Saturday, October 11, 2014

The Time I Hit a Cat in the Butt With an Orange

I recently finished building a raised wooden planter, and the kale and other leafy greens are just beginning to sprout. To me, it represents the promise of fresh vegetables during the winter months. To the neighborhood stray cats, however, it’s simply fresh, soft dirt that’s not yet cluttered by plants. In other words, it’s a free shitter that I made just for them.

artisanal cat toilet, made from reclaimed wood
I’m trying various deterrents, but the bolder cats don’t care. And while I was in the yard yesterday afternoon, I saw one pawing at the dirt. This rotten dick of cat, who’s the color of rainclouds and who saunters around like a goddamn mafia don, I knew he was not digging for treasure. I yelled at him, but that only prompted him to raise his tail and squat while looking directly at me. Enraged by this willful act of defiance, I did the only thing I could think to do: I grabbed a mostly decomposed orange that had fallen into the yard and slung it in the cat’s general direction.

To cat-lovers, this probably makes me sound like some sort of feline-stomping monster, but I swear to you that my only goal was to hit the wall nearby and scare the intruder away. This did not happen. For one, I have terrible aim. And for another, the cat saw the citric missile coming and turned around to run away. In doing so, he aligned his little kitty asshole right into the orange’s path, and with a spectacular splatter in impacted right on target — squarely onto his asterisk.

He flipped onto his back and then just lied there, with a “what the fuck?” expression on his face in place of the usual “fuck you” one. I felt weirdly embarrassed. Later, I saw him cleaning pulp off his feline... person.

I’d just like to acknowledge that mistakes were made all around.

It’s neither here nor there, but I’d also acknowledge that I built the planter with my own two man-hands. Well, and a saw. And nails. If you have to pick between the two feats, please only credit me for making the planter.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous8:07 PM

    The cat got what it deserved. Maybe it will learn to not go there anymore, unless it likes the taste of it's own citrusy feces.

    It probably does, actually. Animals are disgusting. And cute.