Finding Cookie Kwan

As many of you may already now, a Simpsons parody porn has been made, thanks to the good people at Full Spread Entertainment. Don’t be shocked that it happened. Be shocked that it didn’t happen in 1995, when people actually talked about The Simpsons, or at least in 2007, when The Simpsons Movie bought the show back into the spotlight. Besides, anyone who’s tried to find images from the show online has doubtlessly stumbled across the scads of Simpsons erotica that lurk online. (Bart, that is not an appropriate thing to do to your teacher. And Apu’s wife. Why was Milhouse there?) News of this high-budget porn parody hit the internet about a month ago, and nut though I am, I let my work schedule prevent me from saying anything about it here. Not a big loss, since every other pop culture website jumped at the chance to marvel at Marge, Homer, Flanders, McBain and even a Moe played by real-life whores who were slathered in yellow body paint. The film’s tagline? “You’ve never seen sex this yellow.”

hey there, sexy moe the bartender! you make me feel weird!

In case you try to avoid porn news, here’s the trailer. Don’t worry: It’s safe for work inasmuch as it doesn’t feature any sex. But if your colleagues catch you watching it, you may still have to admit that it’s the trailer for a light-hearted pornographic take on the beloved cartoon, at which point everyone else in the office will decide not to bring their kids around anymore.

If you like, you can learn more about the film at SimpsonsPorno.org. Yes — it’s a dot org. Weird, right?

While I wasn’t writing about the porn, another bit of Simpsons weirdness hit the internet, and that’s that the various clips of the McBain movies shown over the years kinda-sorta form their own mini-movie. Again, McBain: The Movie is everywhere already, but now it’s here, too. Enjoy.

And that’s a lot more Simpsons-gone-viral than we usually get in a month, so I feel that I, being someone who knows a lot about the show, should say something. So I will offer this: Why the hell is Cookie Kwan in the Simpsons porn? I find this baffling for a number of reasons, the least of which being that Cookie is a relatively new recurring character, as far as the population of Springfield goes. She first appeared in the ninth season, in the 1997 episode “Realty Bites,” in which Marge becomes a terrible realtor. Among Marge’s temporary coworkers are Cookie “Number One on the West Side” Kwan and sad sack Gil Gunderson, both of whom went on to become regulars. But even though Cookie has been on the show for about fourteen years now, there are tons of female Springfieldians who are better known and seemingly randier than she is — among them, Mrs. Krabappel (who is kind of a slut, let’s be honest), Princess Khashmir (who’s a stripper), Lindsay Naegle (who is amoral and a lush), Helen Lovejoy (who seems like she’s the type, you know), and Luann Van Houten (who had a wild phase after her divorce). To me, Cookie getting pornified would be like making a Seinfeld porn — and, at this point, why not? — and putting Sally Weaver in it.

Even more so than Cookie being obscure, I’m boggled as to how one casts Cookie in a porn parody of The Simpsons. Seriously — everyone knows what Marge Simpson sounds like, and I would bet that it wouldn’t take too long to locate some poor woman who’d be willing to make sex grunts in a gravelly voice. But how do you cast Cookie Kwan? Do you just put out a casting call for Asian porn actresses and wait until you find one who already talks like Cookie? Do you bring in porn actresses of Asian descent, ask them how far they’re willing to go onscreen and then ask them how familiar they are with tertiary Simpsons characters? Do you put out a casting call for “Porny version of Cookie Kwan (only non-Indian Asian lady on The Simpsons)”? Or do you simply quote actual actresses, have them lay their best Cookie Kwan on you and then ask them if they might feel like doing the voice while not wearing any clothes? I’m genuinely curious. In fact, if I’m still thinking about this tomorrow, I may send an email to Full Spread to see if I can get an answer.

Cookie Kwan appearing the Simpsons porn is not weirder than, say, Lurleen Lumpkin being featured or one of the one-off ladies. (Though, now that I think about it, who is the tramp standing next to McBain? Were there no suitable real-life version of Dolores Montenegro?) And for all I know, the full-length film might contain scenes with Helen and Edna and Luann performing sexual acts too graphic to merit inclusion in the trailer. But nonetheless, Cookie is in it and to me that’s the bizarro cherry topping off a whole slimy, undulating mess of weirdness. Cookie, I’ll never look at you the same way again.

BTW: Eagerly awaiting future porn parodies from Full Spread Entertainment: The Flintbones, Cocky and Pullwinkle and Josie and the Pussycats (But It’s the Other Kind of Pussy).