Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Eight Deadly Etsycraft Legs

Tumblr has already taught the world about the pain of Etsy boyfriends and Etsy dogs, but I have a submission ready if someone ever decides to launch a collection of Etsy models who completely misread the tone of the photo shoot and ended up pouting her way into Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife territory.

See, here’s what I think happened. This is Kristi, and she’s trying to get into modeling, having finally grown into her mouth, and she lives with Ingrid, who wants to be a designer. And Ingrid made this octopus hat wraparound tentacles that can be worn in eight different ways. Octo-hat would be the perfect accessory for maybe precocious kids or free-spirited, nerdy, hipster chicks who don’t care if they look mentally challenged. And so Ingrid asked Kirsti if she’d model for her Etsy page, and Kristi couldn’t say no (even though she was glad nobody important looked at Etsy) but when it came time for the actual photographs, Ingrid hesitated.

— “Maybe look like you’re having fun? Or like your happy? Or maybe make a funny face?” Ingrid asked.
— “Or I can help you actually sell these,” said Kristi.
— “I think you look too sexy. I want people to notice the ping pong ball eyes first.”
— “If you didn’t want it to skew sexy, why does the octopus’s mouth ruffle look like labia?”
— “Kristi, that’s super rude.”
— “Well, Ingrid, maybe you shouldn’t tell me how to do my job. I think that’s super rude.”
— “Maybe you don’t get my market, but I’m not trying to sell this to do you dumb slut friends. Can you please do something to reduce the crazy amount of slut that’s happening in your mouth?”
— “Gosh, Ingrid, maybe I’ll just pull this stupid octopus labia over my mouth. Or would that just turn you on?”
— “SHUT THE FUCK UP, KRISTI. Why don’t you just do whatever whorey thing you feel like and I’ll just put this up on Etsy and sell it to other whores?”
— “Fine.” [Kristi pouts sensually. A tear rolls down Ingrid’s cheek as she finally takes the photo.]

And that’s what I think happened.


  1. Anonymous8:29 PM


  2. I love this post. You bring joy to my heart, Drew Mackie.

  3. Anonymous3:39 AM

    Everything seems to be in order here