A Question for Mr. Russell Stover

I don’t know what kind of lifestyle you’re leading, but if Whitman’s hard candies are integral to it, then you probably have made some very bad choices to the point that insulin injections also figure in prominently.

Personally, I was tempted to pencil in the word alternative in the left-bottom corner just to make sure that people would be less inclined to buy these, as punishment for the company’s baffling word choice.

Return of the Urban Milkwoman

In honor of the anniversary of the birth of the United States, I offer you the entirely appropriate gift of bizarre British comedy — specifically the sketch comedy show Smack the Pony and specifically-specifically the dating agency bits.

If you’ve never seen the show, know that it’s amazing. It stars Doon Mackichan, Fiona Allen, Sally Phillips and Sarah Alexander, each of whom I’m currently stalking from California. (Easier than you think!) The show aired on BBC between 1999 and 2003, around the time the women on SNL were really coming into their own and proving that beautiful women can, in fact, be funny. (The women on Mad TV, meanwhile, were proving that they could be passably attractive. Mo Collins excluded. She’s the shit.) Spencer gave me a heads up that some kind soul has collected what would appear to be the entirety of the series on YouTube — arranged by theme, no less! — and this is a very good thing.

Please, enjoy — and when you do, remind yourself how fortunate we Americans are to have sprung off a nation as great as Britain.

Straining the Definition of “Gift”

Do have mixed feelings about an acquaintance whose birthday is coming up? Do those feelings sometimes veer more toward the negative, now that you think about it? Do you wish you could indirectly communicate your feelings toward this person?

Well, I have the method for you.


Kristen sent me this photo — along with the message “Please, do not get me this gift” — of a set of sink strainers inexplicably marketed and marked as a “gift.” (I assume they meant “item” or “object.”) I honestly can’t think of a present that better tells its recipient “I don’t especially care for you.” I suppose in the literal sense of a gift being something that is given, the terminology is appropriate, but I can only imagine that this “gift” has been responsible for many broken friendships. Unless, of course, someone’s sink blockage problem is so bad that they must be given this by somebody else, in which case that person probably has more pressing concerns than their birthday presents.

The packaging says “Made in China.” Chinese readers, if you exist, can you tell me if this would be considered a thoughtful present in your country?

The Legend of Fourth of July Eve

Kneel bedside and recite the Pledge of Allegiance before you’re tucked into your star-spangled bed, for tonight comes Uncle Sam, skipping gingerly from rooftop to rooftop in every city and town and census-designated place in these great United States. He’s powered by American can-do as he zips from one spot to the next, a glittering trail of red, white and blue marking his path. He knows how you’ve voted. He knows what news channel you watch. And he knows who in this country lives in the real America. “Oh! Uncle Sam has come!” cry the children. “He’s given Ma and Pa each an American flag bumper sticker! To us? Bottle rockets and savings bonds and draft notices! Truly, this is the best Independence Day ever!”

But not all Americans should expect a visit from kindly Uncle Sam. Do you improperly display your American flags around your home and place of business? Do you have Bastille Day circled on your calendar? Do you live on or near a coast? Then cower in your beds as you hear the clanging copper footsteps of Lady Liberty, trudging toward your door. She is no kindly American spirit. This towering woman — this walking American Nightmare — seeks out the unpatriotic, and punishes them for their wickedness. Lady Liberty clobbers Communists with her Tablet of Freedom. She skewers the brazenly bra-less with her pointed Crown of Liberty. And those who still display pro-Nader paraphernalia? Well, just know she carries that Torch of Free Enterprise for a reason. Your desperate proclamations of love for spacious skies and purple mountains majesty will fall on deaf, metallic ears as she grants you independence… from life.


Deep down, you know which manifestation of America will visit you in the wee hours of the night. To those who meet the copper lady, may your last thoughts be of regret for signing that petition outside Whole Foods. And to the more fortunate, whom Uncle Sam visits in the night, enjoy your tomorrow, for it’s the one day on which you can blow your fingers off by drunkenly holding a lit firecracker too long and know that you did it for your country.

I Like You Because I Have To

For your consideration, an example of why the “like” feature that now plagues most online interactions is not always appropriate:


How do you tactfully attest to the quality of a news article about an orphanage burning down? How do you announce to the rest of the internet that a blog entry on a spate of murder-suicides is factually correct and well-reasoned?

My guess at a solution: Replace “like” with “like but I’m not morbid” … along with a “like but I am morbid” option for the weirdos who actually are happy that after weeks of searching rescuers have still not found any survivors.

Better Ways to Interpret Road Signs

Because let’s face it — driving is boring and could benefit from additional excitement. Make driving “fun” by putting your own spin on the rules of the road!

Swerve to the side to avoid the giant car-sized bullet racing toward you.


Road is pointless, repeating loop. You may be in a Lost Highway. Or a Mario Kart track.


Open passenger window to receive free box lunch from roadside man.


“Shit! Get me a pen and paper, quick! (Apologies for the joke in the style of your father.)


Your loved ones would appreciate a will.


“Look! I drew an arrow with two pointy parts! Isn’t that crazy?”


Slow down to leer at roadside crew, evaluating them for sexiness.


Actually, there’s no way to make this funnier than it already is.


Ditto the previous comment.


Ditto ditto.


Similarly, there is nothing funny about lane safety. Stay in your goddamn lane, crazy. However, with a small adjustment...


Much better. Why? You know why. Because Lana’s a ho.


I actually can’t make fun of this sign because I don’t know what it means. Seriously? The tracks aren’t in service? Shouldn’t I not care because trains won’t run on out-of-service tracks, because they’re curled up into roller coaster-like formations? And yet there is a sign for this condition. So I have to assume that the trains do, in fact, run on out-of-service tracks. In which case, I should be very worried, less so for myself than for the train passengers. Where the fuck am I?


Most self-negating, Magrittesque traffic sign ever.


Except, well... you know.

(All images from here.)

Piss Poor

Things you can learn from listening to DVD commentaries of Simpsons episodes: There once existed a movie theater in Los Angeles, the Pikfair. It was surrounded by Indian restaurants and was known for playing Bollywood films, at least until it burned down in the riots. Anyway, the theater got its name because it existed near the intersection of Pico and Fairfax. Because of its location, it was originally known as the Picfair, but they had to change it because some Indian people tended to pronounce the “C” softly — the “Pissfair.” Which is hilarious.

Anyway, I just thought it was cool.

In case you’re wondering, the episode was the 138th Episode Spectacular. It shows a deleted scene (from the one where Apu moves in with the Simpsons) in which Apu makes the family watch a Bollywood musical that “made every Indian critic’s top 400 list.” Homer: “It’s funny! Their clothes are different from my clothes!”