Friday, September 11, 2009

Unmentionables Mentioned: “Little Eyepatch Underwear”

By far, I think the grossest thing about Mike Duvall’s smutty little bragging session is his use of the term little eyepatch underwear. I assume you agree. Good — let’s continue. First off, that’s disgusting. The notion of eyepatch-looking unmentionables makes me imagine some garment that’s actually used as both — eyepatch and underwear, alternately, depending on your mood or the weather — in reckless disregard for the hygiene required for either area. (Though, admittedly, I could see American Apparel now trying to market this very product. Damn my ignorance of copyright procedure!) But even more so, I find Duvall’s use of the term unpleasant because it emphasizes how goddamn old he is — older than Miss Eyepatch Underwear herself and older than people who would know that the thing she was wearing is a thong. He’s just doing what all people do when they’re old, uninformed or old and uninformed — referring to new inventions in terms of stuff they already know. It’s like saying recording when you actually mean downloading or TV calculator when you mean computer or Devil’s stairs when you mean escalator. And that makes him seem like a bumbly-fumbly old grandpa. And that makes the whole situation even more disgusting,

A final note: I find it academically interesting that someone who does not wear an eyepatch would apparently be more familiar with eyepatches than thongs.


  1. spence10:00 AM

    Perhaps he intended some sort of Joycean mode of commentary, informed by Chaucer's description of the "nether ye" (that is, eye)?

    Since I hate Chaucer and Joyce, Duvall can have 'em. HEAR THAT DUVALL YOU CAN HAVE EM.

  2. In a world of eyepatches - the two eyed man is king