Monday, September 26, 2011

My Review of Drive (Having Not Seen Drive)

Hi. Thanks for reading this post, despite my note in the post title stating that I have no reason to weigh in on this film in any way. However, Spencer has informed me of one plot point from Drive that bothered him enough that he wanted to share it with me. even though I have not seen it yet. And that plot point is this: In the movie, despite the fact that Christina Hendricks plays a supporting role, Carey Mulligan plays a woman who has a child with Latino gangster.

This I cannot accept.

Like, in a fictional universe where both Christina Hendricks and Carey Mulligan play characters — even tangentially related ones — the Latino gangster would never procreate with Mulligan. He’d totally hit the curvy hotness that is Hendricks. There’s just no situation in which he’d say, “Nah, I ‘d rather go for that slim-hipped chick with the pixie cut.” If for some reason Hendricks didn’t occupy a social circle that directly intersected with his, he’d find out about her — being a crime boss, he has ears all over town, of course. Even if Carey Mulligan were banging at his door, begging for it, he’d still go for Christina Hendricks over her. It’s just a matter of fact.

Now, I should probably point out now that I’ve never seen a Carey Mulligan movie — not An Education, not Never Let Me Go, not the Wall Street sequel. My entire awareness of her public persona is drawn from interviews (print and video) and photos of her walking across various red carpets with wildly hit-or-miss gowns draped on her boyish figure. And that’s not saying that she’s overall dressed worse than Hendricks, who herself can’t seem to dress in a consistently flattering manner. But that doesn’t prevent me from imagining Mulligan as some winchy, squinchy little Judi Dench-esque imp dressed in a way that pleases a fairly limited audience, especially compared with Hendricks, who at least knows that showcasing her breasts will win the attention of certain audiences (straight men, some lesbians and gay men supporting her right to own the thing she has going on anatomically).

Let’s compare, shall we?

So then could there ever be a situation in which Hendricks — who already over-vavooms Elisabeth Moss on Mad Men — could seem less appealing to the stereotypical male than Carey “Elisabeth Moss with a Bad Haircut” Mulligan? Even slapped hard with the most drastic hoodrat drag, I cannot see it. I thought long and hard about this matter. Maybe, I thought, if Hendricks played a character who aggressively farted, but then I realized that, no, that wouldn’t do it. Maybe if Hendricks’s character had somehow obtained some of those discontinued, olestra-enriched potato chips that make flatulence “productive” — visibly so? Still no. Even a stained pair of sweats stretched around her rounder-than-Hollywood-normal ass couldn’t do it. Maybe, just maybe, if she did her best impression of Gail the Snail while playing a character runs around cutting off guys’ dicks and yelling “I’m you mom! Your mom is doing this! FAAAART!” Then, and only then, would Hendricks seem like the lesser of the two when the two are her and Mulligan. But even then, it’s only slightly a closer race than it would be between, say, Hendricks and Dinah Manoff or Hendricks and Tyne Daly or Hendricks and some horrible hybrid of Rhoda Morgenstern’s mother and the Frankenstein monster.

My non-review, then: Either Hendricks and Mulligan should have swapped roles, or the Mulligan role should have gone to Michelle Williams, who for years has been doing Mulligan’s whole thing with a hell of a lot more sex appeal.

And yes, I will follow this post up when I finally see Drive.

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