The Full Blossom of the Evening

I’m rounding up 2012 from here on out. Here’s to old acquaintances and the 25 most popular posts I wrote in the past year.

1. “Snow White and the Five Clones,” because people suspect that Zooey Deschanel is evil
2. “The Bacon of Grief,” because it freaking blew up on Tumblr
3. “Emoji That I Demand Should Exist,” because people are obsessed with the smiling poop emoji
4. “The Cat Whose Name Must Be Whispered,” because rug hugger is an inherently funny word to say
5. “That Time Agatha Christie Was a Deplorable Hack (Or — The Authoress Suck’d),” which ended up on Meta Filer, which was great until everyone decided I was an idiot who didn’t deserve to have a blog
6. “Dogs That Don’t Like Reggae (They Love It),” because the noble Komondor is a wonder to behold
7. “Grant Wood and the American Erotic,” because it had a peen in it, I’m guessing
8. “Super Mario, King of Japan,” because we children of the 80s shall hold Super Mario Bros. 3 in our hearts always
9. “The Summer’s Breakout Star? Archery,” because people are pretending like they care about bows and arrows now, I guess?
10. “The Terrific Typos of Super Mario Bros. 2,” because I maybe can be funny sometimes
11. “An Ill-Advised Trip Down a Pixelated River,” because Americans enjoy hearing that other countries are racist too
12. “Another Five Words With Surprising Etymologies,” because people are just nuts about comptrollers, I’ll guess
13. “With ‘It’ Being a Very David Lynchy Sense of Hollywood Tragedy,” because it got picked up by the  Black Book tumblog but also because there was that month or so when everyone couldn’t say enough bad things about Lana Del Rey, who is not famous anymore
14. “The Girl Likes Lozenges. Can You Blame Her?” because a pretty girl being tricked into singing about boners is hilarious
15. “With ‘It’ Being the Look of a Woman Who Knows Something,” because I am not alone in thinking that Nicki Minaj looks like a young Chaka Khan
16. “My Ragtime Gal (or — How a Cartoon Made Me Sound Like a Crazy Person),” because a few nice people tweeted out the link because the thought I was special, finally
17. “Twenty English Words the Japanese Totally Made Their Own,” because obviously
18. “Dude, Check Out My Bulging Bracket,” because March madness + boners = internet magic
19. “Sneezing Around the World, Part Two,” because sneezing lends itself to an entertaining vocabulary
20. “With ‘It’ Being an Appealingly Possum-Like Expression Conveying a History of Being Socially Downtrodden,” because the only thing like more than Downton Abbey is the prospect of it being discussed in conjunction with Arrested Development
21. “Does Nintendo Hate Eggplants?” because I suspect that people do actually hate eggplants
22. “Embiggening Your Understanding of Embiggen,” because everyone should take a few moments and reflect on the impact The Simpsons has had on the American language
23. “The First Name in Sideburns,” because you have to admit: those are some rad fucking sideburns
24. “Alternatives to Being a Hobbit,” which made the list despite only being published on December 20, because it turns out people enjoy timely things
25. “Encyclopedia Drew and the Dubious Diorama,” because the world needs to know about the hidden cat at the Los Angeles Museum of Natural History

Numbers via Google Analytics. Curiously, Blogger’s internal stats are different. Oh well.