Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Drew Goes to the Post Office (A Short Play Based on Real-Life Events)

Woman at counter: Next?

(Drew, envelope in hand, steps up to the counter after having stood in line for about twenty minutes.)

Drew: Hi. Something weird happened. I moved recently and sent in my change of address notice. And I’m getting my mail fine, but I’m also getting mail for some lady named Vanessa who lives in New Jersey.

Woman: Does she live with you?

Drew: No, I live here in Santa Barbara. She lives in New Jersey.

Woman: And you don’t know her?

Drew: Right. No clue who this lady is.

Woman: Where did you move from? Did you just move here from New Jersey?

Drew: No, just from one side of town to the other.

Woman: Do you think this woman might have lived at the address you moved into?

Drew: I… don’t think so. Because she lives in New Jersey. (Points to address on the envelope.) See? The original address on this says it was supposed to go to New Jersey.

Woman: Do you think it’s possible that whoever sent this just got her address wrong?

Drew: I guess that could be, but that would be really weird because she lives in New Jersey. Also, her address is literally nothing like mine. Like, no part of it. Also, the address on the envelope is correct. It’s you guys at the post office who put a sticker on this saying that should be redirected to where I live.

Woman: Oh, well that wouldn’t have been us. It would have been at a different processing center.

Drew: Well, whoever did that is sending me Vanessa’s mail. It’s happened twice now. I would have brought the other envelope but I can’t find it.

Woman: You know, you could just peel off the sticker that directed this towards your house and put it back in the mail. It should get to New Jersey fine.

Drew: I can do that for the other envelope, when I find it, but I don’t want this to keep happening. Like, why should this lady’s mail have to go to California every time it needs to get to New Jersey? (Drew picks holds the envelope up.) Also, this looks like a phone bill. I mean, Vanessa probably wants to pay it. And the one I have at home looks like a personal letter. I could have just thrown this mail away, but I didn’t want to do that because I feel bad for Vanessa and I thought it was the right thing to do to bring this to your guys’ attention.

Woman: Oh, you shouldn’t throw away the mail.

Drew: And I won’t. But I’d rather this got fixed.

Woman: You know, I’m not sure what to do. Sometimes mail gets stuck together. I can ask my manager.

(The woman toddles off to speak with another woman. After a few moments, both come to the counter. The boss woman has a slip of paper in hand.)

Boss woman: So you’re moving and you need a change of address form?

(Drew, now dejected, exits.)

. . . . . . . . .

I left the phone bill at the counter. I hope this will sort itself out and that Vanessa in New Jersey will one day get her mail. Meanwhile, it seems like it might have been easier just to find Vanessa and ask her to come live with me in Santa Barbara.


  1. The most efficient aspect of the US government. Pray to God we never have a single payer program.