Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Confusion Among a Fleet of Taxi Cabs

My June, as represented by certain 140-character-or-less snippets.
Just drove past a bondage gear shop called Stormy Leather.

Of course, when I said "clean off the tea set" earlier I actually meant "prepare the slopstacle course."

The recipe called for CRANBERRY BEANS, which apparently exist. Am I the only one who's never heard of these?

A major benefit of Twitter over Facebook: No one here invites me to like worthless garbage that I've never heard of and don't care about.

Cougar awkwardly smalltalks abt Lady Gaga to clearly gay guy working register at grocery. He pretends he's never heard of Gaga. Well played.

A peculiarly high number of Golden Girls episodes revolve around someone visiting from out of town. Did they even have a guest room?

Saw the Charlie St. Cloud trailer and thought it has to be a parody. Nope. Real. Barf myself to death.

Happy Flag Day! Feel the magic! — flag. verb. "to weaken or become feeble."

Dear Rockwell: Maybe you'd feel less paranoid if you removed the stuffed animals from your crazy person house.

Word of caution: The Trader Joe's Turkish apricots taste like a prune had a baby with black licorice. Avoid at all costs.

Party-sized bucket of flan

Got screened for skin cancer. Doctor showed me the Big Picture Book of Melanoma Nightmares and now I will never go out again in daylight.

Today I learned how many W's are in "JWoww." And, consequently, my bran probably forgot something else important.

A fun game: Do I have the flu or is it food poisoning with residual soreness from that tiny bit of exercise I did?

Am super excited about Angelina Jolie's upcoming documentary on the history of salt. Thank god she's stopped making shitty action movies.

Synopses for two different DVRed Golden Girls: "Dorothy has chronic fatigue syndrome" and "Chronically tired Dorothy seeks help." Huh.

"I resent the implication that Three's Company was all about Chrissy's boobs, as it occasionally focused on Janet being plain and sad."

Are you kidding? The last names of the Cruise and Diaz characters in "Knight & Day" aren't even Knight and Day.

"The world that can't be mentioned in polite company." Amazing.

Rielle Hunter was born Lisa Jo Druck. This I find amusing and indicative.

A bird is riding the pool cleaner and it actually looks kind of fun.

In demonstrating how to properly trim the lawn edges, my dad decapitated a driveway light. Advantage: me.

Trying to differentiate all the Twilight actors is like trying to learn all the Pokemon: If you're over a certain age, you just can't do it.

Grampa Simpson, commenting on a port-a-potty: "This elevator only goes to the basement. And somebody made an AWFUL mess down there."

I dropped my phone on cement, but don't worry --- the puddle it fell into cushioned the impact.

"A champagne brunch with Anne Rice, Shohreh Aghdashloo... and Tweet."
Feel like you would have liked to read these earlier? In a different setting? You could have. If only you were following me on Twitter.

1 comment:

  1. "Stormy Leather" reminds me of the Laundry Stop laundromat not far from my neighborhood. It has a neon sign in its window that reads "Dirty Duds Done Dirt Cheap". That and the great reviews I've seen online almost make me wish I needed to go there.