Monday, January 07, 2013

Questions Raised by Christmas Tree Stands Left on Street Corners

You know you can re-use those, right?

Are you just that fucking rich, that you can treat yourself to a fresh Christmas tree stand every year?

Have you just given up on Christmas?

Have you held onto Christmas but abandoned the central tree aspect of the holiday?

Did you abandon the tree aspect for some dumb hippie reason?

Are you growing your own Christmas tree?

Have you rejected Jesus?

Have you selected Jesus at the exclusion of the pagan-derived aspects of this particular holiday?

Was one of your Christmas presents a Christmas tree stand that was just infinitely better than the standard-looking one you have now disposed of?

What, then, was the difference between your fancy Christmas tree stand and this one, which looks like the one my parents use and has yet to falter in its role as a tree stabilizer?

Where can I obtain such a superior Christmas tree stand?

Do you think that someone walking by will see this and say, “You know, I’ve never been a Christmas tree person before, but if I can have this for free, I’m making the switch”?

Did something awful happen to this Christmas tree stand that you can’t have it in the house anymore?

No, really — did something, like, really really awful happen at your Christmas? Like, specifically in the under-tree area?

Do you now celebrate Festivus?

Don’t you think the tree stand could also support the metal Festivus pole?

But seriously — you do know you can re-use those, right?

No comments:

Post a Comment