second, this is not spaghetti. But seriously, how could would this be if it were actually spaghetti? Like, spaghetti strands this long would take a seriously long time to make.

Finally, this painting of a woman hangs at LACMA. Do you think, as I do, that it was chosen for display because it totally looks like Kevin McDonald from Kids in the Hall in drag?

Respond or don’t!